


Stone's Throw Away from Home

by arsenicarose



Category: Kylo Ren-Fandom, Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), star wars episode VII: The Last Jedi (2017)
Genre: (Only for some parts), But only in the last chapters, Check the Summaries for Tags, Each Chapter has Chapter Specific Tags, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Fantasy/Sci Fi Battles, Fights, Healing, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Injury, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren's Mind Reading Power, Manipulation, Manipulative Hurt/Comfort, Mind Reading, Not HEA!!!, POV Kylo Ren, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Some The Last Jedi, The Force, Then Becomes Concurrent, hurt comfort, unhealthy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-03-21 20:03:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 51,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13748259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arsenicarose/pseuds/arsenicarose
Summary: After one desperate decision, Elia finds herself on theFinalizer. She doesn't know where she is, and she doesn't even speak the language of the base.When Kylo Ren discovers her wings (and the abilities that come with them), he decides to make her his secret weapon.(A/N: Check the beginning of each chapter for tags/triggers. If you want something tagged, please let me know in the comments. You can comment anonymously.)





	1. A Cold and Shaky Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elia wakes up in a strange new world.
> 
> Tags: Force, Mind-reading, Feeling Trapped

Elia Stone woke up on cold metal. She felt heavy, and she couldn’t understand why. This brought back a lot of terrible memories, but she pushed them aside. Her eyes opened, and for a moment, she couldn’t understand. Everything was grey, the walls, ceiling, and floors. Occasionally, a console of some kind would break the monotony with bright lights and colorful buttons.

This was not the laboratory.

She stood on shaky legs, bracing herself against the icy paneling of the wall. It was freezing here. Why was it so cold? She was wearing a t-shirt and jeans, but she didn’t usually get cold since she had been touched by Death.

There was no one else around, but she could hear life on the ship: footfalls above, murmurs from ahead, and noise that sounded like some kind of sci fi gun (like in the shows her husband had watched). She walked away from the noise, taking careful steps.

A small group of people passed her, all in black uniforms. They were chattering about something, but she couldn’t understand them. As they passed her, they eyed her suspiciously, pausing their conversation and trying to understand what she was doing.

She looked down at her outfit, and realized she was very out of place. Not only was she wearing casual clothes, her dark hair was loose as well, cascading down her waist in waves. The uniformed women had tight buns, keeping their hair out of the way. She waved at them sheepishly, and kept moving.

The hall meandered in a direction she couldn’t predict. Closed doors dotted the passage, with more consoles, of varying size and complexity, providing an accent. The whole structure, whatever it was, was cold, and more lifeless than anything she had ever been on. She could feel how barren it was. There were people here, but the air was fake. It didn’t taste like it should.

After sometime, the hall led to a great door, which led into a huge bay. Her mouth dropped open. It was a hangar, filled with colossal ships. Most of the ships looked like letter H’s with a fat middles, but there were a couple of sleeker ones that looked like crabs with immovable pincers. Just beyond this expanse of technology was what appeared to be an airlock.

She was in space? She was in space! Her legs faltered and she backed into a wall, hoping to brace herself. How had she gotten here? Was the experiment a success or failure? She had thought the goal was going back in time, but this equipment was far superior to what they had back home. They hadn’t still hadn’t gotten long-distance space flight down when she left in 2073. This was unimaginable.

A being in a full-body, white armor interrupted her bewildered scanning of the room, and started angrily saying something she couldn’t understand.

“I’m sorry? I don’t speak… that,” she said, cutting him off.

The person paused, eyeing her carefully, before continuing their rant, occasionally gesturing at her body, hair, and face.

She didn’t know how to reply. It was clear he didn’t understand her either. She wasn’t even sure a nod meant the same thing, so she just stared.

After several long minutes, he gave up, sighing exasperatedly. (At least that she understood.) He said one final thing and pointed toward the hallway she had just left.

There was no way she was going to follow some stranger soldier down a hallway, away from witnesses. She said, “No,” but remembered he couldn’t understand her, so she shook her head, hoping that also meant no.

He was getting angry, gesturing to the hall and shouting. She just sank further into the wall, feeling more self-conscious by the second. Everyone she could see was looking at her. As she scanned the room, it sank in: it was clearly some kind of military base, and she was a foreign (alien?) civilian. That did not bode well for her. Was this how she was going to die?

Finally, the maybe-soldier gave up trying to talk to her. He looked around the room, like he was hoping someone understood her, but finally contacted someone else. She could hear the someone else’s clipped, irritated replies. She was a waste of their time, clearly.

The armored man in front of her held out his weapon, pointing it right at her chest. She didn’t know what the weapon was or what it did, but it looked like a gun. Fear streaked through her, like she hadn’t felt in years. She felt it starting, pressing against her shoulder blades, but she stopped it. There was no way she could do that here. It would only make things worse.

After several silent and awkward minutes, someone in full black robes appeared across the room, storming and fuming. Their body posture screamed impatience, but their face was hidden by a black mask. (What was with all the masks?)

She shrank further into the wall at the hooded being’s approach, and waited while they talked to the soldier in front of her.

They chatted for a bit, and it became clear that this man was the soldier’s superior. His voice was modulated, a deep baritone, and he had power over this white armored man in front of him, maybe over the entire room. Why had he been called? Why had this required someone so high up?

The man turned to her, and said something in their language.

“I’m sorry, I really don’t understand what you are saying… I would love to know what’s happening, but I’m sure you can’t answer that…”

He cocked his head to the side, listening for a moment. Could he understand? He turned to the soldier and said a few words. They sounded positive, and the soldier left. He had been relieved of this duty, apparently.

A gloved hand hovered in front of her eyes, and she could feel a power crawling through her. It was a completely new sensation, one she was not prepared for. She tried to fight it, but she had no idea where to start. It was searching through her brain, but her brain was gibberish. She realized that he couldn’t understand.

Finally, he grew exasperated, and reached deeper, skipping the memories and going straight for other functions. Her entire knowledge of English flashed before her eyes, overwhelming her. She found herself mouthing nonsense uncontrollably, as he pulled her very language from her brain.

“That’s better,” he said, in perfect, unaccented English.

“What? How…? How did you do that?”

“That’s unimportant. What is important is how did a girl, one who doesn’t speak Basic, or any known language for that matter, appear on my ship?”

“I honestly don’t know, uh, sir. I was doing an experiment back on my planet, Earth, and I woke up that hallway over there.” She gestured to the passage.

“Earth?” he scoffed, “You are a terrible liar. I know there is no planet called “Earth” in the galaxy.”

“I’m not lying!”

“It’s no matter. I can get the information I need from you.” His hand reached out again, and suddenly, her body was completely frozen. She fought against the invisible binds, but it was useless. He started dragging her away from the hangar.

“No!” she shouted, panic tearing apart her shoulders.

“Interesting…” he murmured, sounding genuinely intrigued. He held out his glove one last time, and she passed out before her wings were able to save her.


	2. No One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo tries to find out who she is.
> 
> Tags: exposition dump (but it gets better from here!), Bindings, Trapped, Torture, Mental Torture, Mind-reading, character death (in memory), graphic depictions of violence, blood, blast bolt, getting shot,

Consciousness slammed into her like a fist. This was not the peaceful waking from slumber she was used to. This was having your waking mind ripped away and replaced. She jolted forward, only to be yanked back by restraints. She opened her eyes cautiously to find her shackles visible. That made her feel better, for some reason.

She was tightly bound to the contraption behind her, too tight to release her wings without hurting herself. Her wrists and ankles were secured, and there was a strap around her waist. She cursed her slowness. How had he known so fast? He had turned around and commented on… something, before she passed out. Could he read minds?

“Yes,” a gravelly, electronic voice said.

She jumped, only to be yanked back down. “Fuck!” she hissed. There was no way she was getting out of this thing unbruised.

“What a mouth you have! Though, I honestly don’t quite get the meaning of that word. Your understanding of your language is confusing and inconsistent.”

“That’s English for you.” She wasn’t interested in discussing linguistics with this strange, hidden man. Any other day of the week, she would talk for hours about it, but this wasn’t the ideal situation.

“I’m surprised you weren’t taught Basic on “Earth,” or wherever you really come from.”

“Basic? What’s that?” she asked.

“Basic is the standardized language of the Empire, the Order, of everything. Most humans know it, even if it is their second language, and you look to be human.” He answered slowly, like she was a stupid child.

“The Empire? The Order? Jesus, where am I?” She closed her eyes and tried to think. Somehow, she had ended up in space, but there were still humans? What the fuck was going on?

“You really don’t know any of this, do you?” His voice was doubtful.

“I really wasn’t lying. Besides, since you can ‘read minds,’ apparently, so how do you still think I am lying?”

He turned away. “Your mind is structured differently than any I’ve encountered.”

She laughed. “Maybe because I’m not from here?”

“Now that you are awake, however, it should be easier.”

Suddenly, he was right next to her, his hand hovering inches away from her face. An involuntary shiver ran down her spine. “What are you doing?” she gasped. She could feel him rifling through her mind again, and it was such an unsettling feeling. What was he doing to her to read her thoughts?

He didn’t answer immediately. “Ah, yes, this makes more sense now. Hmm… You’re place of birth is surprisingly primitive, but green. It doesn’t look familiar… This is all… strange.” He closed his eyes, focusing intently.

She felt the surge of power as it washed through her. Memories flashed through her eyes as he watched them, her whole life laid bare.

“You felt abandoned by your parents. I understand that. They were always visible but just out of reach. You ran away too? That didn’t go so well for you… I’m assuming that “drugs” are like stims? That’s the only comparison I can think of.”

He stopped talking for a moment as her memories got darker, but she was forced to live them. The tragedies that plagued her youth. Being captured by the King. Her wild plea for freedom, and Death’s answer. Her wings, dark and terrifying, breaking free for the first time. The unbearable, backbreaking pain of them tearing out of her body. Killing the men who captured her.

The snapshots of memory paused, and she could focus on his mask again. He seemed stunned by this series of events, though she couldn’t truly tell. She didn’t really have any interest in asking him why he had stopped. She had no desire to relive the darkest time of her life. Her capture by the man who called himself the King had led to an irreversible path, filled with horror and happiness. The first stretch of the path was just horror. The happiness had come later.

“You have suffered in your life,” he said, finally.

“That was years ago…” she murmured, trying to minimize the effect this was having. She didn’t have the memory ability that her husband once had, but she remembered most of the worst parts.

After another few silent minutes, the memories began to show again. Slowly at first, then at browsing speed, like an old movie projector starting up. Meeting her future husband for the first time. Saving his life. Falling in love. Getting married. Saving other people who had been given “gifts” by Death. Living together. Him growing older...

_ “I don’t know why!” she shouted, unable to look at herself. _

_ “It has to be because of Death.” Spencer replied. He was nearing 63, and it showed. _

_ They had been putting this conversation off for years, just pretending that she was slow to age, but they couldn’t pretend anymore. She looked 25, like she had been when Death had changed her. She was actually 60. _

_ “Are you saying I can’t die?” she asked, voice breaking. _

_ “I just think you just aren’t aging.” _

_ “What do we do? I don’t want to lose you and be stuck alone! I love you so much.” She was crying now. _

_ He wrapped his arms around her. They felt different than they used to, softer and less steady. It made her heart break. She loved him, no matter how old he was, but he was aging. He would die. He would leave her behind. _

She gasped, arching her back against the strap on her stomach. Why did he need to know this? Couldn’t he leave Spencer out of this? It seemed like he was just flipping through her life like an interesting book. There was no way he thought she was from this galaxy by now, right?

“You don’t age?” the man asked.

She realized she didn’t know his name. He knew every terrible thing about her, but she knew nothing about him. “I guess not... I’m 90 years old now. I don’t know how you count time, but humans, at least where I’m from, usually live from 70-100 years and they age.”

“It is similar here. We have ‘years.’ From what I gather from your memories, our years are a similar length in time. And my name is Kylo Ren.”

She almost said nice to meet you, but then she realized how inaccurate that was, so she just kept quiet.

“I keep hearing ‘touched by Death.’ That doesn’t mean anything to me.”

“I almost died during the capture by the King. I prayed to anything that might listen, saying I would do anything to be free. Death granted my wish, for a price. ‘Touched by Death’ was a phrase I used to explain the phenomenon. It happened sometimes where I am from. Not often, but enough to need a name and a support network.”

“I see.” He resumed his scouring of her brain.

It made her feel naked and exposed. Hell, he had probably seen her naked in her memories somewhere. No one had ever know this much about her, not even Spencer.

She was forced to watch the love of her life age all over again. Him on his deathbed, at the ripe old age of 91. (She was sure he lived that long by sheer force of will, unwilling to leave her behind.) Her by his side as he finally passed. His funeral. Her grief and loneliness.

She felt all alone again and tears ran down her cheeks unbidden.

_ It was a bright day. The sun shone brilliantly, oblivious to her dark mood. She had nothing left. Sure, Spencer had left her everything, but he had _ left _. She found herself flying for longer and longer, stretching her wings to their limit. Sometimes, she wouldn’t make it home, and would be forced to pass out in a field or on a roof. _

_ Time passed both slowly and too quickly. Finally, after a year or so, she saw the advert. _

TEST SUBJECTS NEEDED

My partner and I are trying to master time travel. 

We need reliable people to test the machine.

Must not be afraid of never coming back to present.

CAUTION: THIS EXPERIMENT COULD BE DANGEROUS.

_ She knew her purpose now. She could either be one of the first people to travel back in time, or she would finally get to die. (Spencer had made her promise she wouldn’t kill herself, but this didn’t count, right?) _

The rest of her memories were just the experiment and waking up on the base.

“It looks like you weren’t lying,” he muttered, clearly not happy about being wrong.

“I tried to tell you,” she said. She hated how weak she felt. Her face was tear stained, and she felt raw.

He wasn’t done with her, however. He started scanning again, pulling out choice memories. He seemed deeply interested in her wings, reviewing all the memories that were directly related to them.

She was happy they had moved away from her loss, but the wings were difficult to relive too. She had been so terrified when she first got them, so alone. She had been sure she was going to be experimented on, tortured, and/or killed. Her husband had saved her from that, and she could never thank him enough. He was the best thing that had ever happened to her.

She had let her mind wander as he flipped through her memories, too tired to even pretend to fight. He was carefully researching the abilities of her demonic appendages, gathering all the knowledge from her that she had found. She wondered why he cared.

Finally, he pulled away, and relief washed through her. She wanted to sleep or scream or fly, but she was still trapped.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” he commented, “You could be very useful to me.”

She didn’t like the sound of that and shrank into the interrogation chair.

“If you are not useful to me, well, there is no sense keeping you on board.”

Her heart thumped frantically in her throat. “How can I be u-useful?”

He pressed a button behind her, and her restraints released with a hiss. Her first instinct was to run (to where she didn’t know), but she found herself still unable to move. Those invisible restraints were back. She groaned helplessly, knowing it was useless to fight against them.

He dragged her out of the room and down the hall. It was impossible to escape, but she didn’t have to make it easy for him. Whatever power he was using to trap and move her had to cost him something, right? Maybe she could exhaust him.

He laughed and yanked her forward.

They stopped once he had led her inside a cave like room. It wasn’t as huge as the hangar bay, but it was still big, with various mannequins and padding on the floors. It reminded her of those boxing movies from the 80’s, even though the room and equipment was completely different. The set up was sort of similar, and she had to cling to whatever familiarity she could.

“Now,” he said, turning to face her, “let me see them.”

She didn’t reply, unwilling to play this game with him. Besides, she didn’t want to be incapacitated in front of this strange man for any length of time. Well, more than she already had been.

“From what I can tell, fear seems to help.” He pulled a small metal tube from his robes, and pushed a button. A huge, glowing, red sword exploded out of it. It hissed and crackled menacingly, and she could feel the heat from where she was standing.

She felt the blood drain from her face. Fuck. Her back began to itch and stretch. Her wings wanted to protect her, but how useful could they be against that thing?

She was trapped, immobile, so the transformation was more painful than usual. She had found if she relaxed into it, they emerged easier, but this time, her body was rigid. Her back exploded, and blood poured from her. She screamed, and it echoed through the room, causing him to almost drop his laser sword. The giant wings tore themselves free from beneath her shoulder blades, shredding the back of her t-shirt and expanding into the space behind her. They were huge, twenty-four feet from tip to tip, and menacing. Black scales glittered in the artificial light, and the retractable claws glowed lightly. Her back healed itself in moments, blood reabsorbing into her skin.

The whole process took no more than five minutes, but it felt like ages. Her back remained itchy and tingly for longer than usual as it frantically tried to heal. She spread them wide, happy to have them free. She hadn’t wanted to give them to him, but they loved being able to stretch. She flexed them, testing all the joints as she always did. The dump of healing chemicals helped calm her too, and the panic and exhaustion that had threatened to break her was much more manageable.

His mask was impenetrable as always, and she could not begin to guess what he was thinking. It was infuriating that he could see everything, inside and out, and she couldn’t even see his damn face.

“And you can fly?” he asked, though he had to know the answer.

With two beats of her wings, she was in the air. The cavernous room didn’t have as high a ceiling as the hangar bay, but it was high enough to get out of his reach. She flew up and touched it, happy to be free. She pretended that he wasn’t there and started soaring around the room, assuming that he wouldn’t be able to catch her if she was fast enough. She couldn’t escape this ship, she knew that, but she could be free in this moment.

A sound hit her ears just as pain exploded across her right wing. She couldn’t understand either sensory input. Her wings faltered for a moment, shocked by the injury, and she spun out. Just before she hit the far wall, she managed to catch herself. Her landing was less graceful than she would have liked, and her wing started throbbing. She pulled her wing forward, and looked at the source of radiating pain.

There was a fist-sized burn punched into the wing. The hole was dark red, angry looking, and the scales had melted away. She ran her finger along it, and hissed as she brushed the wound. It was sensitive. It hadn’t broken through the skin, however. The other side of the wing remained undamaged.

“Impressive,” Kylo said.

She jumped in the air, wings pulling her up even higher than that through the pain. “What the fuck was that?”

He held out a weapon similar to the one the soldier had pointed at her. “I shot you. It was difficult to aim at you, and you didn’t crash or die. I think you could be a wonderful addition to our side and on the battlefield.”

“You  _ shot _ me?!” she growled, refusing to come down again (even though it hurt like hell), “Why the fuck would I help your side on ‘the battlefield’ after you  _ shot  _ me?!”

He pulled her back down to the floor. Her wings fought against the invisible force he was using, but they were weaker, especially since one was injured.

“Because you are no one,” he stated, “You are a foreign woman from a faraway place. You cannot go back to where you came from, and no one here cares what happens to you.”

She sank to her knees as the full weight of it all hit her. He was right. She had no idea where she was or how she got there. She was trapped, and if he was a leader of some kind, no one on the station would care what he did to her.

“But I think you can help me. I think you can scare my enemies, and be my right-hand woman. I can give you a place in this foreign world that you have found yourself in. I can help you harness your abilities, make you stronger.” He walked over to her slowly, like she would run.

She realized she could move, but where would she go? This entire ship was probably his, and even if it wasn’t, he was the only person who could understand her language.

When he got to her side, he stabbed her shoulder with something. She hissed and tried to slip away, but a strange sensation occurred. The wound on her wing became more painful for a moment, then healed instantly. She did a few test flexes of it, and found it to be completely mended. She looked up at him in awe.

“Come with me,” he said, holding out his gloved hand.

It wasn’t a command, but it might as well have been. She thought about it for a moment, before she realized it was either this or death of one kind or another. Fearful and frustrated, she took his hand.


	3. Fitting In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo finds a place for her in the order.
> 
> Tags: Inability to communicate, pain, mental anguish. The Force, The Force (probably) doesn't work like that, taste of lore, violence, blood, general anxiety

He helped her stand, before dropping her hand and turning away. “This way.”

She followed helplessly. She couldn’t even retract her wings, her body was electric with fear. There was no way they would go back in now. Her husband had been the first person to help her retract them, by making her feel safe, and later, loved. As time went on, she had gotten better control over them, but this was a whole new level of fear. She didn’t feel safe here at all, so she just folded them against her back as best she could.

They strode through impossibly long hallways and past an immeasurable number of staff. Wherever she was, it was huge, bigger than anything she had been in.

Everyone they walked past eyed her openly. No one bothered her (she assumed because of Kylo Ren), but they all looked terrified or confused. Were there no aliens in the whole universe? Or had they just never seen anything like her?

Finally they stopped in front of an open door. A sweet man invited her in with a kind gesture, unfazed by her huge wings. A small measure of peace and relief slipped through her.

The room was stacked high with black cloth. Bolts of it covered every surface, almost to overflowing. The man, she assumed he was the seamster, had brown hair cut, close to his head, and tan skin.

After moving some stuff around to make room for them, he turned to her and started chattering away (she assumed in Basic, though she couldn’t tell).

Kylo replied for her, in the same tongue, and gestured at her wings.

The seamster looked a little unsettled that the imposing man beside her was speaking for her (especially with the emotions that must have been playing across her face), but didn’t say anything else. He grabbed what looked to be measuring tape, and started wrapping it around various parts of her body.

After several silent minutes, she couldn’t stand it any longer. “Kylo, please. I need to know Basic. I won’t run. Besides, who on this whole base would help me escape?”

The cold, black mask turned to meet her hesitant gaze. Her mind was a flutter again, and she realized he must be searching for a lie. She relaxed (as best she could) and let him in, trying to show him she was being sincere.

“Fine,” he said, clearly not happy. He must have realized that it was ridiculous to keep her uncommunicative. What if he wasn’t around and something happened?

She felt a white hot ball of power pierce her brain. The seamster immediately fell back as her wings expanded, trying to protect her from the invisible foe. As the ball fully breached her mind, words and phrases danced through her vision in an unfamiliar alphabet.  _ Aurebesh _ her brain told her. The scorching sphere circled her mind, burning the characters to her language centers. Suddenly, aurebesh made sense, and language started clicking into place. Basic became a code she could switch to, like Spanish, French, and English.

“What the fuck?” she murmured, gripping her head, “Did you have to make it hurt so badly?”

Kylo said nothing. He looked at the seamster for a moment, and she was being measured again.

She carefully pulled her wings back in, so they wouldn’t be in the way, and focused on Basic. “Hello,” she said to the seamster, “My name is Elia. And you?”

He looked at her, uncertain for a moment. Her brief outburst had stolen his geniality, and that hurt. Eventually, he hesitantly replied with, “Ohn’toh Crillo.”

She grinned despite herself. For the first time since she had found herself on this station, she could communicate! A linguist who can’t communicate is like a pianist bound with mittens in front of the keys. “Nice to meet you, Ohn’toh.”

He returned her smile, and warmed up a little. “These are impressive wings you have, but you look human to me.”

“I am human… Does that meet that there are aliens?”

“Of course! There are hundreds of them. You won’t see many here though.” His eyes shot to Kylo, like he wasn’t supposed to say that. “Where are you from?”

“Far, far away… But that doesn’t matter. What did Kylo tell you? I’m assuming he gave you instructions for some kind of uniform?” she joked

Ohn’toh’s eyes shot to Kylo again as she said his name, like it was too familiar of her, and she would get in trouble.  “Uh… He told me to make you the standard with space to accommodate these beauties.” He gently patted the wing closest to him.

“Thank you,” she said. He might have thought it was for the uniform, but it was for calling her wings “beauties.” She wasn’t how good her translation was, but he meant it as something positive, she could tell.

“Of course. I am here to help.” He gave her another winning smile and refocused on her measurements.

Her mind swirled with this new information as he got in his zone. She was getting a uniform? She had been kidding about the uniform. How was Kylo so ready to accept her as part of… whatever? How high up was he? It was a lot to try to process at once.

She could at least find out one thing. She switched to English and asked, “Why am I getting a uniform? I just got here. I don’t have military training.”

He replied in English. “You have some training. I don’t know what organization you worked for, but you were trained in weapons, tactical maneuvers, and more. Besides, you are blaster proof, generally durable, and everyone gets a uniform. Your real training will begin tomorrow, and uniforms are required on base.”

She nodded, unsure of what to make of this. There had to be something more. Some reason he hadn’t just pitched her out the airlock. She assumed she survived to interrogation because he was curious, but his curiosity had to be sated by now.

“Alright,” Ohn’toh said, bringing her back, “Even with the wings, this shouldn’t be too hard to whip up. You are pretty much human from what I can see. I can have a full set ready in about an hour.”

Kylo turned without another word and strode out the door.

Elia gave Ohn’toh a sheepish look, and said, “Thank you,” before following Kylo.

After that, things went quickly. He found a room for her, and showed her around. Most facilities, like the cafeteria and medbay, were for the sector she lived in, so she wouldn’t have to go too far. He also showed her a huge training room. It was similar to the first one he had taken her to, but it had vaulted ceilings.

As they went back to Ohn’toh’s, he said, “You will be given a training regimen, and you will be expected to follow it to the letter. I will know if you lie. You know where everything is, so don’t get lost. Most people won’t know where you need to go for your training. Is that clear?”

“Yeah, I got it.”

“Good.” He stopped in front of the uniform room. “Keep to your schedule. I will be checking in.” With that, he left her.

Mind-numbing panic coursed through her for a moment, causing her wings to flare and the claws to extend. She took several deep breaths and calmed herself. She knew this area. She knew how to get back to her room from the tailor, and she knew how to get everywhere from her room. She had been fighting panic most of her life, so she managed to calm herself quite quickly.

Ohn’toh was waiting for her eagerly. “I think I have out done myself this time!” he called, holding up a uniform.

The uniform looked the same as his, the same as everyone else’s, except for the large cut out in the back. It was stylized though, like it was meant to be there, and it was fashionable (at least to her.)

“I love it,” she said. She was feeling uncertain about her place here, though. What was her rank? What was expected of her, besides the training?

Ohn’toh must have seen the emotions playing across her face. “Hey, hey, don’t worry about… him. He is… Well, he’s himself. I’m sure you’ll do great here. Where are you working?”

“I honestly don’t know. Kylo is training me, but I don’t know what for.” She took the uniform and slipped behind the privacy curtain in the back.

“Do you have the Force?”

“The what?” Her wings were getting in the way, and she realized she would have to put them away before she could put on the uniform in this tiny corner.

“Huh, I guess not. Maybe it’s your wings. They are pretty interesting.”

“Yeah, I guess so… Hold on a moment, Ohn’toh.”

She closed her eyes, and tuned everything out, focusing solely on her wings. They quivered behind her, feeling her apprehension. She couldn’t lie to herself and say she wasn’t scared, but they weren’t helping. Now that Kylo wasn’t standing next to her, she might get attacked. From what Ohn’toh had said, there were no aliens on board. That led her to believe the organization she had found herself in was xenophobic. Time to blend.

With that train of thought, she finally convinced herself (and her wings). Her back ripped audibly, and she clamped a hand over her mouth. Putting them back was always more painful. Her back arched past the point of discomfort, and all 24 feet of wing tore into her body before disappearing like magic. She prayed that she wasn’t bleeding all over his stuff.

Her back stitched itself back together, and it felt like bugs running across her skin. Thankfully, it didn’t last long, and she was completely normal, except for the scars, of course.

She slipped off her tattered t-shirt, and felt a strange pang of nostalgia. This was the only t-shirt she had, and it might the last one she ever saw. She wished she hadn’t torn it up.

Her jeans came off next, and she pulled on the uniform. It was surprisingly comfortable, and it fit her better than anything ever had. Her long, wavy, dark hair was loose, so she decided to put it up in a bun like everyone else.

She stepped out from behind the privacy curtain and Ohn’toh let out a little gasp. She smiled, thinking she looked good, but he said, “What happened?” eyeing the empty space behind her.

“Oh… I retracted them so I could fit in the back corner. And, I was little worried about the hostile looks I was getting on the way over here. I don’t think people like non-conformity.”

He glanced around the room before sliding closer to her. “You’re right, they don’t,” he whispered, “That’s why I was trying to be nice to you when you first came in.  I believe in almost everything the order does, but the hatred of aliens is unfathomable to me. That, and you were with  _ him _ . People who work with him can always use a bit of kindness.”

“He’s not very…” She tried to think of an inoffensive word, but came up short.

“I know what you mean.” His face darkened for a moment, fear flickering in his eyes. After a moment, he regained his composure. “Well, give us a spin! I want to see how it looks!”

She smiled sheepishly, but twirled for him. She didn’t hate her body, but she didn’t even know what the standard of beauty was here. Most people she had seen were rail thin, and she was a bit chunky in the middle. She liked being soft, but it seemed like everything on this base was hard.

“Oh my…” he murmured, as she finished her twirl.

It hit her like a ton of bricks. How could she have forgotten her scars would show? The lines across her back where it flayed itself, and the gnarled curves where her wings would anchor would be framed by this outfit. Ohn’toh had cut her uniform to allow room for wings, which meant her scars would be on display, especially if she was to keep her hair up.

“Yeah… Those are permanent,” she mumbled.

“Those look painful. Does it hurt when you...?”

She just nodded. He seemed like the kind of person to care about her being in pain (unlike Kylo), and she didn’t want him to feel bad for her. There was no need to go into the details of it. “Don’t worry, it’s completely worth it.” At least that was true.

Relief washed over him. “That’s good then. They are amazing, but being able to retract them at all is a blessing, I’m sure.”

“Definitely.”

\---

She found her way to her room with no difficulty. If she could navigate the streets of Washington D.C. from the sky at night, she could follow a simple path. No one bothered her on her way back either, now that she looked the part.

Her room was small and plain, but she didn’t mind. The bed was long enough for her 5’10” frame, and she didn’t have any personal items to stuff the room with anyway. There was a small ensuite, a half desk, and a stout dresser. She gently laid the rest of her uniforms in the drawers of the dresser, along with the undergarments Ohn’toh had been kind enough to provide.

Her reflection in the ensuite mirror caught her eye. She looked… stern dressed like this. She supposed that was the point, but it was unnerving. Her hair pulled back made the bones in her face look sharper. The lack of dark hair around her eyes made them a piercing blue. The uniform was flattering, but unapproachable.

She turned, craning her neck, and looked at her scars. They were framed by the edging, in stark contrast with her lightly tanned skin and black uniform. They were like beacons. The only thing she could hope was that people would think she had survived some intense fight (which wasn’t far from the truth).

She caught the display of a clock out of the corner of her eye. It was six in the evening (she assumed evening). Dinner was probably being served, but she wasn’t hungry. Would she be able to eat the food here? Her head started swirling, and she could feel her wings itching to come out again. She groaned and sat on the bed, trying to calm herself again.

Sitting on the bed made her realize how exhausted she was. She didn’t try to fight it. Her uniform came off, and she slipped under the covers naked.


	4. Training

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo muses on what he has learned, while Elia starts her training.
> 
> Tags: POV Switch, mental health and illness, CPTSD and addiction (mentioned), trauma (mentioned), training regimen, descriptions of training, gun use, loneliness.

Kylo Ren rarely felt anything for anyone (this was an effort on his part, but he was getting better at it). This girl, this Elia, her life was tragic. The difficulty in reading her mind hadn’t come from the language barrier. Her brain was like a giant wound that had scarred over many times. It was a raw scream unleashed upon his senses, overwhelming and unnerving. She was hiding it from herself and the world.

He had seen things he hadn’t understood. Things like CPTSD and addiction. He knew their definition, and even how she defined them, but he had no context for them. All he knew was her brain was a maze, hiding the pain from itself as best as possible.

What shocked him was how  _ good _ she was. She wasn’t completely light (there was a lot of repressed anger and rage), but she was concerned with other people’s feelings and needs (even his, briefly), almost more than her own. She wasn’t perfect, but she wasn’t bad.

He assumed, with a life like hers, that she would have been evil.

He berated himself.  _ It didn’t take much for you to turn, did it?  _ That was the point wasn’t it, though? The dark side was power and strength. It made him better. He couldn’t tolerate the weakness in himself, so he destroyed it.

He wanted to turn her…

She felt bad about the men she had killed, even though all four had kidnapped her and were going to kill her after doing unspeakable things. She mourned their loss and repented eternally. He could free her from that pain.

She had the power to fight. She had anger and determination. She was resilient. (She was beautiful. She was interesting. She was so  _ powerful _ in such a new way.) She had handled it all wonderfully. Somehow, being transported here, him reading her mind, the pain of everything that had happened that day. None of it had phased her. Even when he abandoned her, she had wrestled herself into being alright, faster even than most Jedi he had known.

He was too curious about her. He was too interested in her. He knew this. Controlling his emotions had always been difficult, and this was no different. He shoved it all aside roughly. This was not the time to be thinking about some girl. He had to talk to Snoke about her, about letting them work together. She didn’t have the Force, but she could be an asset, (and a distraction and a companion).

He didn’t know if Snoke would allow her to stay, but Kylo did know Snoke wouldn’t be interested in her for himself. She didn’t have the kind of power he was looking for.

\---

She slept for twelve hours, but she still felt tired. It had been an overwhelming day. There was no way she could have set an alarm, so she was thankful when she woke up on time. All she knew about her schedule was that she was supposed to have breakfast at 7. Kylo hadn’t told her that, Ohn’toh had, as she was leaving.

Kylo wasn’t telling her a lot.

She got up, showered (with some minor initial difficulty), and got dressed. Thankfully, the little bathroom was fully stocked with various soaps, a brush, some hair ties, and other important toiletries. After a few worrisome minutes, she figured out how to clean her teeth. Everything was conveniently labeled, and there were some things called dental sticks. Thank God.

Opening the door took some thought, but it wasn't rocket science. She even figured out how to lock it with a code. Kylo could easily pull the code from her mind, but it made her feel better.

On the outside of the door was a letter with her name on it. The schedule inside was pretty rigorous.

__ 7:00 Breakfast  
__ 8:00 Endurance (run for one hour)  
__ 9:00 Blaster training  
__ 10:00 Strength (lift weighted bags as practice for lifting people)  
__ 11:00 Agility (obstacle course)  
__ 12:00 Lunch  
__ 13:00 Flight endurance (fly for one hour)  
__ 14:00 Blaster training while flying  
__ 15:00 Wing strength (lift weighted bags while flying)  
__ 16:00 Agility (Flying obstacle course)  
_ 17:00 Dinner  
_ __ 18:00-21:00 Use datapad (will be in your room by the end of the first day) to learn about the First Order, the Galaxy, technology, medicine, and battle tactics.

_This regimen must be followed to the letter. Deviance will_ **not** _be tolerated._

She was scheduled for fourteen hours a day? There was only one hour left to get ready for bed and one hour to get ready in the morning if she wanted to sleep for 8 hours. She was terrified and irritated. Every day was going to be long and exhausting, and she didn’t think she could run for an hour. Flying for an hour was easy, but running? When was the last time she had even done that?

There was no way Kylo had created this schedule. Not on his own, at least. He just wasn’t the type. Maybe there was someone above him, or adjacent? Ohn’toh had never used a title, or even his name. What did that mean?

She legitimately didn’t have time to wonder. Breakfast started in five minutes, and she had to get to the canteen. There was no doubt in her mind that she would be punished for lateness, even though it was just breakfast.

What had she gotten herself into?

The canteen was as grey as everything else. (Was this organization afraid of color?) The food was strange, and she wasn’t sure it was edible, but she had no other options. She just prayed it wouldn’t make her foreign body sick.

She didn’t know anyone, so she sat alone at the corner of an emptier table. She wished she had a book or a television. Maybe the datapad that the note had mentioned would be able to provide her some entertainment during her lonely meals. How was she going to get to know anyone with a schedule like hers? Did everyone work so much?

At 7:55 by the clock on the back wall, she cleared her tray (by watching how everyone else did it) and found her way to the training room.

The room had changed since she had been here last. There was new equipment, and it was sectioned off by activity. She could easily pick out the obstacle courses, one was suspended from the ceiling and one protruded from the floor. A selection of weights and huge bags were piled in one area, and there was a row of targets against the back wall. A huge clock above the targeting dummies told her the time: 7:59.

A track route had been laid out on the floor, clearly marked. The material was spongy, so walking on it was more comfortable than walking on the floors of the base. It felt ergonomic, which was odd, but made sense for a military training facility.

The clock hit 8:00, and she began her run. It was as difficult as she thought it would be. She wasn’t out of shape, per se, but she didn’t do cardio with her legs. She did note that the uniform was perfect for exercise. It was breathable, and it wicked her sweat. Even after the grueling hour of tormenting her legs, she didn’t feel too gross.

As she began blaster practice, it became clear that no one was going to join her. If breakfast was at 7 for everyone, they would have probably gotten here by then. The gnawing loneliness from her earlier solitary meal grew. She didn’t even have that robed asshole to stare at her imperceptibly.

Blasters and guns were surprisingly different from each other, and it took her a bit to change her muscle reflexes accordingly. Thankfully, she had been a good shot before, and it came back to her quickly. She found a machine that fed clay pigeons (Well, they weren’t made of clay or pigeon shaped, but she didn’t know what else to call them), and started practicing with them half way through.

By the end of the hour, she was hitting them half the time. Not bad for her first day.

Strength training wasn’t too taxing. Her legs were unhappy with their part, but she used to carry her husband on her flights. She only stopped when he was bedridden. The muscles were a little weak from lack of use, but at least she had used them.

Agility, she realized, meant more running. She jogged through that obstacle course for the whole hour, but she was sloppy, hitting edges and tripping over her feet. She would do better the next day, she told herself.

She became exhausted quickly, from the intense and constant work out, but refused to stop. She felt like Kylo Ren (or some other, more horrifying, unknown being) would jump out of the rafters and berate her otherwise. She could barely drag her carcass to lunch, but she gorged herself on the suspicious food, lacking the energy to care what it was. She was starving.

Releasing her wings was a huge relief. The rapid healing of her back also healed her entire body, making the morning’s soreness slightly more manageable. Her wing muscles were also in much better shape than any other part of her. She used to fly every night for miles. Flying for one hour was child’s play.

The rest of the day passed quickly, and she made every effort to stay off the ground. Shooting a blaster from the air was much harder than she expected, and she didn’t get a chance to launch the clay pigeons again. The rest was easy. She had been doing this kind of stuff for fun since she first got her wings.

Putting her wings away was also a relief, as a second dose of rapid healing helped clear the lingering soreness. She was still achy, but in a much more manageable way, when she headed for dinner.

After gorging herself again, she (thankfully) went back to her room. Lying down had never felt better in her life, and she felt like she could fall asleep right away. A strange device was emitting a low glow from her desk, and she remembered her final task of the day.

Getting out of bed to get the datapad might have been the hardest thing she did that day, but she managed to do it. The thing was similar to a kindle in some ways, and operating it wasn’t too difficult. After a few false starts, she dove into the research.

The information was actually quite interesting, and she devoured it. The history of this place stretched back farther than she could imagine (though the First Order was pretty new). She crammed her head full of all that she could, clicking through page after page. She even learned how to set an alarm on her clock.

At 21:03, she finally stopped. Part of her wanted to keep learning, to fully understand this world she had been thrust into, but she was about to pass out. She didn’t bother to get ready for bed, opting to, again, just strip and fall asleep. This time, an alarm would wake her at 5:45 am (to give her time to shower).

\---

A month passed like this with little change. Befriending the Order members in her area proved to be futile. She brought her datapad to meals and continued her research instead. The loneliness ate away at her, but she was different, and they knew it. Ohn’toh must have been eating somewhere else. She knew where his place was, but didn't have time to go to it, so she resigned herself to solitude.

She adhered to the training so strictly, it became second nature. By week two, her internal clock almost knew when it was time to switch to the next task. Her stomach also told her when it was time to eat. At the beginning, she had followed it for fear of punishment, but she became confident and proud. All the work was paying off. She started running with small free weights by week two, and by week three she started carrying one of the human sized bags for a portion of her run. The obstacle courses became second nature, to the point that she got bored and rearranged them, combining them even, so she would have to land to navigate.

Her physique changed slightly, and she became visibly stronger. Nothing she did worked off her tummy pooch, but she didn’t care. She felt like she could take on the world. Her wings even got noticeably better, and with the constant practice of her wings in and out, she got faster at releasing them. By the last day of the month, it only took a minute, instead of 5 or so

Most of the tasks quickly became boring. Just flying for an hour had been boring from day two, but soon even the rearranged course was monotonous. She had even managed to read most of the important history and detail about her new home. She started doing riskier things, trying to push herself to where she would be truly ready for battle.

Once, she purposefully grazed herself with a blaster bolt before her run, but still managed to do her entire morning routine. She wore the wound to lunch that day (and people noticed), before healing it away with the emergence of her wings.

Another day, she strapped weights to her legs for the routine. The regimen became difficult again, and she was sore that night.

During the fourth week, she set a blaster to automatically fire periodically, and dodged it throughout the day. That day set her on edge, and she didn’t do it again.

The second to last day of the month, she shot herself again and did the second part of her routine with an injured wing. (She regretted that later, though. Wounds to her wings didn’t heal with the transformation. After she pulled her wings back inside, they manifested on her torso in relation to the wound’s placement. She was forced to claim a weapons malfunction to get a medpac at the end of the day.)

Kylo didn’t come to see her once during that month of training. She was unsure of the goal she was supposed to reac and even more unsure of her place. She started to fear that he had forgotten her, leaving her to train until she died. The thought persisted and made it difficult to focus. She pushed through it as best she could, however. She had nothing else.


	5. The Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elia is in for a surprise.
> 
> Tags: Gun use, training, breaking point, loneliness, fight, major wound, major pain, the Force, manipulation really begins, makes Kylo a little OOC.

The first day of the second month began as usual. That day, she carried the weighted bag for as long as she could, pretending it was a fellow soldier in need of rescue. She was managing to navigate her task list quite successfully, even with the burden, but she kept being distracted by something. As she was doing her second round of blaster training, she spotted movement from the corner of her vision.

She flipped around to the source of the disturbance and landed, dropping the body bag with a thud. “Who’s there?” she demanded, unafraid. Her wings wrapped around her like a shield, gun pointed through them at the suspicious spot on the wall.

“Impressive,” Kylo said, slipping out of the shadows, “You have progressed more than I could have hoped.”

Having someone talk to her was amazing, and for a moment, her heart soared. She had been so lonely. That passed quickly, and anger replaced it. “Nice of you to join me,” she snapped, “I was beginning to think you were just occupying my time with nonsense.”

“Was it ‘nonsense?’ You carried that sack through most of your training without breaking a sweat, and you have never flown better.”

Her wings unraveled, and she lowered her gun. Her routine wasn’t over, so she went back to blaster practice, ignoring him. She wasn’t afraid to turn her back to him now. If he wanted to kill her, he wouldn’t have fed, clothed, and generally provided for her for a month.

“Elia, I know you don’t appreciate my methods, but you needed to focus. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have been able to achieve such feats in such a short time.”

“A little warning would have been nice,” she muttered, shooting six targets in a row, dead center.

“Would knowing have made it easier?”

“Obviously,” she scoffed, shooting the targets again. “Wait… Did you tell people to avoid me?” She turned to glare at his impenetrable mask.

“I didn’t need to. Word spread quickly. You were seen with wings by many people on your first day. It wasn’t hard for them to connect your wings, your scars, and the new girl that no one had ever seen before.”

Anger filled her. It ran like fire through her veins, making her wings quiver. “This whole thing is bullshit.”

“I needed you to be perfect if I was going to make you my right hand.”

Fury overflowed, and the month of loneliness and exhaustion finally caught up to her. “ _Fuck you!_ Communicate with me! Tell me what you expect of me! You can’t just drop me into this shit with no context, and expect me to be your fucking bitch!”

“What would stop me from doing just that? Besides, what’s done is done.”

She spun around and fired at him dead on. Unfortunately, he could see her plan, and his lightsaber was out in time to block the shots. She growled, and continued, rapid fire, hoping that at least one would get through.

He blocked every shot with ease, which only infuriated her more, but made no move to attack her.

She launched herself through the air, and hurled herself towards him. When she was hovering above his head, she dropped, like a dead weight.

He defended his head with his lightsaber, but she caught herself a foot above it and let go of the blaster. The sword burned through it, dropping two chunks of metal. One clattered to the floor uselessly, but one slammed into Kylo’s shoulder, opening him for her next attack.

She dropped again, kicking his awful weapon out of his hand. Her whole body collapsed on top of him, dragging him to the floor in a heap. She sat on his chest, pinning his arms with her knees, and let her wings unfurl behind her.

“I could kill you,” she hissed, “I could kill you and end all of this.”

“No, you couldn’t,” he growled.

An invisible hand slammed into her, pushing her off of him. Her wings were stronger now, though, and she beat her wings as hard as she could. She managed to land on his hips. Before he could do some other magic shit, she punched him in the chest.

He managed to turn enough that she missed his diaphragm, her fist bouncing off toward his shoulder. The groan of pain was unmistakable, and it made her grin.

A burst of power buffeted against her, but she kept beating her wings to hold her in place. “I don’t think your powers work on my wings, Kylo,” she sneered, “They are a gift from Death itself, and not easily beaten. Thank god they are stronger than my body now, right?”

She threw back her arm, preparing for another blow, but he thrust his arm out to the side. That distracted her. What could he possibly be doing?

His lightsaber flew into his hand from across the room.

Her reaction was a second too late. She frantically beat her wings, trying to escape his range, but he ignited the weapon. A blood curdling scream escaped her as he cut through her wing like butter.

The scream didn’t stop as she fell off him, and only got stronger as her impact with the ground jostled the delicate tissue.

He righted himself as she writhed on the padded ground. Movement hurt, but the pain was so much that she couldn’t keep still. Nothing had torn through her wings before, and the realization that she was vulnerable was almost as painful as the wound itself.

Agony renewed as he gently grabbed her wing, carefully pressing the two ends together with one hand. He genuinely seemed to be trying not to hurt her, but that was an impossible feat. The tear was about a foot long, a quarter the height of her entire wing. The ends were raw and angry. Her voice started to falter as her vocal chords could not keep up.

“I think you are ready,” he said, injecting a medpac into the wound.

She gasped in agony as the bacta hit her, and her entire torso strained upward. Finally, the healing began, and she relaxed into the floor. She felt her wing stitch itself back together and heal swiftly. The sensation was unnerving and less natural feeling than her own healing abilities. Unlike last time, she knew exactly what a medpac was, so the effect was less magical.

She tested the wing, and it held, thankfully. It was almost completely healed. The area was still tender, but it wasn’t permanent damage, thanks to the medpac. The terror that had streaked through her before dissipated. She was okay.

He moved closer to her body, away from the wound. His body language was completely different, more soft and gentle, like he was worried she was still in pain. She was unsure how to react, and so all she could do was sit upright.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he murmured, “I didn’t think it would go through. The blaster fire didn’t, and is made of the same base crystals.”

Confusion rolled through her mind. He cared? She found herself unable to respond from the shock of it.

He sat in front of her, only a few inches away. Gloved hands cupped either side of his face, and the mask started to move with a low hiss. He pulled it off, setting it on the ground beside them.

She was not prepared for what was underneath. A man, a human man, barely 30 (and attractive, but she didn’t let that thought register consciously). His dark brown eyes were intense and captivating, and his expression was one of pride and comfort. She felt her resolve weakening.

“I needed to be sure that you were strong enough to handle the mission. Loneliness, injury, boredom, and repetition. These are all things you will run into in battle. You were able to follow instructions and remained resolute in the face of isolation from your only companion. The regimen was designed to exhaust you, but make you better. You _are_ better. No one has even come close to defeating me. Suffering and pain are the only true ways to power.” His voice was almost as deep naturally as the modulator made it. It was much kinder sounding, easier on the ears.

The praise was too much. She found herself basking in it. Talking to another person was amazing in and of itself, but getting complimented? She shook her head, trying to focus. _No! This is Kylo Ren! He just cut through your wing! He has been horrendous to you! He isolated you!_ But what if he was right? She was stronger. She hadn’t been able to fight him off before.

“Being special means being isolated,” he continued, “It’s lonely at the top. But I can be at the top with you, now that you have proven you are good enough.”

“My wing is vulnerable. You just proved that to me. I am not the invincible, durable woman you thought I was,” she said, trying to convince herself he was wrong.

A look passed across his face, like he was almost pleased. “There are very few lightsabers in the galaxy. They used to be more common, but through the efforts of my grandfather, and, more recently, me, there are very few left. You would mostly being fighting against blasters. You would be provided with a huge supply of medpacs, so you wouldn’t need to worry about excessive fire. You would be amazing on the battlefield. Unstoppable. A great asset to the Order, and to me.”

She found herself blushing, but she came to a horrifying realization: if Kylo had one of few lightsabers, he could control her when no one else could. She stood, unable to look at him. “God dammit, why? I just tried to kill you! What if I try again?”

“If you succeed in killing me, then it would be clear that you are meant to replace me.” His tone said it was unlikely she would ever succeed. “Besides, I expected you to want to kill me after what I put you through. But you did it. You successfully survived everything I threw at you, big and small. I only did this because I thought you could take it, and now you are ready to join me.”

It sounded too good to be to be true. She was better than this. She deserved better than this. She started to walk away.

“Don’t you see? You’re old life is gone, but you’ll never have to be alone again. You will rule over those on base who refused to talk to you. Being my right hand is one of the highest positions in the Order. Together, we can do anything.”

Together? She wouldn’t be alone anymore? She faltered, stopping only a few steps away from him. She wanted to be special. She wanted to be powerful. She wanted to _win_ , rather than just survive. There was no way for her to get home, and what was left for her there anyway? From what she had read, the Resistance was evil, a menace that needed to be stopped. She could stop them.

She turned to face him, meeting his heavy gaze without fear. “When do we start?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that in cannon, a medpac is a toolkit for healing, but I am used to the kind where it is a [kolto](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Kolto)/[bacta](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Bacta/Legends) injection stim (legends: KotOR). That is what I am using as medpac in this work.


	6. The Higher-Ups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo takes her to meet someone who will decide her fate.
> 
> Tags: General Hux introduced, Supreme Leader Snoke introduced, another fight, mental scrubbing, mental torture, The Force, Mind reading, The Force (probably) doesn't work like that, fear, some manipulation.

With that, they left behind the familiar halls around her room. All Kylo told her was that she was going to meet someone who was highly influential in the Order. She knew a few of the high-ranking names now, like: General Hux, Admiral Thrawn, Supreme Leader Snoke. Kylo’s rank in the Order was… difficult to place. None of the literature explained it. She knew for a fact that the Supreme Leader was above him, but the rest was inconcrete.

Kylo had put back on his mask as they left the training room, and she wished he hadn’t. Seeing his face made all this easier to deal with. She felt like he had suffered too, and they were together in it. His mask made him less human (probably on purpose), and harder to read. It made her a bit skittish.

As they passed into the fancier looking area of the huge ship (a star destroyer, she had read), they passed people of higher and higher rank. Her wings were out (Kylo wouldn’t let her put them away), but the officers didn’t interfere with her. Kylo Ren’s fierce determination made it none of their business. She could already feel the benefits of being by his side, and, as she walked down those halls, she found herself wanting to stay by his side. It offered protection and a context to her power. It made her special, not just different, and better. Maybe it had been like that on the first day with Kylo, and she just hadn’t realized it due to her fear and ignorance. She just knew that she would never been alone again.

A stern ginger-haired man interrupted their journey when he arrogantly intercepted their path. He had a look on his face like someone was stepping on his prized artisanal flowers. He was clearly pompous and full of himself, and she disliked him immediately.

Kylo’s modulator seemed to make an error for a moment, as a sound similar to a laugh passed through it.

“Ren, I see you have your pet project with you. Remind me again why we are wasting our time with this one?”

She took a step forward (so she wouldn’t hit Kylo) and spread her wings as far as the hall would allow, letting them expand in front of her and closer to the pinch-faced man. She let a slightly deranged look pass across her face, and the claws in her wings extended fully. The longest was nearly a foot, and there were 5 on each wing, protruding through the “fingers” of it.

“Call off your dog, Ren!” the man barked, clearly terrified.

His abject terror pleased her, so she folded her wings behind her again, but did not step back. It was strange to her that this weak man could be general. She could already tell that Hux didn’t like her, which she thought was stupid. A good general would be happy with anything that could strengthen the Order. This man was not a good general.

Kylo’s modulator made the error again, and she realized that he might actually be laughing. Hux realized it too.

“What’s so funny?” Hux demanded.

“You should hear what she thinks about you,” Kylo chuckled.

She had forgotten that ability for a moment. It had been so long since she had been around him. Embarrassment started to make her blush, but she pushed it away. If she was going to be around a mind-reader all the time, he was going to hear more embarrassing stuff than that.

General Hux could only glare at her impotently. It made her feel powerful. She had never felt like this when staring down a superior before (which she was pretty sure he was). She was tempted to lean in and say, “Boo!” but she didn’t think it would translate.

Hux composed himself, and the practiced facade slid back into place. “You had better hope she is as impressive as you think she is. The Supreme Leader doesn’t like it when people waste his time.”

Before either of them could say anything, he stormed off.

“What an incompetent asshole,” she muttered in English.

“Agreed.”

“Am I really meeting Supreme Leader Snoke?” she asked, feeling unsure of herself.

“Yes, but don’t worry, you are just as impressive as you think you are,” he said, continuing forward.

She followed him after a few steps, nerves wracked with worry. The Supreme Leader was a powerful man who could kill her. Well, so was Kylo.

\---

The chamber Kylo brought her to was huge, but Supreme Leader Snoke was not in it. As they walked in, however, a huge hologram of a strange looking being filled the room. His face was scarred and deformed, and she found him to be quite unsettling, but she (of course) said nothing. She guessed that he was somewhere else, which made her feel a bit better.

“So, this is the one you spoke of?” he said, voice crackling slightly through the hologram.

“Yes, Supreme Leader, this is her. She is not a Force user, as I told you, but she is unique. I gave her a strict training regimen, and she followed it without fail for a month, with no extra input from me. She is strong, fast, and sturdy. Since she was new to this part of the universe, I have seen to it that she has been properly educated in our ways. She is loyal and ready for battle.”

His description made her feel like a top of the line robot, but they were compliments all the same.

“Show me what you can do, girl,” the imposing voice said.

“Yes, sir,” she replied.

She launched herself into the air, and tore through the room, pushing herself to her top speed. The black walls streaked past her as she soared around the hologram.

Kylo thrust out his hand, and she felt a pull around her middle. Panic stabbed into her, even though she had expected him to do something like this. She used that fear to beat her wings harder, pulling away inch by hard won inch. She couldn’t stop his power, but she could keep away from it.

Kylo pulled out a blaster and aimed at her dead center. She wrapped her wings around herself, letting her body drop. The Force pulled her closer to him, but the blaster bolt missed her by a foot. She made minute adjustments to her descending speed, so even though he fired several more times, he missed with every shot.

As she was pulled closer to him, she spread her wings again and pulled away. He missed twice more, but one blast managed to graze her wing. She cursed under her breath, as she lost a foot and a half of the height she had gained. Pushing through the pain, she gained that lost distance, and flew higher, hiding behind the hologram so he couldn’t see her clearly.

The Force grip Kylo had on her disappeared, and she tore through the Supreme Leader’s image to meet him. He fired several blasts, but they went wide due to his surprise. She was only inches away when she was thrown back several feet, clipping the display. The wall was coming at her quickly, but she managed to catch herself, using her legs to rebound towards him again.

“That’s enough,” The Supreme Leader said.

She dropped to the ground immediately, landing and bowing in one motion.

“She can do more than this,” Kylo injected, “She managed to disarm me once, and she is incredibly accurate with a blaster. If she can fight this well against me, imagine what she can do against normal people. Blaster fire barely slows her down.”

The Supreme Leader thought about this for a few moments, saying nothing.

Elia worried she hadn’t done enough. Death was breathing down her neck. Ninety years wasn’t bad, but she thought she would have more, since she didn’t age.

Suddenly, something gripped her entire body. It was more powerful than anything Kylo could do, and fighting was impossible. Her wings were free, but they flailed uselessly, barely able to move her. Something entered her mind and carelessly tore through her memories. It was painful, but she gritted her teeth, unwilling to scream in front of Supreme Leader Snoke.

The Supreme Leader flipped through her memories at top speed, barely interested in her past. He spent more time looking at her training, examining her efforts deeply, analyzing her tactics and abilities. He replayed her fight with Kylo multiple times, catching things she had been unable to see in the moment.

Kylo did nothing to help her, though she hadn’t expected him to. He just waited for it to be over on the sidelines. She wished she could read his mind, just in that moment. Did he care that this was happening?

Finally, Supreme Leader Snoke released her, and she collapsed to the ground gracelessly.

“I can see why you are interested in her. I haven’t seen anything like this in my time,” the Supreme Leader mused.

“There is nothing in the archive about it either. It might be a phenomenon exclusive to her planet. If we don’t use her, the Resistance could get their hands on her,” Kylo added.

“That’s true… We could just kill her to prevent that”

She pulled herself from the ground shakily. It irritated her that they were talking about her like she wasn’t there, but she was more dazed by the power that had just been casually used against her. She had thought, when Kylo offered her it to her, that the position was already available. Her wings wrapped around her protectively, something they hadn’t done in years. She silently took solace in it and waited for her life to be decided.

“Supreme Leader, I truly believe she can be useful to me. The stormtroopers are… effective enough, but I need something of my own,” Kylo was saying.

“What about your Knights of Ren?”

“They are always off somewhere else,” Kylo scoffed, “There are so many objectives that require them to be away. She would come with me on my missions and have none of her own. Her not having the Force, but being powerful, makes her perfect for this.”

“I think she could be of use to us. Those wings should strike fear in the hearts of the enemy, and she has the power to validate that fear. Very well, Ren. As long as she doesn’t become a detriment to your own training and mission, you can use her.”

Kylo bowed. “Thank you, Supreme Leader. I will not fail you.”

The hologram fizzled out, and the room darkened. She was dazed, standing in the dark room, still shaky from her encounter with Supreme Leader Snoke’s power. The gnawing loneliness started to eat away at her again. She took several deep breaths, reminding herself that she was strong and powerful. There was no reason to fear him now; she was in.

Once she calmed herself, she strode to Kylo’s side. He had to have been listening to the chaos in her mind, but she didn’t expect him to help her. They were together, but alone.

“I can’t protect you from him,” he whispered.

“I know.”

They walked back to her room in silence. She was processing her new, unlabeled role. Kylo was as indecipherable as ever, but she found some peace in that. Maybe she didn’t want to know what he was feeling.

When they got to her room, he stopped her before she could step inside.

“If the Supreme Leader had told me to kill you, I would have,” Kylo said.

She started to reply, fear and fury painting her mind, but Kylo cut her off.

“I don’t want to kill you. You are a powerful asset.” He paused. “And I find you to be intriguing.” He placed something in her palm and added, “Tomorrow we will embark on our first mission,” before walking away.

She slipped into her room, confused and exhausted. As she locked the door behind her, she glanced at the object in her hand. He had given her a medpac.


	7. The First Battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elia goes on her first mission for the Order.
> 
> Tags: Battle, guns, gunshot wounds, Elia starts to lose herself, infiltration, death, death of resistance soldiers, torture, mind reading, the Force, murder, PTSD, mental manipulation, dissociation.

The next day, she was shuttled to a desert planet. She wasn’t told the name of the planet or the reason for the mission. All she knew was: don’t shoot the stormtroopers and get Kylo to his destination. The contingent of stormtroopers they had was small, mostly just for show. This was to be her final test. If she succeeded (and survived), no one would be able to question her.

She released her wings on the transporter, which brought horrified gasps from the ‘troopers. She wasn't sure if they were terrified of the wings themselves, the process by which they were born, or both. It didn't matter to her. The reason she was here was to inspire fear from all sides. Loyalty to the Order was required.

Before it even finished landing, the doors to the transporter were thrown open. No one else exited until the AAL touched the ground, but Elia burst from the craft as soon as she could.

Something about the screams of the locals made her feel conflicted, and she didn't chase the ones that ran away.

A contingent of enemy soldiers started attacking, firing on her all at once. She dropped to the ground, avoiding their fire, and ran at them, her wings open wide to strike fear into their hearts. None of the soldiers fled, even though they clearly wanted to.

She had been equipped with two blasters, and a pair of vibroblades strapped to her back. She drew the blasters and fired into the crowd of soldiers. They fell like flies.

For a moment she remembered something her husband had once told her. Years after her getting the wings for the first time, they talked about the potential options the FBI had discussed for her particular abilities. One of those options had been to rile her up and drop her in a war zone. She realized that was exactly what was happening. Part of her was stunned by the revelation, and a little saddened, but the rest of her was drunk on the power that she felt. They couldn't stop her. No one could.

She launched herself into the air, firing at the soldiers below with deadly accuracy. It was almost too easy. Their measly attempts at defense we're no match for her and Kylo’s combined power. She wished she could see what they saw. She imagined herself to be terrifying, and, for once, that didn’t bother her in the slightest.

They gained ground in leaps and bounds, and soon found themselves at a military base. People inside were scrambling, trying to defend themselves against the unexpected force of the attack. Two turrets were brought online, and they starting firing right at her.

She wrapped her wings around herself tightly, and felt explosions of pain across the scales. It stopped her assault for a moment, and she ducked under cover. She gritted her teeth and injected herself with a powerful medpac. The wounds were pretty serious, but the bolts hadn’t broken through her defenses, so her body itself was unharmed. She counted to five, let her wounds heal, and rejoined the fray.

Kylo was deflecting blaster bolts back at the turrets with the grace and precision of a dancer. One turret was already breaking apart, further destroying itself by trying to fire. She focused her aim on the other, more intact, turret, firing as fast as she could until it exploded in a shower of sparks. The first followed soon after.

Kylo’s advance had never slowed, so she rushed to catch up with him. Getting incapacitated wouldn’t look good for her, if she wanted to keep her place in the Order, so she felt more inclined to succeed.

More soldiers were defending the inside of the base. It was made of earth and support beams, and it was already bleeding granules of sand from the assault of the blasters. She holstered her guns and pulled out the two vibroblades. Thankfully, vibroblades and daggers back home were basically the same, and she had a secret love of them from Renaissance Fairs (with Spencer).

The daggers couldn’t deflect bullets like a lightsaber could, so she was forced to treat the base like an obstacle course, jumping and rolling out of the way of the lasers. The halls were tight and narrow, making it impossible to use her wings for anything, let alone actual defense. She felt naked without them in front of her. She wished she had some kind of body armor, instead of the standard uniform.

She and Kylo cleared room after room, working in tandem. They fought side by side, and aided each other greatly. He could force push someone to her, and she would kill them. She could duck to avoid blaster bolts, and he would stop them. Her wings were enough to make most people lose concentration, and she even managed to slash a few people with their claws. The supply of defensive soldiers dwindled quickly.

Something started tugging at her mind, and she found herself starting to lag behind. The Resistance was clearly understaffed and underpaid. The first kernel of doubt was planted in her mind. How could the First Order be in the right if people were so eagerly laying down their lives to fight them? Especially when there weren’t many lives to begin with. She was killing these people… What if the Order was wrong?

Those thoughts were lost as she reached the large room at the back of the base. Kylo was interrogating a man, holding him still with the Force while tearing through his mind. Without a thought, she slipped behind the Resistance man and wrapped her arms around his chest, to make more power available to her partner.

“You can try to hide it from me all you want, Narim,” Kylo was saying, “But I will find it eventually.”

“Never!” Narim cried, trying to squirm free of Elia’s tight grip.

“Who has the map?”

“I don’t know! I honestly don’t!”

“That’s true... but you know someone who has that information. Who are they?”

“I won’t tell you!” The prisoner wriggled and bit Elia’s arm.

She hissed and lowered her arms to be out of his mouth’s reach. Her wings, demonic and strong, wrapped around him. He froze in fear as those claws came into view.

“I wouldn’t do that again,” she whispered into his ear.

He shuddered at the fury in her voice, but stopped moving after that.

She pulled her wings back, and the interrogation continued. All the fight Narim had left was gone, and Kylo found what he needed quickly. After the information had been ripped from his mind, Narim’s body went limp in her arms, weak from fighting and failure.

“Nice work, Elia,” Kylo said, straightening himself, “Kill him.”

The man’s scream of terror was cut short as she snapped his neck. His body dropped to the ground, another casualty from the gruesome day. She hadn’t thought twice about it, but afterward a sickened feeling started to spread through her. In the heat of the battle, she hadn’t thought about what she was doing (she hadn’t let herself), but snapping Narim’s neck brought it all to reality for a moment.

She kept her weapons handy as they wound their way out of the compound, but there was no one left to fight. They met no resistance as they found their way back to the waiting transporter. The world became slightly abstract for her, and was having trouble focusing. Her early clarity had proved to be too much. Everything felt surreal, like it hadn’t really happened, even as she walked over the bodies of people she had killed.

As the transporter was taking off, Kylo sat down with her. “You did good work out there. Very impressive. I was right about you.”

“Thank you, sir,” she replied, giving a bare minimum response. Her gaze fell on the patch of wall in front of it, but her brain did not process the visual information.

“You can still call me Kylo. I think you have earned that right,” he said, gently.

His continued efforts to talk to her were making it hard to zone out. Why was he being so nice? It felt weird to her. “Thank you.”

The stormtroopers around them made a conscious effort to look like they were not paying attention to Elia and Kylo’s exchange. They probably saw all kinds of interactions between higher ups, but it was no business of theirs. She assumed they were probably listening, and they might chat about it amongst themselves, but they would know better than to share it more than that.

He switched to English, whispering, “They were a threat to the Order. We needed to take them out, and you were fantastic. Did you know we only lost one trooper? And they were so inspired by how you leapt into battle that they were more focused than usual? You are a true leader, and the Order is lucky to have you.”

She didn’t know what to say to that. Her mind was a tizzy, and she was finding it difficult to sort it all out. She was hovering just outside of herself, not quite connected. Compliments couldn’t help her with that.

“There is a way I can help,” Kylo said, resting a hand on her shoulder.

She jumped into the air, wings blasting open. She hit a stormtrooper, but Kylo got out of the way in time. “Sorry,” she called out to the poor ‘trooper, who had hit the deck.

Switching to English, she murmured, “How could you possibly help me?”

“With the Force.”

She thought about the anguish and agony that came from having the Force in her mind, and she cringed away. “I think I will be fine.”

He sat back down. “Please, trust me. It doesn’t have to hurt, and I want my right-hand in top shape. We have to chase this lead soon, and I need your help.”

She shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts, but it was no use. It wasn’t just that day. Too much had happened in the last month, and she was running out of bandwidth for it. She couldn’t be broken again, especially not in front of Kylo Ren. Besides, she was in now, right? “Alright. Be gentle.”

“Of course.” He placed his gloved hand on the side of her face, and turned her so she met his eyeless mask.

Power poured into her skull, but it was warm and sweet. It felt like he cared about her and was worried for her health. It felt wonderful.

“Everything is going to be alright,” he said. The voice modulator was distracting, but his power kept her focused. She could almost see his eyes through his vacant mask.

“Everything is going to be alright,” her voice said.

“You did what had to be done, and you did it well.”

“I did what had to be done, and I did it well.”

“You should not be ashamed of those that you have killed. They all deserved it.”

“I should not be ashamed of those that I have killed. They all deserved it.”

The power left her in a wash of dizziness. For a moment, the fog was worse, and she couldn’t see. She blinked, trying to clear her vision, and everything clicked into place. Her brain stopped swirling with the events that haunted her, from her first murders from so long ago, to her attempted murder of Kylo, to the day’s battle. She hadn’t been the kind of person to kill, but she was now, and it was okay. Morality was different here, and she was helping the Order stop a war.

Kylo dropped his hand and turned away. For a moment, she found herself wishing he would stay close, even with that awful mask. The thought lingered longer than usual, and it didn’t repulse her the way those thoughts usually did. He cared about her, at least a little, and who else did she have?

But there was no way to make anything happen. She sank back into her seat. The fluttery feelings about Kylo slipped away, and she reviewed the battle in her mind, finding her mistakes and thinking of ways to be even better next time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAL stands for [Atmospheric Assault Launcher](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Atmospheric_Assault_Lander). Seen in TFA when Kylo lands on Jakku. Transporter is another word for it.


	8. The Cantina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elia takes the night off.
> 
> Tags: Blood mention, mental manipulation (evidence of), alcohol use, anxiety.

Getting home and showering off the blood and grime was really liberating. Her mind was clear, her purpose known, and her place secure. Even Hux couldn't deny her success. She had worried that getting hit by the turret’s barrage would make her look bad, but they were just impressed. She had been shot six times and barely paused. From their perspective, she was a miracle. 

She was starting to feel like one too.

She was now finished with the training regimen, which left her lots of free time. The next mission wasn't until the following day, so she decided to find Ohn’toh. She hadn't seen him since her first day, and he was the only other person she knew on the base.

Ohn’toh was cleaning up when she arrived. “I can't make anything else today,” he called, “Please come again tomorrow.”

“I don't know if I will have time to come back tomorrow,” she replied.

He dropped what he was doing and spun to face her. “Oh, Elia! I was so worried! I haven't seen or heard from you in so long. I was sure that…”

“Don't worry about me. I'm moving up. I'm officially under Kylo Ren. I don’t know what his rank is, but he is my only direct superior.” She found herself beaming with pride. Kylo had given her “rank” (or lack thereof) after the battle.

Ohn’toh looked horrified for a moment, but regained his composure quickly. “Thank you for your visit, Ma’am.”

“Oh, come on, hon. I'm the same girl you gave an extra set of everything to. Now I'm just stronger and 'battle hardened,'” she joked.

“Oh, thank goodness... Has he been treating you okay?”

Memories of him hurting her flooded her mind, but they were quickly replaced by his efforts to heal her, his compliments, and his concern for her well-being. He wouldn’t hurt her anymore, there was no need. “He can be a little harsh, but I can’t argue with the results.”

He looks at her curiously, brown eyes flashing with something she couldn’t place. “You didn’t seem so keen on him last month.”

“Well he can be kind of an ass, but he is trying his best, under the circumstances. Besides, he is my boss now. It may be a difficult job, but I am good at it, and he helps me as best he can.”

Sadness flashed in his eyes, clear as day.

“Don’t be like that,” she groaned, “I know it isn’t perfect, but what else could I have hoped for? Do you think if I hadn’t had my abilities I would have been allowed to live? He probably wouldn’t have even interrogated me to find out if I was a spy or not. I would have been killed on sight. This is a new and crazy place I have found myself in, and after only a month, I am an apprentice to Kylo Ren! He trusts me. It isn’t ideal, but what better could I hope for?” She realized she was partially saying it to convince herself. She was still a little afraid of him, but there was no need to be, not anymore. Right?

“Of course, Elia. I understand. I’m glad you are doing so well. And it seems I haven’t lost you completely. He can be a bit of an… ass?”

She laughed, wondering how that had come across to him in Basic. “Definitely. He’s kind of… zealous too.”

Ohn’toh’s expression relaxed completely. “Zealous is a good word for it,” he said, laughing with her.

“My uniform is perfect, by the way. Thank you.”

“I’m so glad to hear it! It is made of the same material as everyone else’s, but the back did provide a fun challenge. I am glad it worked out for you.”

“Hey, maybe now that I am not training for fourteen hours a day, do you want to have lunch together sometime?”

“That would be lovely, but do you think Kylo will want you to be fraternizing with a lowly tailor?”

She rolled her eyes. “He is above me, yes, but we are outside of the Order. I should be able to do what I want! Besides, it’s not like you’re the enemy.” Something passed over his face, but she missed its meaning. She chose to ignore it, adding, “I don’t know when I will be free, but I will let you know, alright?”

“That sounds wonderful. And congrats on your promotion. I am glad you have a firm place in the Order.”

“Thank you, me too.” She turned to leave, but Ohn’toh stopped her.

“Hey, actually, do you want to go to the cantina right now?”

“A cantina? Seriously?” She had heard of them, but they were often used by the dregs of society, from what she had read. Why would the base have one?

“Our cantina is more like a canteen plus. It’s the only place on base where we can mix freely, and it’s relaxing”

“I don’t know... I’m not sure if that would be allowed.” Suddenly, consequences seemed very likely. She was definitely still afraid of Kylo, and she didn’t know what he would do.

“We have got to go! You deserve some rest. And he never goes to the cantina.”

“I don’t even have any money. Or, I don’t know how to access any money I might have…” She would need to talk to Kylo about that at some point.

“I’ll cover you this time. I rarely go out, and you can pay me back. I’m sure your salary is more than enough for a few drinks.”

“Fine, fine, you’re right. Besides, who knows when I will be free again? Do we have to go in uniform?”

“Yes, but you can wear your hair down.”

“Perfect,” she said, pulling it free, “Let’s go.”

\---

She didn’t want to hide her abilities, but it was nice to hide her scars for the night. Her dark hair cascaded down her back in gentle waves, almost touching her butt. Even when she had hated her body the most, she had never hated her hair. It felt good to show off.

Ohn’toh led her to the bar, which had a bunch of drinks she had never heard of. He took pity on her and ordered her a brandy. It didn’t taste like brandies back home, but it was good, sweet and smooth. She hadn’t drank alcohol in almost seventy years. This was a new life, and she was determined to live it. Thankfully, alcohol had never really been a problem for her. She didn’t like the feeling of being excessively drunk.

Ohn’toh got something way fancier, glowing and blue. “You aren’t ready for this, honey,” he teased.

“You’re probably right,” she replied, laughing.

They sat and chatted for a while, talking about the Order and battle plans. She didn’t ask him about his past, and he didn’t ask about hers. It was good for both of them, as neither of them wanted to talk about it. She could tell he wasn’t one to reflect on things long since over.

The night progressed, and she found herself getting looser. She felt even better than before, and she had been pretty good. After two alcoholic beverages, she stopped and switched to water.

They had come in pretty early, and the bar started to fill up around 6:30, when dinner was over. The room was full of people with their hair down, but in uniform. It was an interesting sight. She even got hit on by a couple guys, but she politely turned them down. Ohn’toh had shown no interest in her in that way, but she was here with him tonight, and didn’t need or want any other company.

Besides, she had already lived a whole with her husband, her  _ amour _ , Spencer. Who else could compare? Kylo’s face flashed through her mind, and she felt revolted. Not because of the strange thoughts about him that kept popping up; she had accepted those. Kylo Ren was alive and a part of the world she was in, unlike Spencer, but she couldn’t string them together in the same thought. That was unfair to Spencer’s memory.

At around 7, she spotted General Hux. He was chatting amiably with a group of other officers. Seeing him in this environment was weird. He looked less constipated, more genial, and generally less detestable. That didn’t mean she wanted him to see her.

“The General’s here,” she whispered to Ohn’toh, trying to cover her face with her hair.

“So? He isn’t your boss,” Ohn’toh replied. He was a little drunk, but thankfully, he matched her volume.

“He doesn’t like me or my position. He has irritated with my progress since day one, apparently, and he hoped I would fail when I was tested by the Supreme Leader.”

“You met the Supreme Leader?”

She contained her reaction, trying not to alert Ohn’toh of the fear associated with that encounter. Kylo Ren may have been scary occasionally, but his master was always terrifying. Something told her that she should keep these thoughts from Ohn’toh, though. Like what had happened wasn’t reasonable, or that he shouldn’t have the knowledge. “Yeah, he just wanted me to show him what I could do. He signed off on Kylo’s ‘experiment’ or whatever, and now I am a real part of the Order.”

Ohn’toh nodded, and took a sip of his drink. He didn’t seem to be worried for her, and she hoped she could keep hiding it. Something in her realized that this setup wasn’t ideal, especially if she had to hide these horrors from someone who was in the Order, but things would be better now. She had passed all their tests.

“He isn’t looking over here, by the way.” Ohn’toh commented.

“Thank god,” she said, taking a sip of water.

Seeing General Hux kind of ruined the night for her, but she stayed out with Ohn’toh for a bit longer, trying to enjoy herself. Anxiety filled her, though, and she kept worrying that the General’s eyes would find her. She wanted to be defiant, and claim her right to be in the cantina, but everything felt precarious. What power did General Hux have, and could he use it to remove her from her position?

She kept the conversation going as best she could, trying to hide the depth of her fears from her companion. They ended up discussing the Resistance: their efforts, their tactics, and, later on, their ideas. Ohn’toh leaned in and whispered the arguments the rebels had against the Order in hushed tones. She tried to ignore the soundness of their ideals, but she felts some of it clicking with her.

Finally, she said, a little desperately, “Stop, please. I work with a mind reader…”

Ohn’toh immediately stopped, his cheeks coloring. “Please don’t tell him. I am loyal to the Order, I swear.”

“I’m not going to tell him on purpose, but he can usually get any information he wants… I care about you, and I appreciate everything you have done for me. It wouldn’t be fair to repay that with…” She couldn’t finish that thought. The punishment might not be death, but that didn’t mean it would be survivable.

“Thank you,” he sighed, relaxing.

“Of course.”

The conversation fell into a peaceful lull. Elia was content to sip her water and listen to the music.

A few minutes later, though, Ohn’toh couldn’t contain it anymore. “Elia, I should… Well, I mean, I am not… That is, I should tell you… I don’t date.”

“Hmm? Oh, don’t worry. I didn’t assume anything.”

“You have just been turning down men all night… I don’t want you to be doing that on my behalf.”

She leaned back in her chair. “I’m not. Or, well, I’m here with you and it wouldn’t be good to abandon a friend, but also I just… I’m not thinking about that right now. I’ve been married, happily so, and I don’t think I get to find another.”

“Why not?”

“Because I got sixty-three years with him, a whole life, and better than most people get.”

He set down his drink, confusion sliding through his eyes. “I’m sorry, I must have misheard. Sixty-three years? How old are you?”

A laugh burst out of her unexpectedly. That was another reason it would be hard to date. She explained the rest of the ‘perks’ that came with her wings, and he listened with slack-jawed awe. She didn’t say anything more about Spencer, and Ohn’toh didn’t pry.

“So basically, I’m ninety. Really limits my options. Who’s gonna date an old woman?” she giggled.

“There has to be someone, if you want there to be anyway.”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

They wrapped up soon after that. It was getting late (for her) and she had another big operation tomorrow.

As Ohn’toh cleared their tab, she said, “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

“I told you I would,” he said, putting away his credit chip. She would have to get one of those for herself.

They passed General Hux’s group as they walked out, and she saw a familiar shock of black hair. Kylo Ren was sitting with the group of high ranking officials, looking uncomfortable and separate. He was nursing a beverage, but he had barely touched it.

Ohn’toh’s words drifted back to her:  _ He never goes to the cantina. _ Ohn’toh didn’t look at his superior as they picked their way through the crowd, but he was wary of the others. How many people knew what Kylo looked like under the mask? General Hux surely did, but how many others?

She found herself staring at Kylo’s face, trying to put the puzzle together. The idea that no one knew what he looked like made her feel warm, like she had been entrusted with a secret. She didn’t know why it pleased her so much.

Kylo met her gaze suddenly, and a tiny smile graced his normally stern expression. He raised his glass to her and took a sip.


	9. Captured

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elia and Kylo run into some issues with their next objective.
> 
> Tags: Capture, death, The Force (probably) doesn't work like that, Kylo POV, Kylo destroying things, ambush, drugging

Thankfully, Elia wasn’t hungover when she woke up the next morning. She was confused, but not from the drinking. Excitement chased itself down her spine as she realized she got to do a mission today (and see Kylo Ren). She wanted to see more of his face. He would be wearing his mask during, but after? 

It felt weird, and silly, but he was the only one she could be herself with. He didn’t shy away from the painfulness of her reality. (Well, most of it. The conversation with Ohn’toh was still there, but she was working to suppress and forget it.) Even Spencer, whom she still loved, could only take so much at a time. With Kylo, she felt like she could express everything, and he wouldn’t be freaked out. He had already seen it all.

It seemed to come out of nowhere, those feelings, and it was slightly irritating because of what he had done, but she so desperately wanted his approval. She had to succeed today. The barrage of compliments he would occasionally drop on her (more often now) were becoming something to live for in this strange new galaxy.

As she got ready, she pushed all those thoughts aside. There was no need to be distracted for today’s raid (and she didn’t want Kylo to hear).

\---

Unease filled her as the planet slid into view. The whole of it was covered in dense forests. As they got closer she saw that the leaves were wider than a horse from nose to tail, and dark, with purple leaves. The plants themselves were like giant grasses with huge fronds and thick veins. It would make for a great battle environment, if she were from the planet. Since the Order was the invading force, it made her feel uneasy. The foliage would be great for it guerilla attacks and ambushes against them.

Flying would be useless. It would be impossible to see through the dark foliage, especially since the ground was a similar color. She was bound to the earth for this mission, but she released her wings anyway. They had other benefits.

The mission parameters today were similar to the last ones: don’t shoot the stormtroopers and get Kylo to the base. The only difference was the battle plan, which involved grouping tightly together to form a (hopefully) impenetrable ring. They didn’t want any surprises.

She got off the assault lander when it touched down, wary of leaving the group. The soldiers filled in behind her, and Kylo Ren stood at her side.

“Ready?” he asked, probably picking up on her anxiety.

“Definitely,” she replied, bracing herself.

The ‘troopers stood out on the forest floor. The dirt was as dark as the leaves, maybe darker, and a rich brown. Their bright, reflective, white armor was like a beacon. She was thankful for her black wings and grey uniform now more than ever, even as she stood by the obvious soldiers. Kylo was wearing all black, so he melted into the deep shadows the best.

Movement caught her eye as something slipped through the underbrush. She couldn’t see a person, however, and assumed it was some local animal. Then, they attacked. A blaster bolt caught her in the shoulder, and she returned fire, aiming blindly into the veil of leaves. After firing far too many shots, she finally heard something fall with a grunt and a thud.

The body was of a woman, small in stature but a full grown adult. She had covered her body in a paste that mimicked the flora around them. Around her head was something Elia had only seen on her datapad.

“Oh no,” Elia mumbled.

“What is it?” Kylo demanded.

“She’s wearing a neural band. Not only have they camouflaged their bodies, but they have hidden their minds. You won’t be able to find them with the Force.”

Before Kylo could reply, an entire army of camouflaged people appeared out of nowhere. It was difficult to follow them with her eyes. Their disguises were too good. The only time she could see them clearly was against the backdrop of the stormtrooper army.

The ambush had gained the enemy a small advantage, but now that their ploy had been revealed, the Order’s army fought back. Kylo ripped neural bands off of people, trying to discern where the rest could be hiding. ‘Troopers fired with abandon into the concealed contingent and the forest around them. Elia could tell this was going to be a bloody battle. Kylo was undefeatable, but the ‘troopers were dropping.

“We need to get out of the forest and into the compound!” one of the stormtroopers yelled, shooting an enemy in the chest.

“Agreed,” Kylo said.

A shockwave passed over the area, nearly knocking Elia down. All the hidden soldiers were thrown back. Some of the neural bands broke with the impact and many more littered the ground around Kylo’s feet. He sent another burst of power, and those who weren’t unconscious from their flight passed out. For a moment, he looked woozy, but it passed so quickly that she figured she must have imagined it

“All troops return to the transporter. Your armor is useless here, Hux should have known that. She and I will take it from here. Wait for us to return, and be prepared to offer assistance should the need arise.”

The stormtroopers saluted and filed out. Elia thought their absence would make her nervous, but instead she felt alive. Just her and Kylo against the enemy, nothing in their way and no one to stop them.

A grin split her face. “Now, I’m ready.”

“Good.” Kylo’s mask remained expressionless, but she liked to think he was smiling too.

They dove into the obtrusive leaves, running through them at top speed. Her wings were surprisingly effective at clearing the way, so Kylo fell in step behind her.

After an unknown distance, they found themselves in a clearing. Kylo popped out from behind her and sprinted towards the building. It was metal, but covered in plants. It would be covert from the air, but from the ground, it was obviously a military base.

She started to follow, but something bit her neck. She swatted it away. When her hand hit her neck, however, something metal was embedded there. She plucked it out, examining it in the dim light under the leaves. It was a dart.

“Oh fu…” she mumbled, hitting the ground.

\---

Kylo circled the building, examining the entrances and trying to figure out the best one. Most of the doors were too short for Elia to manage with her wings. He was a bit drained from using that huge amount of power to knock everyone out, but he was still strong. One or two bursts of power wouldn’t stop him from achieving his goal.

As he returned to the last spot he had seen Elia in, he noticed that she was gone. He figured she must already be inside. He would have to talk to her about going ahead on missions. He needed to be able to keep track of her. (He worried when he didn’t know where she was.)

Without her wings to worry about, he just went into the first door he came across. The base had far less security than he thought it would, and he cleared room after room with ease. It was so easy, that he went through one room a second time before he realized he had cleared the whole building. Where was the informant then?

He circled back and started digging for some information. (He probably should have read the mission packet, but he usually garnered the information he needed from the enemies around him. He had not been prepared for neural bands.)

After some old fashioned (and time consuming and boring) research, he found a document on someone’s desk. The Resistance base on Josdan had managed to send it over before he had taken it with Elia.

__ Base compromised.   
__ Kylo Ren is fierce and has a new human weapon.   
__ We are lost.   
_ He knows.   
_ __ He is coming for you.

They got off a warning message! His lightsaber ignited, and he destroyed the desk in a flurry of sparks. When it was nothing but a heated pile of slag, he started carving his anger into the walls. By the time he was finished, the room was glowing from the melting metal. He sure hoped Elia hadn’t seen that.

Elia?

He searched the entire base once more, but she wasn’t there. He realized she hadn’t been there the entire time. He had been so caught up in the fight that he had missed her absence completely. As he continued through room after empty room, he dragged his lightsaber through the walls. How could he have lost her?

She wasn’t in the base, that was clear. He left through the door he had come in from and started looking. The Force projected out of him, searching for her unique mind, but there was no response.

She couldn’t be dead, could she?

He went to the copse he had left her at, looking for clues. A small metal dart tube lay on the ground, next to shallow furrows in the dirt. They had dragged her away.

He followed to drag marks to where they stopped. There was nothing there. They must have taken her aboard a vehicle of some kind. With her unconscious and them wearing neural bands, it would be impossible to find them with the Force.

The leaves around him curled and burned as he slashed an angry hole through them. English had a good curse for this situation: “Fuck” this planet. “Fuck” everything honestly. He couldn’t believe he had lost his greatest weapon to some camouflaged “assholes.” (He couldn’t believe he had lost her…)

He stormed through the brush, hoping to find her by some luck. Maybe she would wake up and call out to him. Maybe he would find the base by sound. He had to find her though. They couldn’t let someone with that many secrets, especially someone so new to the Order, be in enemy hands.

(Would they torture her? Would they make her tell them everything? If Snoke heard that she had given away secrets, she would be killed… He couldn’t bear that thought.)

Dread filled him as he wandered through the underbrush. Sending the ‘troopers off had probably been a bad idea, in hindsight. They would have seen her fall, or they would have seen the ambusher. They would have done something.  _ How could you have missed her being captured?! She is vital to everything!  _ He cursed himself under his breath, crushing every leaf he found beneath his black boots.


	10. Imprisoned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elia doesn't want to be the resistance's prisoner, so she formulates a haphazard plan.
> 
> Tags: Violence, gun shot, blaster shot, injury, manipulation, espionage, "espionage" in huge sarcasm quotes, new character POV, the plot thickens

_ Kylo? _

With a gasp, she jolted awake. Her mind was still a little fuzzy, and she had no idea where she was. The room revealed little to her. It was a cell of some kind, with strong metal bars along one wall of a metal room. She wished for the sandy, earthen compound of the last mission. It would have been easy to escape from. There was no way she could break out of here by brute strength.

The wooziness clung to her mind, and she had several injuries from the battle. She decided to pull back in her wings to heal, to see if that could work to her advantage. She curled up on the floor and started the transformation.

A guard noticed her efforts and came to check on her. He was human, male, and gangly, like he had grown too much too fast. He looked young, too.

She let her face show the extreme pain she was going through, and even added some cries of pain. Her body twitched, and she rolled so he could witness the horror of it all. She had never seen the process, but, from what she had heard, it was gruesome.

As it finished, and she lay there moaning, the guard asked, “Are you alright, ma’am?”

“No!” she lied, “Please, you have to help me.” She crawled towards him, causing him to jump back. “Kylo Ren did something to me, something… awful.” She shuddered for effect.

The guard’s eyes widened. “Ren did that to you?”

“Yes,” she grunted, “It’s a serum, or something, I don’t know. It’s wearing off now. Please, help…” She let herself collapse to the ground. “Ah! Please! It hurts!”

“I… I can’t. I am just supposed to watch you.” He turned around, trying to ignore her.

She groaned in frustration (and hoped he would take it as pain). He didn’t turn back, though. He just stiffened, clearly unhappy about her suffering. Another kernel of doubt was planted. She knew for a fact the Order didn’t care about its prisoners this much (or at all).

She pretended that pain was still tormenting her (though she felt fine), groaning when she moved, allowing her breath to catch, and letting out low whines on occasion. She tried not to overdo it, or make it looked faked, but it seemed to be working. Thankfully, she had a great grasp on what agony felt like.

After sometime, another man came into the room. He was short but strong looking, tan, with shoulder length hair, which surprised her. The dress code seemed to go unenforced here, or the standards were just different. She thought he was a new guard, but the first guard didn’t leave.

“Hello, there. My name is Yuron. What’s yours?”

She “forced” herself to sit and face him, but let her body hunch, wrapping her arms around her middle.

“Lena.” she managed.

“You’re saying that Ren made you have those wings?”

She let herself cringe at the sound of his name. “H-H-He d-did some k-kind of experiment on m-me,” she stammered, “P-please. I need a medpac.” She tried to make herself look as pitiful and weak as possible.

“Of course, of course. Let us show you that the Resistance fights for good, that it  _ is _ good. We aren’t going to torture you, but we would love if you could help us out with some information.”

“I would be happy to share everything with you, but I need to heal first,” she lied.

Yuron came to the edge of her cage, and held a medpac out for her, through the bars.

Perfect.

She crawled towards him, slowly, until she was close enough. Then, she shot up, grabbing his arm with hers and pulling him into the bars with all her strength. Dazed, he dropped the medpac. She slammed his body into the bars again, and he went unconscious. Her hands trailed across his body, trying to find the keys to the cell, but he didn’t have them. She grabbed his gun instead, using his body as a shield.

“Open the door, now!” she demanded, pointing the gun at the boy guard.

He looked absolutely terrified, but he shook his head.

“Open the  _ fucking _ door!”

“No!” he yelled, voice cracking, “I won’t do it! If you kill me, you’ll be stuck in there, and you’ll lose amnesty!”

“Fuck amnesty,” she growled, pushing Yuron towards the guard.

The guard dropped his gun, trying to catch the other man. He missed, and Yuron hit his head pretty hard.

Elia had other things to worry about. She pointed the gun at the lock and fired off a round. The damn metal was blaster-proof. A string of terrible curses sprayed from her lips, and she pointed the gun at the guard again.

“I don’t need to kill you right away,” she hissed, “I can kill you really slowly, even from here.”

“I d-d-don’t c-care,” he stuttered, clearly terrified.

“You don’t even need to give me to keys,” she cooed, “Just tell me how to get out.”

“I don’t know another way out.”

He wasn’t lying. Dammit. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and focused. Her wings probably wouldn’t be strong enough to tear through metal. Would the whole room be blaster-proof? Probably, but it wouldn’t hurt to try. Maybe-

Her train of thought was cut off by a shot grazing her waist. Her eyes flew open in a fury, and she shot him in the arm, making him drop his gun again. “What the fuck?!” she shrieked.

Tears rolled down his face, and she realized he might not have been shot before. She aimed the gun at his other arm. “Toss me the keys.” Her voice was scary calm, and he started shaking.

“N-n-no,” he sobbed.

Her conscience was starting to prickle in the back of her mind. How old was this poor boy? She started to notice his features, and it irked her. He was too young to murder. “If you let me out, I swear on my husband’s grave that I won’t hurt you anymore.”

“I c-can’t,” he whimpered.

“I won’t tell anyone, I promise. But I am going to escape, one way or another. Wouldn’t you prefer me to just leave with you with this medpac, so you can care for yourself and Yuron?”

His resolve was weakening, she could tell, but he shook his head.

She shot him in his other arm. He let out a cry of pain, and a fresh wave of tears poured down his cheeks.

“Okay! Okay! I- I’ll…” He sputtered to a stop, but tossed her the keys.

She unlocked the door eagerly, and slipped out of the cage. The poor guard cowered in the corner, clearly worried she wasn’t going to hold up her end of the deal. She strode over to him, gun raised, making him tremble even more.

“Now, I’m gonna take your gun now, and I’m going to lock you in the cell, but don’t worry, okay? I will leave the keys with Yuron, who should wake up eventually. Now go in the cell, alright? I even left the medpac in there for you.”

He shuffled toward the cell door, carefully stepping over the unconscious Yuron. When he was inside, she closed the door with a bang.

“Thank you for your cooperation and your gun,” she said, locking the door.

She gently set the keys in Yuron’s palm, checking to make sure he was, indeed, still alive. He had a steady heartbeat, which was good for the kid. After a second of thought, she injected him with a low level medpac she found in the medkit. He wouldn’t wake up immediately, but he would heal enough to wake at all. While she was at it, she used one on herself. An injured woman would look out of place wandering through the base.

“If you come after me, I will kill you!” she called, before she left the room.

Once outside, she decided stealth might be best for this mission. She didn’t know how many people were in this facility, and she didn’t want to find out by dying. The other base must have been a decoy, as there had been no outward defenses. This was probably the real base. . In fact, the Order had probably been fed false information to lure them into a trap.

She crept through the base until she found a supply cabinet. Luckily, the area around the detention center was pretty empty, and there were extra uniforms in there, as well as guns, vibroblades, and other weapons. She found a uniform, as close to her actual size as she could get, and slid it on. It sat strangely with her Order uniform underneath, and it was a bit tight on her broad shoulders, yet loose around her middle. It was the best she could do in that moment. She just prayed that no one asked for ID.

She fixed her hair into a neat ponytail (professional, but less so than a bun) and started to wander through the base. Everything was more lax here. People with too long hair, with hair loose, and some not even in uniform! She was surprised by how revolted she was by the sloppiness. It had never mattered to her before.

People gave her funny looks as she meandered through the base. She tried to look like she had a task assigned to her, but her goal was to get the information Kylo needed. It was a little difficult to figure out how to get the information, since she didn’t know what it was, but she would figure something out.

The file room was open and empty when she walked by it. It felt like a trap, so she entered cautiously. Nothing happened. A file had already been pulled out, and it was labeled “The Search.” She flipped it open, carefully.

The file was filled with all the decoy plans the Resistance had used against the Order, including the most recent deceptions. The man (unnamed in the file) who Kylo was looking for was long gone. His location was unknown, as he hadn’t entered it into the nav system until he was light years away from the planet. This had been a purposeful dead-end, but she couldn’t understand why. Many people had died, needlessly. Why hadn’t the Resistance just abandoned this base?

She hid the file between her two uniforms and slipped out of the file room. There was no interference as she strode through the halls, blindly trying to find the way out. It became suspicious to her that no one tried to identify her. The organization was lax, but surely someone would be dubious of her presence.

The hallways bled together, one looking identical to another and the next. It reminded her of being in the  _ Finalizer _ at the beginning. She had eventually learned her way around base, but, with the exception of her sector, the whole base looked identical to her.

Finally, she came upon a door with two guards and a card reader. The door had a card reader! How was she going to get a card? She started to turn around, when one of the guards called out to her.

“Hey, where are you going?”

She froze in place. “Um, I forgot my card, I have to go get it.”

“Don’t worry. Card reader is down anyway. We’ll just let you out manually.”

Really? This was too easy. She faced the two guards. “Wow, thanks. That’s really cool of you.”

“No problem.’ He gave her a friendly smile and pushed a button.

The door slid open and she stepped out into a clearing. The huge leaves dominated her field of view, but the sun was up. She was free? She was free!

Her first instinct was to release her wings and tear into the sky, but they could still see her. She casually walked into the forest, trying to keep her pace and stance normal.

When she was hidden by the giant fronds, she started running into the forest.  _ Kylo! Kylo! I’m here! _ She screamed the thought as loud as she could, trying to get his attention. Hopefully, he would find her soon.

\---

Kasyda Orvay watched the security tapes with pride. The winged woman gave her some hope. Poor thing must have been really out of it, though. How could she not have assumed that there would be cameras in the brig? How could she think they were oblivious to her movements around the base? She wasn’t particularly good at espionage, but Kasyda guessed that a woman with huge wings wouldn’t be.

Kasyda had been surprised that the Order’s secret weapon, trained by Kylo Ren no less, hadn’t killed everyone in the base (or at least tried). She had been about to send soldiers into the prison room when the winged girl grabbed Yuron, but she didn’t fire. Kasyda was sure it was just so she could eventually get the keys, but Yuron and the boy, Eiran, had been left alone. A little injured, but alive.

She had given the order to let the girl find what she needed and leave. Kylo had already found out the same information in the other base (though with one percent casualties for the Resistance there), so the file didn’t matter. What mattered was letting her see. The shock of it all had already gotten to her. Kasyda had seen it in her face.

From this chance encounter, they had learned a lot. Hopefully, they would eventually be able to drive a wedge between the secret weapon and Kylo. She wasn’t as murderous as Kylo, and her conscience still spoke to her. She could be saved. Kasyda didn’t expect her to join the Resistance, but leaving the Order would be enough.


	11. Giving In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elia and Kylo connect.
> 
> Tags: Escape, reunion, neither one has any patience for long term tension, training, sword training, vibroblades = daggers, vibrosword = sword, blood, minor injury, sex, rough sex, biting, scratching, pounding, sex on the floor, lust

Elia stopped running once she felt she was far enough from the Resistance base. It would be silly if she ran right past Kylo in the dense shrubbery. She stayed where she was, and called out his name with her mind. There was no neural band on her, so where was he? He hadn’t left the planet without her? Right? 

Had he left her?

A rustling in the bush reminded her that she was in enemy territory. She felt weird about the compound escape, and they could notice her absence from the jail at any time. She was debating whether or not to move when a figure stepped out of the foliage. They were dark, blending seamlessly into the leaves. Another ambush?

She started to back away, but Kylo’s voice stopped her. “Elia?”

“Kylo?!”

“I found you! Fuck, I was so worried!” He said in English.

_ Yeah, worried about your secret weapon being co-opted by the Resistance _ , she thought bitterly.

Kylo sprinted, closing the gap between them, and threw his arms around her. She stiffened for a moment before accepting it, wrapping her arms around him. It had been so long since she been touched by another person, let alone held. She couldn’t help but melt a little in his embrace. (She felt like she might burst into tears, but that feeling was quickly squashed.)

He pulled away suddenly. She blushed. Her thoughts and face were betraying her in tandem. She couldn’t explain why she was so happy to see him, to watch him lose a little control by hugging her, but delight filled her. The whole ordeal was becoming much more manageable.

He pressed his palms into his mask. Her eyes widened. This is what she had been hoping for, but she didn’t think it had been a surface thought. Since Kylo had come into her life, she had spent a lot of time wrestling those inappropriate thoughts into a corner, so they wouldn’t be streamed directly into his brain.

The mask came off with a hiss, and his face was a mix of relief and fury. “Are you alright? Did they hurt you?” He scanned her body, eyes darting back and forth.

“No, they were… nice. It was a weird experience. I did get shot, but I’m fine.” She explained the whole situation to him as best she could.

“I’m so glad you made it out alive.” He caressed her cheek with one gloved hand. His face was so close to hers, and their eyes met. A spark of something passed through her.

He pulled away. “We should get back to the AAL,” he mumbled.

“Y-yeah.”

She started to remove her stolen Resistance uniform. His eyes bulged for a moment, but when he saw her Order uniform was on underneath, he relaxed. (Was he afraid that she was naked underneath it? Did he want to see her naked?) She handed him the file she had stolen from the compound. “This is all the information I could find,” she muttered.

He took the file and started leafing through the papers, eyes scanning each page. “I found information like this at the other base, but this confirms it. Impressive work.”

“How are we going to find this guy?” she asked.

“We’ll find a way.” His expression hardened with determination and anger. His mask had hit the ground when he took it off. He picked it up and put it back on, before leading her through the grasses.

\---

The second mission was deemed a success. Though she had been captured, it wasn’t considered her fault, and her speedy and efficient escape more than made up for it. Their conversation with General Hux about it did nothing but stroke her ego. Even he couldn’t find fault in her now. He still didn’t like her, but he could no longer deny her usefulness.

It felt strangely hollow though. She didn’t care about Hux’s praise. She didn’t need Kylo’s either, but that moment in the leafy jungle kept replaying in her mind. Kylo’s brown eyes, his lips, his nose, all a breath away from her own. Why hadn’t she closed the gap? Why hadn’t he? Why had she wanted that gap closed?

She decided to go to the training room to help clear her mind with some exercise. As far as she was aware, it was still hers, and there was no way she could face Ohn’toh with these emotions in her head. He would never understand them. She didn’t understand them, and they were happening to her. How did she not hate Kylo? How had her hatred for him turned into this?

After a quick wash and uniform change, she was on her way. It had only been a few days since she had last gone to the room, but it felt like so much longer. So much had happened to her since that day. It was hard to believe it. How many miles had she flown? How many new plants had she seen? (How many people had she killed?) She shook her head. No need to think about that.

The training room looked the same as when she had left it. Thinking back to that time was strange. She had been so furious with Kylo, and rightly so, but after seeing what his life was like, it made more sense. She didn’t appreciate his methods, but it could have been worse. Hux could have been put in charge of her training. Or Snoke.

She didn’t know what she had expected to do once she went there. All the training equipment felt like child’s play after the real battles she had been in. The best she could come up with was to pick up some vibroblades and practice her form with them. Blasters were far more common, but her first mission had showed they wouldn’t always be ideal. She didn’t feel lacking in any other area of battle.

The vibroblades in the training room were real, just like the blasters. She could see the sharp edges gleaming in the light. She took two and got into a fighting stance, one blade pointed back with the blade out, and one across her torso for attack and defense.

After only a few minutes of fighting the air, the door whooshed open. She was so startled that she dropped both daggers. No one had ever opened the door while she was in here. Even when Kylo had been watching her, she hadn’t heard the door open.

“Fighting against an opponent is better practice,” Kylo said, walking into the room.

The breath she had been holding released itself. “I know, but I don’t know anyone I can practice with.”

“Yes you do.” He yanked off his half cape and let it drop to the floor. His mask came off next, but he set that carefully on a weighted sack.

“I didn’t think I could ask you…”

“I admire you trying to improve your skills without being told, and you chose the right weapon to practice with. I want you to get better. I want you to be the best. Who better to fight against than me?”

She bent down and picked up the vibroblades. “Are you asking me to fight with you? That went really well for us both last time.”

He picked up an extra-long vibrosword and spun it around his body. “A ‘normal’ fight then? No lightsaber, no Force, and no wings? Deal?”

She twirled the daggers in her hand, getting a feel for their weight. “Deal.” Maybe she would have an advantage? A metal blade had a much different feel than a laser blade, right? She fell into her stance, and waited for him to attack.

Kylo was rash as always, and came at her full speed. She dodged his attack easily, by moving to the side, but he flipped around and attacked her back. The vibrating metal shocked her forward, and she managed to escape without being harmed.

“Don’t get cocky,” he said. His tone was almost teasing, and it made her grin.

“You’re one to talk.”

She brought the dagger down on his blade. He blocked it with ease, but it freed her to stab at his now exposed belly. He pushed his sword up, knocking the dagger away, and blocked her second blade.

She grumbled. This was harder than she had thought. Falling back into fighting stance, she dared him to attack her with her mind. He immediately threw back his sword and started to bring it down. She rolled away, managing to kick his leg. She landed the roll on her knees, making her a smaller target. He stumbled back and glared at her.

“You said no Force, but you are hearing my plans.” She shrugged. “I gotta do what I can.”

“I can’t help that. It just happens.”

“Maybe you need to learn how to control yourself,” she said, swiping at him while he was distracted. She managed to clip his side, and a few drops of blood oozed over the parted fabric. “Oh shit! Sorry!”

His sword grazed her shoulder, and she felt the blood well. “We are fighting with real swords, so we fight with real wounds.”

She knew there was a cache of medpacs in the room, so she wasn’t worried. “Alright then. I won’t hold back.” She stood and flourished her daggers.

His eyes narrowed. “Neither will I.”

As she flew at him, she realized she had been holding back, for fear of hurting him. Her daggers met his sword, and he was pushed back slightly. He had been holding back too, however, and he put his full strength behind his sword. She lost the inch she had gained. She kicked his leg, and he fell back.

He pulled his sword away and twisted out of her dagger’s reach. She fell forward, just barely managing to catch herself with her arms. The vibrosword was coming at her back, fast, so she rolled over, barely catching it between her daggers in time. Lying on the ground, she gripped the sword between the vibroblades and kicked up, launching the huge blade from his hands. She dropped her daggers to the side, tired but victorious.

She hadn’t realized how much weight he had put into that sword until he collapsed on top of her. She had been supporting him, and with the daggers gone, he couldn’t catch himself.  Thankfully the vibroblades weren’t still between them, or it would have been bloody. They ended up in a heap, with his face in her chest. She was blushing immediately, but she couldn’t see his face through his hair.

He pushed himself up with his arms, and their eyes met for a moment before he looked away. He was embarrassed too, though she wasn’t sure why.

Without a thought, she grabbed a bundle of his robes and pulled his face towards hers. Their lips met, and the sparks flew throughout her entire body.

He hesitated for a moment, but slid closer to her, deepening the kiss. She could feel his growing erection, and realized that must have been why he was embarrassed. She dropped his shirt and tangled her fingers in his hair. He pulled hair free of her bun, letting it fan out beneath her.

“You’re beautiful,” he murmured into her lips.

“You too.”

They were pressed together, separated only by his robes and her ridiculous uniform. She wanted to strip. It had been so long since she had had sex. The desire was chasing all common sense from her mind. She wanted it. She wanted  _ him. _

He lifted her body from the ground, not breaking the kiss, and started to pull off her uniform. She was happy to help, shedding the layers like skin. Her hair tickled the naked skin of her back. Her chest was bare, and her breasts caught his gaze. He eyed them hungrily.

She tugged impatiently at the quilted vest top he wore, and it was gone in a moment. His chest exposed, she could see the muscles she had been fighting with. The soft fabric hid the strongman physique underneath. Her breath caught for a moment, and her fingers traced down his pecs.

He took that as an invitation, and gently cupped one of her breasts, brushing his thumb across her nipple. She was surprised to find the soft warmth of his hand rather than the glove, and she moaned despite herself. Her breasts had always been sensitive.

A devilish grin spread across his face, and he guided her to the ground. As soon as her back touched the floor, his face was buried in her chest. Soft kisses, teasing licks, and gentle nips exploded across her breasts. The sensation was wonderful, and she was getting wet.

He paused for a moment, long enough to rip off the rest of her uniform and his pants. As he resumed his explorations of her body, he pressed himself against her, before sliding inside carefully. Once he reached the base of his cock, he began to thrust with abandon, knowing that he would fit.

After a few strokes, he lifted her body up, repositioning her just so, until he was slamming right into her g-spot. She gasped and grabbed onto his torso for support. She could feel herself scratching furrows into his skin, but this only encouraged him. He fucked her harder, causing her to cry out.

He started biting her, sinking his teeth into her a little harder each time. She scratched his back harder in response, her fingers needing an outlet for all the sensations. She was getting closer. Her pleas and cries were pouring out of her in every language. Kylo could only understand two of the four, but he seemed to appreciate that he was doing this to her.

He finished with a grunt, filling her to the brim. He didn’t stop thrusting though, and, after a several more strokes, she reached her peak, shaking with the power of it. It hadn’t required much effort on his part, because she hadn’t even masturbated in a long time. She hadn’t realized how badly she had wanted, no,  _ needed  _ sex until that moment, as her orgasm coursed through her.

His head was buried in her chest again as he recovered from his own orgasm. She wondered how long it had been for him. She remembered him saying, “It’s lonely at the top.” How long had he been there?

She found herself absent-mindedly stroking his hair with her hand, a soothing gesture for both of them (hopefully). Her mind was fuzzy from the orgasm, and she let herself enjoy that while it lasted.

This was not how she had expected this night to go,

Suddenly, it hit her. She had sex with Kylo Ren. She had fucked  _ Kylo Ren. _ She wasn’t sure how to feel about that. It had been great sex, but Kylo Ren? Now that the apparent horniess was fading, she felt a little weird about it.

Kylo sat up suddenly. “Well, uh, now that we have, um…”

“I’m sorry, Kylo! I didn’t mean it like that. I just… I tried to kill you only a few days ago and… Besides, we can’t be distracting each other.”

He cleared his throat. “Yes, of course not.”

She let out a deep sigh of relief. They were mostly on the same page.

“I’ll, uh, I’ll let you know where the next mission is. We need to do some interrogating. Expect a few days off, but don’t get soft.”

“Yes, sir,” she said, saluting him while still naked and on the ground.

Something mischievous crossed his face. “At ease, apprentice.”

She relaxed her back into her partially supine pose, and she couldn’t miss the devious grin that appeared on his face as he left room.

Though she was confused about the whole situation, she didn’t quite regret it. She had wanted to fuck him, and there was nothing wrong with that. (Okay, maybe there were a few things wrong with that, but she couldn’t bring herself to care.) Even as the afterglow faded, she realized she was fine with it. Happy even. Satisfied. She wouldn’t need to do it again. (Right?)

She gathered her clothes and headed to her room for another shower, trying to ignore the images that played through her mind. (They were all about Kylo: him naked, him fucking her in different ways, his face between her legs, but she pretended that they weren’t. Or at least she tried.)

She would need to start masturbating more often.


	12. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elia and Kylo have to come to terms with what happened and what it could mean.
> 
> Tags: Kylo Ren POV, POV switch, injuries from sex, bruises, scratches, manipulation, drinking and alcohol mention, creeper, creeper at a bar, creepy guy, male entitlement, small fight scene, the Force.

Kylo was distraught. He had never been good at controlling his emotions, but somehow, it had gotten even worse. He hadn’t really been distracted by her (consciously) before, but now thought of her were interjecting themselves all the time. Every time he moved, the scratches on his back would shift under the fabric, reminding him of what they had done together (what he so desperately wanted to do again).

He had known about her internal struggle regarding her fascination and disgust with him. He had played on it. He had been using it to his advantage since after their first battle, but now it was plaguing him too. He found himself looking forward to the next mission, not for the mission itself, but for the opportunity (excuse) to spend time with her.

He knew she was training, flying around the room to drive everything down and out of her mind. He walked by the training room a few times, but could not go in. Even if she was interested in doing it again, there was no way he could. She would become a distraction (more of one). He had an objective to complete, and he was no closer than he had been months ago. Leads kept slipping through his grasp or purposefully eluding him. It was infuriating.

(He wanted to fuck that fury into her soft body.)

He shook his head to clear his thoughts and paced irritably. What else could he do?

\---

The next morning, she woke up feeling swollen. Her whole body was sensitive in the best possible way. She stretched and felt the many sex/battle aches and pains. She felt wonderful, and it turned her on a little bit.

After a quick masturbation session (during which she did  **not** think about Kylo, not even once!), she put on her uniform and went to the training room. The soreness felt nice, but it would definitely interfere with her ability to work (and if Ohn’toh saw her like this, he would know). There were bruises chasing their way up her neck, hand prints on her hips, and her insides were a bit tender.

Releasing her wings was a huge relief. After the initial pain, the healing that coursed through her body made everything easier. She was still a little sore, and the worst bruises were still visible, but it was much more manageable.

As she flew laps around the room, her eyes kept drawing to that spot on the floor. She was more distracted now than she had been before, she realized. She felt like an idiot, so she flew harder. She didn’t have any feelings for Kylo except lust, but it was a powerful drive.

She had woken up a little late, around 8, so she flew through lunch and into dinner before she realized she hadn’t eaten all day. The restless energy that jittered through her was still there, but she didn’t know when else she could get food. She landed and pulled back her wings (which helped remove the last visible traces of the night before), before going to the mess hall to eat.

After her meal, she decided to keep flying instead of visiting Ohn’toh. She was so needy (and horny) that it was embarrassing. She masturbated on the floor on the training room a few times, trying to release some of that pent up need she had been ignoring for years, but it didn’t completely work. She ended up flying until really late, just after midnight.

When she got home, she was jittery but exhausted. After a quick shower, she immediately fell into a restless sleep.

It was another full day of flying before she felt comfortable visiting Ohn’toh. After a second night’s sleep and some good, old-fashioned suppression, however, she was right as rain. It had clearly been a mistake to sleep with Kylo, not for the sex itself, but for the idea that once would be enough. She had been keeping a lid on her sexual desires for more than a decade. (Spencer had not wanted to have sex once he got to a certain age. He was so much older looking than her. It made him self-conscious.) It was quite a thing to unleash. Thankfully, she had some practice burying her urges.

After all the shifting back and forth, her wounds were completely gone. She went to Ohn’toh’s shop feeling confident that she could hide the shameful thing she had done. She had a feeling that Ohn’toh  _ really _ didn’t like Kylo Ren, more than even her when she had tried to kill him. He would not appreciate her sleeping with Kylo. He was the real reason she felt any shame about the whole thing, but not too much. The sex was good, and it was just the one time. Nothing wrong with that. (Right?)

“Hey, Elia!” Ohn’toh greeted her with a hug, which she was all too happy to return. The hug was much less needy than the one Kylo had given her in the forest of grasses.

“Hey, Ohn’toh! It’s lovely to see you.” They separated and she gave him a smile.

“How did that mission go? The one to Yujanis?”

“Yujanis? Was that the planet’s name?”

Guilt and worry passed over his face, but she couldn’t understand why. “Yeah, it was… I saw it on some documents. You didn’t know?”

“Nah. They don’t tell me these things. They just drop me in, point me in the right direction, and I shoot.” Saying it out loud made it feel a little less reasonable, but she tried not to share that with Ohn’toh.

He didn’t seem to like her response either, but he gathered himself after a few moments, and said, “What can I do for you?”

“I have some time off, so I thought I would bother you. Not to be weird, but you are the only other person I know on the base, besides Kylo and Hux.” She couldn’t help but make a face as she said Hux’s name. Kylo wasn’t perfect, but he wasn’t sadistic.

Ohn’toh couldn’t help but smile at her disgust. “I’m honored, truly. I mean, a beautiful, high-ranking woman has deigned to spend her precious time with me.”

“Oh my god, Ohn’toh. My time is barely precious. If I am not on a mission, I am really just flying in circles or training, but training after real battle seems like a true waste of my time. Nothing prepares you for real bloodshed.”

“I know what you mean,” he murmured. Before she could ask what he meant by that, he said, “Cantina?”

“Oh, Ohn’toh, if that is the only fun thing you can think of, I am worried for you. Are you an alcoholic?” she teased

He scoffed, “There is literally nothing else to do on the base. Unless you want to sit in the empty canteen and talk there instead?”

“Fair enough. Just don’t let Hux see me. I know Kylo is fine with it, but Hux might raise a stink just because.”

“Because he’s an ‘ass?’” Ohn’toh asked.

“I can think of a few choice words, but ass is also good. I don’t know any good swears in Basic. I think when I swear it is just English.”

“Yeah, I’ve never heard the word ‘ass’ before. What does it mean?”

Elia laughed. “Oh, how to explain it…”

They walked to the cantina together, exchanging swear words. She made sure to remind him that, though English swear words wouldn’t be understood by most people on base, Kylo would understand them all.

\---

The cantina was more packed than it had been the previous time. It took them fifteen minutes to get their drinks. She decided to be adventurous that night, and asked Ohn’toh to surprise her with something interesting. She was able to pay, after discovering her credit chip had been included with her datapad and comm (something she found when looking for the chip). It was a little embarrassing, but at least she could pay Ohn’toh back. Her salary was completely ludicrous when compared to how much the alcohol cost. She didn’t know if that was Kylo’s doing, or just because of the position.

They managed to find a seat when a small group of people suddenly finished their drinks and hurried out of her way, tossing fearful glances her way as they went.

“That was weird…” she commented.

“You should hear what the gossip mill says about you,” Ohn’toh replied.

She looked at him expectantly.

After a few uneasy moments, he finally said, “Don’t get mad, alright? These are things that I hear. I don’t spread them.”

“I won’t get mad, promise.”

He still hesitated for a moment. “They say that you were hit by a blaster turret six times and barely paused. You killed so many resistance soldiers so fast that the ‘troopers were left with nothing to do. Some say you were captured and taken into a heavily guarded compound, and you managed to escape with only one injury.”

She sipped her drink awkwardly. “Uh… Those things are all true…”

His eyes widened slightly, and he took a big gulp of his drink, before leaning in closer. “There is another rumor… The most dangerous. They say that Kylo Ren cares about you. Everyone is afraid of your wrath, because they think it would secretly be his.”

She wrestled her emotions, trying to bury them before he could see her face. “There is no way that one is true,” she said, “Kylo only cares about me as a secret weapon. I don’t think he even really sees me as a person sometimes.”

She might have believed what she was saying a few days ago, but after some recent events, she had her doubts. She was sure it had started out that way, but something had made him see her as a person. Whether he actually cared was still up in the air for her, but some part of her knew she was more than a tool, at least now.

Ohn’toh shrugged, oblivious to her internal debate. “That’s just what I hear. I think that is why people are afraid.”

“That’s ridiculous. Do they think I am going to run and tattle on them? I can fight them myself, if I need to.”

Ohn’toh laughed. “That doesn’t make you less scary, sweetheart.”

She burst out laughing too. “Holy shit, you’re right! Oops. I don’t mean to be scary, but I would rather them be afraid of me than of what Kylo might do on my behalf. There are no guarantees there.”

Ohn’toh started to reply, but Hux and his posse of officers strolled in. Kylo was there again, for some reason. He didn’t seem like the type to go out to a cantina, and definitely not with Hux. Why did he go along? She hid behind her hair again, irritated. She was honestly having a lot of fun chatting before Hux came in. Why did he hate her so much?

“I see that Hux is here,” Ohn’toh muttered, “Why don’t you leave when he gets here?”

She straightened her shoulders, though she still hid behind the curtain of waves. “I shouldn’t have to leave a public meeting place just because he has it in for me. I’m not going to draw attention to myself, but I am not going to run either.”

“See, now that’s what scares people: stubbornness,” he joked.

She felt herself relaxing by degrees. She was there to have fun. Besides, drinking at the cantina wasn’t the worst thing she had done recently.

As they resumed their casual conversation, Elia felt eyes on her. She peeked at the officer group through the strands of hair, but Kylo wasn’t looking at her, neither was Hux.

Ohn’toh supplied the answer with, “That guy over there is checking you out.” He pointed him out.

She turned and saw a medium ranking man hovering on the fringes of the cantina. He was staring right at her, and not in a good way. Her brain went wild with the clangor of alarms. This would not be good. “Meh, not my type,” she lied. She didn’t want to reveal how she was really feeling about this man.

For Kylo’s sake, she thought,  _ Don’t worry, I’ve got this. Don’t break whatever cover you have for me, if you were planning on it.  _ She didn’t know if Kylo would care, but it would be better to have him chastise her for assuming he would help, rather than have a dead Order member and his disguise lost. She peeked at Kylo again, and saw he was stiff, clutching his untouched drink with white knuckles. That wasn’t a good sign. He could see into this man’s head, and clearly it wasn’t pretty.

She did her best to ignore the man’s intense stare, conversing with Ohn’toh a little too enthusiastically. Maybe if she was clearly with someone else, the creeper would leave her alone. Ohn’toh was blissfully oblivious to the situation, until the man walked up to her.

“Hey there. I don’t think I’ve seen you around the base before. Name’s Jakyl,” he interrupted, cutting Ohn’toh off in mid-sentence.

“Nice to meet you,” Elia lied, “but I’m kind of in the middle of something here? Maybe another time?”

“I know you aren’t with this guy. You aren’t with anyone, but you could be with me.” Jakyl winked at her and inserted himself between her and Ohn’toh.

“I’m having a nice evening with my friend. I am not going to ditch him. Please leave,” she said firmly.

“Come on, I know you are a ‘strong’ woman, but strong women want to be tamed.”

She stood, forcing Jakyl back a step. “I am asking you to leave. Are you refusing a direct order?”

“It doesn’t count as a direct order. Your “rank” is a farce, and everyone knows it. Besides, Ren isn’t here to save you.”

Her first instinct was to punch him, but she held back, worrying about the ramifications. Hux was probably already looking over to see what the ruckus was. It wouldn’t do to kick this guy’s ass.

_ Go ahead,  _ a familiar voice whispered in her mind,  _ He deserves it, and I will help with any fallout. _

Kylo, she realized, sending messages to her mind. It was a little weird, but helpful. She beamed internally, but kept her face stern.

“I don’t need Kylo Ren to save me,” she growled, “I can kick your ass myself.” She stood straight and tall, letting her height and muscles show. He was taller, but he had clearly never been in a real battle.

“There’s no need for that, sweetheart. I’m just trying to have a conversation.”

“Thank you, but I am not interested.” She stepped forward, forcing him back a bit more, then turned to sit back down.

He grabbed her arm, and she didn’t even think. Her reflexes (and fear of men) kicked in. She twisted out of his grasp and swept his legs out from under him in one motion. He hit the ground with a satisfying thud and a grunt.

“Anyway,” she said, going to sit back down.

“Are you okay?” Ohn’toh asked, eyeing the man on the floor.

“Yeah, of course.” She gave her best smile. Truthfully, she was furious and terrified. It hadn’t been the first time that a man had tried to grab her. She didn’t want to have her real emotions here in the cantina, because it would involve beating Jakyl to a pulp while crying. Her shoulder blades started to separate, and her wings wanted to come out and help. She took several deep breaths to calm herself.

Jakyl stood, clearly furious. “What was that for?”

“I said no. Leave.” The fury was starting to break through, despite her best efforts.

He looked momentarily startled, but held his ground, like the prideful idiot he was proving himself to be. “I’m not asking too much. I just want to talk with you. I think that is within my rights.”

“You have no right to my time. Leave me alone. This is your last warning.”

He took a step forward, getting right up in her face. “Last warning. What are you gonna do?”

From what she understood, humans here and humans back home had similar anatomy. She punched him in him the diaphragm as hard as she could. Instead of collapsing to the ground in agony, he flew back, hitting the far wall at full speed, before finally hitting the ground deadweight. He got hit doubly in the chest, so his attempts at breathing left him gasping like a fish out of water.

She had not hit him that hard.

She shifted her body weight, ever so slightly, so she could glance at Kylo Ren. He was casually letting his hand fall to his lap, like he hadn’t just used the Force to make her look much more powerful than she was.  _ I could have handled it,  _ she thought at him, angrily.

A voice drifted into her mind.  _ I know. _

Something about that touched her. Her brain was sure that it was just to assure the reputation of his best weapon, but some small part of her believed that he really cared about her. She tried to ignore it though. Kylo was not the type of man to get your hopes up for.

Jakyl finally stood, gasping in his first full breath in a minute. He looked furious, but also completely terrified. His mouth opened and closed a few times, but he said nothing. She gave him a look, daring him to do anything, but he just left the cantina all together. Finally, she was able to return to her seat.

“Sorry about that,” she said to Ohn’toh, picking up her drink.

Ohn’toh’s mouth had dropped open, and he couldn’t seem to close it. Finally, after a few awkward minutes of silence, he joked, “Remind me not to get on your bad side.”

She felt bad for a moment, and wanted to tell him that she wasn’t that strong, but she couldn’t break this illusion that Kylo had so generously gifted to her. She just smiled, and replied, “Don’t worry. You have never given me cause for a playful slap, let alone that.”

Ohn’toh looked genuinely relieved, shoulders dropping and entire body slouching slightly. “Good. That’s good.”

“Please, don’t be afraid of me, honestly. I don’t like to use my powers against people unless it’s warranted.”

A look passed over his face, but was gone just as quickly. “Of course not.”

They were just starting to relax again, letting the conversation flow, when General Hux strode over to their table, looking smug. “Ah, Ms. Stone. That was an impressive display,” he said, knowingly.

Ohn’toh hopped off his feet and saluted, “General.”

“At ease, whoever you are.” Hux rolled his eyes, clearly not interested in him.

Elia stayed in her seat. “Thank you, Mr. Hux.”

He narrowed his eyes at her. “That’s ‘General,’ Ms. Stone.”

“I give you the same amount of respect as you give me, Mr. Hux.”

He pursed his lips, but moved on. “I see you are fraternizing with the low ranks.” Hux peered at Ohn’toh’s uniform. “Not even ranked. He is a serviceman. Why are you wasting your time?”

“I like his company, and Kylo Ren never goes to the cantina. They are the only people I know on the base. It would be boring to go alone, and a little sad, maybe.” Hux looked unsure of how to respond, so she added, “Is there an express order from my superior that I am not allowed to be here?”

“No. But you shouldn’t be seen with… people like him. It’s not done.”

“If Kylo Ren has a problem with it, he can talk to me about it,” she said, sounding much more confident than she felt, “You are not my boss, sir.”

Hux glared at her, like he was trying to read her thoughts. He would have no way of knowing what Kylo had shared with her. She could be completely oblivious to his presence in the room, and even to his help. Calling attention could probably get him in trouble. He kept glancing back at his group of officers, as if he was waiting for Kylo to make his opinion known, but Kylo was feigning a lack of interest and not looking in their direction. Hux was on his own.

“Fine,” Hux snapped, “But know that I  _ will _ be speaking to Ren about this.”

“Understood.” She wasn’t worried. Kylo had seen her with Ohn’toh here before, and had encouraged her attack. He wasn’t the type to keep quiet about things that irritated him.

Hux turned on heel and stomped away like a child. She could see Kylo trying to hold back a laugh at her thoughts, and it brought a smile to her face.

“Well… That sure was something,” Ohn’toh said, clearly freaked out.

“Don’t worry. You won’t get in trouble. I will do everything in my power to make sure of it.”

“Thank you…” he murmured, but he didn’t relax.


	13. Tempered Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elia sees a bit more of Kylo, his darkness and his light.
> 
> Tags: death, child abuse (maybe), army attacking a village, graphic death imagined

The next day, she was on another AAL. She knew a little bit more about this objective than the last. They were doing a blind raid on a known rebel base, hoping to garner some knowledge. She didn’t know what that meant exactly, but it gave her an uneasy feeling. What if they didn’t know anything?

They landed on a planet similar to Earth, called Onis. It made her heart ache. The landmasses were completely different, as well as the small mammals running through the undergrowth, but the trees were brown and green, the grass golden yellow, and there was a brilliant blue lake. It was a forest with a meadow clearing, just like the ones in the national parks near where she was from. Summertime too, she guessed.

She took a deep breath of the fresh, clean air. It felt alive, but it wasn’t the air from home. She couldn’t remember exactly what home smelled like, but she would know it if she found it. She sighed, feeling the nostalgia burn. Onis was probably as close to home as she would ever get.

“Elia, we don’t have time for this,” Kylo said, a little callously.

It was an icy shock through her veins. He had been a mood the whole day. She had a feeling that this mission wasn’t expected to be a success. She didn’t think he had gotten any new information about the mysterious man who had the map. Sometimes, she forgot that he was her boss. “Sorry, sir.” She took out her weapons and flared her wings.

He led them towards a compound. It was made of wood and covered in leaves. As she got closer, she realized it wasn’t a military base. They were homes with wooden slats and leaf roofs. The uneasy feeling grew, making her a little sick. The goal seemed unreachable and slightly malicious.

As the contingent of stormtroopers, led by Kylo Ren himself, poured into the clearing, alarm spread through the people. It was mostly humans, but she saw a few people with blue skin and one with green before they hid in one of the huts. Curiosity made her want to follow them, but common sense told her that would be a good way to get them killed.

Kylo stood at the front of the company, exuding power and control. She stayed off to the side, eyeing him warily. What was the goal here? He could, in theory, go through all of their minds individually as they fought him off, but that would take a long time.

“I know you are part of the Resistance,” he stated, his vocoder making it sinister, “You may not be front lines, but you help them. If you want to live, you will help me.”

Someone ducked down and broke into a run. Without a single order being shouted, a ‘trooper shot them. They hit the ground and didn’t get up. The uneasy feeling became clear to Elia: it was disgust.

“There is no point in running. You will not make it,” Kylo added.

The resistance people stared at the Order’s soldiers with fear. Many were throwing sidelong glances at Elia’s wings. She was the secret weapon after all, though not so secret now, she supposed. The whole Resistance probably knew about her from her capture on Yujanis. She couldn’t regret letting the base live though.

That was a problem. If she could leave an actual military base alive, how was she ever going to be able to kill the people of this little village? They weren’t living simply, they had all the tech this universe had to offer, but they reminded her of home.

She snapped back to reality as Kylo started up again, shattering the silence. “I will not leave this place until I know something useful! The longer I stay here, the more people die. I am not a patient man.” His voice was cold and emotionless, an effect amplified by the voice modifier.

Despite his threats, no one said anything. No one moved, but he wasn’t getting any information either. He ignited his lightsaber. Everyone, even Elia, jumped. The hissing, crackling monstrosity was terrifying in and of itself, but now it was a part of Kylo in one of his moods.

“Let me ask you,” he said, gesturing to a little boy.

That got everyone’s attention. A woman, probably his mother, was grabbed by several people. They held her back as she tried to get to Kylo, screaming, crying, and clawing the air. Horror passed through all their faces. What could they do? Fight and die, or let this child die before their eyes?

The boy looked terrified, but also confused. There was a lot happening around him, and he kept getting brushed by people’s fingers as they tried to pull him away. He didn’t reply to Kylo.

He stepped closer to the boy, lightsaber still glowing. Elia’s mind flashed with the picture of that poor boy skewered on the blade, screams cut off as he died. She couldn’t watch that happen. She couldn’t let that happen.

“Stop!” she yelled, throwing herself in front of Kylo. She immediately regretted it. No one disobeyed Kylo’s orders. No one questioned them. She had just done both in front of a resistance camp. She drew in a deep breath and calmed herself, trying to come up an excuse. “Ren, I don’t think this boy has the answers, but let me talk to him.”

Kylo radiated rage at her, and she felt death breathing on her shoulder. She was terrified, but she stood her ground.

“Fine, speak to him.” He took a step back, his body rigid with fury.

She realized then that he wouldn’t kill her. He liked having her power around too much. He could, however, make life awful for her. She would deal with that later.

She sat on the soft dirt of the clearing, making herself about eye level with the boy. Folding her wings out of the way was a bit of a challenge with their size, and they ended up piled up behind her.

“Hello,” she said, “What’s your name?”

He looked terrified, eyeing her wings with curiosity and suspicion. He said nothing, but started sucking his thumb.

“Don’t worry,” she continued, “I won’t hurt you. My name is Lena, what’s yours?”

He glanced back toward his probable mom, who was no longer fighting the people holding her back. She nodded at him. He answered with his thumb still in his mouth. “My name is Tobin. What are those?”

She smiled. “Nice to meet you Tobin. These,” she said, flexing them a little, “are my wings.”

He grinned back at her, and let his hand fall away from his face. “They are really cool, but a bit scary.”

“I felt the same way when I saw them for the first time. Don’t worry, they won’t hurt you. I won’t let them.”

“Can I touch them?” Tobin asked.

Elia could feel Kylo’s impatience growing.  _ I’m building rapport! Fuck off!  _ she snapped at him mentally. To Tobin, she said, “Yes, but be careful, the scales are sharp!” She moved one of her wings forward, slowly, and kept the claws retracted. “Touch like this,” she added, demonstrating how to follow the grain.

For such a young boy, he was surprisingly gentle. He ran his pointer finger across the ridge of her left wing a couple times, then dropped his hand. “Woah…”

“How old are you, Tobin?” she asked.

“I’m four years old, but I am almost five!”

“Wow! Good for you! You are growing up fast, huh?”

“Yeah, Mommy says I’m the fastest grower in the Resistance!”

In Elia’s periphery, she could see Tobin’s mom trying to shush him. He hadn’t said anything the Order didn’t know, but Kylo was no longer sending impatience waves either. She was getting through.

“I’ll bet!” she replied, “Now, Tobin, I have a very important task for you. Would you be willing to help me?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Tobin’s face became immediately serious. The poor boy had been raised in war. He had probably been taught to respond to questions like that with no doubts, by his parents and through mimicry. She felt a little guilty taking advantage of it, but it was better than him dying.

“My friend and I are looking for a man. He ran away and went to go hide somewhere. He stole something from my friend. Do you know where he went?” Sometimes, children heard more than they should have. She was counting on this.

“No,” he said, frowning, “I don’t know where Lor San went, no one does. I’m sorry.”

The whole world became silent. No one moved. The secret was out.

“Lor San Tekka?” Kylo asked, calmly.

“Yeah, he is an old man, but he is nice too. One time, he brought me extra urzan berries because he knew they are my favorite,” Tobin babbled, oblivious.

Kylo gave the order, and all the ‘troopers started to march away from the village. Elia ignored the order, sitting with Tobin for just a little bit longer. Kylo didn’t force her to leave, probably gleaning her plan from her mind.

When all the Order soldiers were out of earshot, she leaned forward, and whispered, “Tobin, you will probably remember this one day, or people will talk about it. Please know that it wasn’t your fault. I took advantage of your youth, and by doing this, you saved lives. Will you remember that for me?”

Tobin tried to keep a hold on his serious look, but Elia could tell he was bewildered. “I will remember that.”

She stood and brushed the dirt off her uniform. “You’re a good kid, Tobin. Stay safe.”

Everyone in the little town was staring at her in confusion. Some wore looks of hatred, but others were in awe. No one knew what to say, including her, so after one final scan of the enemy crowd, she turned and left. She found that she could not hate them. She felt terrible for taking advantage of Tobin’s innocence. Was the Order wrong?

She buried these thoughts with every step that she walked toward Kylo Ren.

When she caught up to Kylo, she couldn’t speak to him at first. They walked in silence all the way to the idling transporter, and slipped inside. She was furious with him. How could he have done that? He didn’t bother her as she stewed in her anger. He probably didn’t even care.

“I just don’t know why you are so angry,” he commented, in English.

“Tobin is four! You were ready to murder him!” she hissed.

“He is a Resistance-”

“I’m not religious, but ‘the son will not bear the punishment for the father's iniquity’ is a pretty good rule to go by. He is a child!” she interrupted.

“I was going to say, ‘but you were right.’ You got far more information from the boy than I would have by killing him. If you had not stopped me, who knows how long it would have taken? But we have a name now, and I know him.” He stopped talking for a moment and faced her. “You are good at tempering my anger. You are right. I cannot kill you. I think you are the only one in the Order who can keep me from going too far.”

For a moment, she couldn’t reply. That admission was more than she ever could have expected from Kylo Ren.  She knew it to be true, but she didn’t think he could admit something like that. “I…”

“You make me better at my job, Elia. You make me better, generally. Thank you.”

Despite all her anger, she found herself smiling. The unrelenting rage leaked out of her, bit by bit, like it was being drained away. She had saved Tobin, probably the whole village, and she had gotten the information they needed too. “I thought you would be mad for contradicting you,” she said, trying to hold on to that indignation.

“I was, at first, but you did your job. Your job is to help me reach my goal. I’d say it was a success. That boy’s death would not have helped me at all, but his life did.”

She lost. Her righteous fury bled out of her. “You’re welcome, Kylo,” she murmured. Those cursed feelings tugged at her, trying to get her attention, but she shoved them aside.

“You are really good with kids… You and your husband were married a long time, why didn’t you have any?”

It was the first time Kylo had ever talked about her husband. She was momentarily caught off guard, and she thought of Spencer. She didn’t know what he would think of her, living as she was. Her thoughts became anguished for a moment, but she pushed them aside too. Spencer wasn’t here. Hell, he was dead.

“We wanted kids, well he did, but we just couldn’t do it.”

“Why not?”

“That was the price for the wings. I can’t have children.” Death had told her she couldn’t ‘give life’ as her payment. She thought it was just about being infertile, but after completely failing at gardening and killing a fish (Spencer had to take over after the first died. The rest were fine after that), they figured it would be best if they didn’t try adoption.

Kylo didn’t reply to that, and she was thankful for his silence. She had told so many people that she couldn’t have kids, and they all insisted there was a way. For Elia, there truly wasn’t. Sometimes, mind reading saves you a lot of arguing.


	14. Can It Be Done?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo talks about his problems, and Elia has a big one of her own.
> 
> Tags: Kylo POV (at the beginning), manipulation, murder, force manipulation, TIE fighters, flying, ships exploding, crash, ship crash, skydiving, falling.

Kylo paced across the dark floor in front of his master. The Supreme Leader reclined in his throne, unconcerned and quiescent. Kylo knew that Snoke probably wouldn’t be helpful, but who else did he have? Hux? Hux would have her thrown out an airlock at the first mention of insubordination. Phasma was too busy struggling against the free will of the stormtroopers. Snoke might actually be able to help, if he would try, though he was almost as likely as Hux to ‘dispose’ of her.

Finally, Kylo said, “She is slipping away from me. I can feel it. Every run in with the rebels brings her closer to a moral quandary. She is starting to doubt the legitimacy of the Order. It is small, but it’s there. The seed could grow, force her to turn against us. I need to squash it.”

“So, you’re telling me that you can’t control one girl? You’re better than that.”

“It’s not that, Supreme Leader,” Kylo said, “Her morals don’t align with ours. She would fight for alien rights. She would want voting, like the republic. The teachings of the Order can’t fight the truths of the Resistance. She has been useful to us, the search has moved forward in leaps and bounds, but since she was captured, there is this kernel of doubt. She tries to hide it, but it is an irritant in her mind, to the point where I can’t help but hear it. We can’t lose her.”

“Or is it that you can’t lose her? You seem to have become quite attached to our winged weapon.” Snoke paused, considering the situation before him. “Your extraneous attachment aside, she has been useful to us. I was quite impressed with how she pulled the name from that little boy without any mental manipulation ability. Who would have thought that a child would have the name?”

“Children hear more than we think. That’s what she said anyway.”

Snoke laughed, a low, resonant sound that was mildly unnerving. “Yes, of course! And even if he hadn’t known, the people,” he spat that word with distaste, “don’t hate her like they hate us. It is an interesting approach, to be sure.”

“Yes, truly,” Kylo said, becoming impatient, “But what should we do about her?”

“Your bond is mutual, right? I have seen it.”

Kylo wasn’t one to blush, so it was good he was wearing his mask. “Yes, Master. The bond is mutual.”

“Then foster it. It will be harder for her to leave us if she has a personal stake in our cause.”

“But sir, I cut it off. I thought she would be a distraction to my work.”

“This isn’t the Jedi! Attachments can be good. Use your desire to fuel your path. Get better at fighting so you can protect her. Darth Vader did everything for his lover, your grandmother. Make her stay for you, or use mind tricks. The choice is yours, but make it. Just remember to keep your priorities in the right place. The Order comes first.”

Kylo started to say something, but Snoke cut him off. “That is all I will discuss with you. I have given you your options. Pick one and get on with it.” The hologram cut out.

Kylo was distraught. He did want her to be his, but having it be an order from the Supreme Leader was not what he had expected. Somehow, it tainted his victory. Maybe because the other option was… Well, it wasn’t much of a choice.

Once he pushed passed that, he was happy. He had wanted someone he could claim as his since he left the Jedi. Losing that restriction had been a hollow victory without someone to get attached to, but now he had her. Sort of. She was unsure, fighting herself. The regret he had felt from her had actually hurt him for a moment.

He knew she wanted him still, and he wanted her still. Now they were allowed to have what they wanted. He felt his desire grow as he wound through the base to his rooms. He ached to have her beneath him, but he couldn’t rush this. He didn’t even know where to start.

\---

After the situation on Onis, she didn’t see Kylo for a while. She spent most of her time reading and training. There was always more information out there, and she felt like she would never be in good enough shape. She actually found herself getting bored. Ohn’toh worked normal hours every day, and she felt weird bothering him all the time (though he insisted that he was always happy to see her).

There was plenty of time spent with Ohn’toh though, and some of it wasn’t in the cantina. Once, (or twice) she got so unable to focus on training or reading, she helped him at his place. She couldn’t sew or cut fabric, but she could fold and organize while keeping him company. He tailored uniforms alone for hours, so, thankfully, he didn’t see her as an imposition (even though she was sure that she was). 

Actually, he seemed pleased to have her around. He kept asking her questions about the most recent mission to Onis. He seemed pleased (a little too pleased) that only one person had died. He told her that he hoped the Order could learn from her methods. She started to feel like there was something else, but she ignored it. Any suspicions, real or fake, could get Ohn’toh in some serious trouble.

Kylo was never far from her mind. She was tearing herself apart, partially guilty over her desire for this clearly terrible (but wonderful) man, and partially just overcome with desire. It was all irrelevant, of course. No matter what she was feeling, she couldn’t be distracted (more than she already was). Besides, he would never be able to pick her. He had that search as his priority number one.

After the week of boredom passed, and Elia found herself in a TIE/sf fighter with Kylo Ren. She couldn’t fly a TIE fighter by herself, but he wanted her on the mission, so he left his personal TIE silencer on the base so they could fly together. All around them were other TIE fighters of every kind. This was going to be a difficult mission, and everyone was on their own.

They couldn’t approach their goal, Pillio, head on, for fear of interference, so the plan was fly from the  _ Finalizer _ , around a nearby planet called Hiergre, only to bank and approach Pillio at the last second. Elia had never felt more like deadweight. On her first day, she had seen these ships. She thought they were like H’s with fat middles. Now she thought of them as death traps.

“I spent a month training, and you couldn’t put in a little time to learn how to fly a TIE fighter? I mean, you could easily have made it a once a week thing! ‘On this day, instead of flying for a bland hour, go do some flight practice,’” she griped, clutching the turret controls with white knuckles.

“I didn’t think it would be necessary! Besides, TIE fighters are finicky. It takes a lot of special training to fly one,” Kylo replied.

She gestured at her hands on the controls. “Apparently not!”

“You aren’t actually flying. I have complete control over that. Just shoot anyone who shoots at us, and try to avoid our other ships. I don’t think you will have to worry about it though. Pillio is an Order planet. We just don’t want to scare our contact or her informant.”

“Alright. Alright. I can do this.” She focused on the controls, and tried to practice aiming. It was not easy. She had never even touched something like this. As they left the shadow of the  _ Finalizer _ behind, she had a terrible feeling in her gut.

They were banking extremely close to Hiergre, to make it look like they were landing there. Hiergre was a weird looking planet from a distance, and as they got closer, it just looked weirder. The oceans were a clear green and the landmasses were blood red to a pale orange.  As they got closer, she realized it was the color of the grasses and leaves.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw it. An X-wing was approaching them on her left.

“Kylo?”

“Yeah, I see it,” he said, spinning out of the way.

The X-wing had a whole company of friends, and they started firing. She frantically aimed at them, but they were maneuverable and prepared to fight against trained fighter pilots. She couldn’t hit them.

Kylo was an ace pilot, though, so they weren’t getting hit either. He even managed to take out one of the X-wings, causing it to spiral. The other Resistance pilots scattered, trying to avoid the out of control ship.

She felt useless, and she hated that feeling. She was a powerful person, right? Kylo Ren’s right hand! She could shoot a damn ship on the nose of her turret. She took a deep breath and focused.

The ships weren’t slowing down any, but she gripped the controls and fired. After far too many shots, she finally clipped one of the X-Wings. The damage was subtle enough that the pilot didn’t notice until they lost control and rammed into another ship. In that time, Kylo had shot down three more ships, but she was happy to have hit even one (or two).

Another squadron of X-wings appeared out of nowhere and started firing at them without warning. Kylo shut off the engines to let ship drop, before powering them back on. Two X-Wings shot each other, but the rest managed to evade and pursue.

After her heart stopped trying to escape through her chest, she said, “I’m glad that worked, but fuck, Kylo. That was scary as shit!”

She could hear the grin in his voice. “I learned that from you, actually.”

She wanted to argue that her wings didn’t require start up time, but she just rolled her eyes. “Whatever works. Just don’t kill us, okay?”

“Oka-” Kylo’s reply was cut off by an explosion on the wing. One of the shots had hit, despite his incredible evasive abilities. The X-wings abandoned them, assuming they were done for.

Elia said nothing, knowing that disturbing things would make it worse. She fired at all the ships she could see, trying to ignore the growing clangor of alarms. The ship was shuddering and jerking, completely off-balance, but Kylo was an ace pilot. They would be fine.

After a few minutes of jerking around, Kylo finally murmured, “Elia, we’re gonna crash. There is nothing I can do.” Kylo was calm, collected. Did he think he was invincible, or was he just ready to die?

“Don’t be stupid! I can fly. Just get as close to the planet’s surface as you can, and I’ll do the rest,” she said, dropping the controls. She hopped off the gunner’s chair and started strapping necessary supplies around her hips and waist.

“You can’t release your wings in here! There is barely enough space for the two of us. How do you expect to fit?”

She took a deep breath, trying to convince herself it would work. “I am going to do it after we leave the ship.”

“While we’re falling?!”

“Yes. It takes about a minute to do it, so give me three minutes of falling time to make sure they don’t open just as we land.”

“That’s insane! That will never work!” Kylo shouted, trying to keep the ship steady. The wing with the hole was putting them off balance, making it almost impossible to keep level.

“Do you have any other ideas? The ship is going to give out any moment, and there isn’t a parachute. I can’t understand why, but there isn’t.”

“Normally, if you crash in a spacecraft, you won’t be crashing where a parachute would help. It’s unnecessary weight.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” she snapped, “Now, are we gonna do this or not?”

The ships alert systems were going haywire as Kylo thought it over. She could feel the anxiety creeping through her, making her shoulders stretch uselessly. She hoped her wings wouldn’t try to come out in the cockpit.

Finally, after too many minutes, Kylo said, “Fine, let’s do it.” He dropped the controls, and opened the back door. Wind whooshed through the cockpit, almost knocking them over, and the clangor of the ship got louder. It was going to hit something soon. She held out her arms for him, but he just looked at her, incredulously.

“How else am I gonna carry you with my wings?” she asked, impatiently.

Even with the mask, she could tell that he was giving her a look. (She had gotten a lot better at reading his moods.) Despite this, he allowed her to sweep his feet out from under him and cradle him in her arms. There was something almost romantic about this, she thought, but she had to focus. With a huge breath, she mentally braced herself for what was going to come, and she threw herself out of the ship.


	15. The Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elia tries to land after the unfortunate crash.
> 
> Tags: Crashing, falling, major injury, graphic descriptions on injury, broken bones, dislocated joints, I know medpacs are a little Deus Ex but let me live haha, Kylo is a bit OOC (remember his last POV), kissing, dubious consent (because of the manipulations and because he keep pushing), Fantasy sex, wing sex, girl on top, slightly rough sex, Elia is a wee bit of a masochist, that's not how the force works, almost caught, suspicious Hux.

Free falling wasn’t as scary as she thought it would be. She sort of wished that she had tried skydiving while she still had the chance, back on Earth. 

The reality of the situation hit her all at once, and she cursed herself. She had to focus.

Holding Kylo while her back flayed itself was difficult. She found herself digging her fingers into the layers of cloth on his body. He said nothing, thankfully. Hopefully he would be as calm when they landed. Somewhere behind her, the ship exploded. Thankfully, they were far enough away that the crash didn’t affect them much. There was a buffet of wind that pushed her forward, but no sparks or debris.

When her wings finally started to pour out of her, she used all her focus to stop them from expanding all the way. She didn’t want them to shred themselves trying to hold her while they were only half-formed. The wind-resistance was already getting higher, though; she could feel it.

When her wings were fully released, but still clamped against her healing back, Kylo started to say something, probably about the approaching ground. She knew how fast they were going, but she couldn’t speed up the process.  Finally, with her back fully healed, she let her wings open.

It was absolute agony.

It hurt so incredibly badly that it took everything in her power not to scream her pain into the sky. They had been falling at terminal velocity, and her wings had tried to do a full stop. Her arms were sore too, as suddenly Kylo had weight. It was like he had been dropped into her arms at full speed as her wings had been almost torn from her body. Tears were streaming down her face, but in that moment she didn’t care. The next step was to land.

The joints in her wings protested every flap, every moment, every desire of hers. They were screaming to rest, but she was still a good 900 yards from the ground. It wouldn’t be good if they dropped from this height, especially with her other injuries.

Despite her best efforts, the landing wasn’t going to be pretty. Every few beats of her wings, they would buckle from the effort, and she and Kylo would drop several feet. It was an alarming and jerky decent, but Kylo kept his mouth shut about it. She couldn’t tell what he was feeling in the moment, but she truly didn’t care. She was about to save their lives.

About fifty feet from the ground, she could feel her willpower breaking. She couldn’t fight to keep them aloft like this anymore. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to land with him in her arms.  _ Kylo _ she thought  _ I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to drop you. I won’t drop you from high up, but I can’t land like this. Try to roll. _

“Okay.” His voice was barely a whisper in her ears, as the wind snatched it away.

When they were about ten feet off the ground, she thought,  _ Now!  _ and let go. She didn’t watch his decent, instead focusing on her own. With less weight, her wings were in less pain, but it was still torture. She looked around at the fast approaching ground. A soft looking spot was just ahead, so she tried to touch down there.

Her wings gave out at the last second, and she crashed into the patch of soft ground, rolling several times before she finally stopped, lying on her back. She groaned in pain, and couldn’t even get the energy to check the extent of her injuries. She just lay there, trying to breathe and relax a little. She was alive. She did it.

After several minutes, she finally started testing joints. Her legs were fine, she found. A few scrapes, but structurally intact. Her rotator cuffs were on fire, and she couldn’t use her arms to get up. Every time she tried, they would buckle, and she would fall back again. Finally, using her core muscles, she managed to roll onto her stomach to test her wings.

Her wings were in worse shape than her arms. Several bones had broken, leaving her left wing immobile and her right wing only half functioning. Real fear starting coursing through her again. A stream of curses burst past her lips. Where were the medical supplies? Where was Kylo?

She tried to get up one last time, to see if she could find any of this out, but the pain was too much, and she was too tired. She collapsed, unconscious.

\---

“Elia? Elia?!” a panicked voice interrupted her sleep. Her body was rocking gently, but the movement sent pain in shockwaves throughout her torso.

“What?” she groaned, voice barely a whisper.

Something sharp bit into the space between her wings, and her breath hissed out. The pain turned into white hot, unbearable agony for a moment, before finally the unnatural healing began. She drew in a shuddering breath, before sighing in relief. Healing by bacta was better than that much pain any day.

“Elia, are you alright?” Kylo asked.

“Kylo, thank god. You made it. Did the fall hurt you?” she murmured.

“Elia, I’m fine. Are you alright?”

“I’m getting better,” she groaned, trying to get up. Her body was still so sore. Had she almost died, again?

“Hold on,” he murmured, and another dose of bacta coursed through her.

The pain was much less, and she managed to stand on shaky legs. The weight of her wings wasn’t dragging her down anymore. She tested her arms and wings, feeling for any lingering injury, but they were healed. The joints still felt just a bit weaker and more sensitive, but she was okay.

“Thank you,” she said, “I feel much better.”

He stood about a foot away from her, worry plastered across his features. His mask was gone, discarded somewhere, and that made her even happier. Through her dangerous act, she had saved both of their lives! (She might also have been recovering from shock.)

“So, were you hurt by the-” she began.

Kylo interrupted her with an embrace. This one was much more tender than the one on the purple grass planet. He held her against his body like a treasured person, rather than a treasured weapon. She wrapped her arms around him, savoring his warmth. The injury flew out of her mind, replaced by more currently relevant desires.

“I’m alright,” she whispered into his clavicles.

“You should have seen… You wings were sticking out at odd angles, and I couldn’t tell if you were breathing…” He kissed the crown of her head.

“It was pretty terrifying for me too, but I’m all better. Thank you for saving me.”

He pulled away from the embrace and stared at her with such intensity. She couldn’t read the emotions running through his eyes. His hand cupped her face, and he gently ran his thumb across her cheek.

This time, he initiated the kiss. He lowered his face to hers, kissing her forehead, the bridge of her nose, and finally her lips. He drew her close to him, his passionate kisses asking her to never leave him.

She kissed him back with a fervor, pressing her body against his. The desires she had been so dutifully suppressing resurged, flooding her with need.

After a few blissful moments, she pulled herself away from the kiss. “We shouldn’t… We can’t….”

He let her go, but said, “Do you want this?”

“Yes, of course…”

“Why are you stopping yourself?”

“Distraction? Getting in trouble? Hux?” Though she was having trouble convincing herself those were reasons to stop.

“We are stuck here. No distractions, no getting in trouble, no Hux.” He kissed her again, and started to tug at her clothes.

She didn’t want to stop him, but she was worried. “Wait! Is this allowed?”

He gazed at her with such intense desire (and something else?), tracing her jaw with a gentle touch. “It is good to have someone to fight for.”

She couldn’t think of any reason to stop. The desire she had been trying to suppress was making itself known. “I should retract my wings first.”

Something devious passed over his eyes. “Don’t. Leave them be.”

She grinned. “Then I need to be on top.”

Their clothes were off in seconds, and she guided him to the soft, red grass below them. It looked like he was lying in a pool of blood, but it also made him look more beautiful.

He smiled at these thoughts, a real smile, and leaned up to kiss her. Their naked bodies touched, and sent shocks through her. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her down to the ground with him. As their bodies pressed together, she could feel his erection growing, and she was getting wetter.

Soon, she couldn’t take the waiting. She pulled herself away from his embrace, impatiently, and lifted her hips up, guiding his swollen cock inside of her. She tilted her head back in bliss and slid down his length, wings quivering above her. She gasped. It was a relief. She hadn’t realized how much she needed this again.

He grabbed onto her hips, using them to guide her up and down his cock. She looked down as he did this, to see an amazing sight: his body, naked and flexing beneath her, and him gazing up at her with desire.

Her legs were much stronger than they once were, and they had no trouble supporting her weight as she started to ride him. He sat up, adjusting her in his lap, so that he could enjoy her body as she enjoyed his. His arm wrapped around her waist, catching the ends of her hair, and he brought her body closer to his. He started kissing her gently, as if he was afraid of hurting her, but he quickly picked up on her mental desires, and began nipping and biting her.

She tangled one of her hands in his hair, lightly pressing his face into her breasts, and the other she used for balance. Her wings were fully expanded behind her, and they helped with the balance as well. They were fully open, glittering in the sunset like stars in the sky.

She had never had sex with her wings out, and she wished that she had done it before. It made her feel powerful and beautiful, like a warrior goddess. Kylo seemed to enjoy it as well, which only encouraged her. Occasionally, he would peek above her shoulders, eyeing her special appendages with a deep lust. He seemed to relish their raw power.

Kylo slowed his thrusting, focusing entirely on her pleasure. It was unfathomable to her that he would do that, but it felt amazing. His free fingers slipped down her body and found her clit, as he adjusted the angle so the thrust would be more pleasurable. She was soon a gasping, moaning mess under his efforts, her head buried in his shoulder as bliss started to overtake her.

Her orgasm came first this time, powerful waves of it crashing over her. Kylo held her as she went through it, stroking her clit to help prolong the experience. He came soon after, unable to hold back as she squeezed him internally.

They came down, wrapped around each other on the soft grass. She never wanted the moment to end, because they would have to go back to ignoring this tension between them.

Automatically, her wings wrapped around her (and him), cocooning their bodies against the fading warmth as the sun started to set. When she realized what she had done with her demonic appendages, she started to move them, but Kylo shook his head. She tightened the wings’ grip around them both, and Kylo sighed against her skin.

When the sun had full set, they finally had to move. She pulled herself off of his now flaccid cock and stretched. He gazed at her with such a deep desire and began kissing and licking her legs.

“Kylo,” she said, giggling, “I thought we said we weren’t going to do this anymore.”

“We already did,” he replied between his nipping of her thighs, “But we are stranded here for at least a little while. Why not enjoy it? What else can we do here?”

She didn’t want to stop him, she really didn’t, but she was supposed to. “When will they be coming to get us?”

“We have to call them with the comm first,” he hinted.

That was all she needed to hear.

\---

They fucked on and off for several more hours, taking breaks for food rations and water, then bathed in a stream they found nearby. It was incredibly late by that point, so they lay down on the grass, holding each other. Her wings were still out, so she lay on her stomach. Kylo curled up underneath one of them like a blanket, which made her grin. She adjusted it so he could be comfortable and completely covered. She fell asleep feeling more at peace than she had in a long time. He fell asleep facing her, hand resting on her hip.

Their peace was soon interrupted, though, as the sound of a ship breaking through the atmosphere tore them from their restful sleep.

“Fuuuuck!” she hissed, trying to figure out how best to proceed. They were relatively hidden under the huge, draping branches of the trees, but their clothes could be anywhere.

“Don’t worry,” Kylo said, still a bit bleary from sleep, “I will handle this.”

Articles of clothing starting speeding towards them, stopping right in front of them, and dropping. Soon their entire wardrobe, and the supply bag, was in front of them. They hurriedly started dressing.

“Thank god for the Force,” she said.

He helped her pull her uniform on around her wings (they made it difficult to put on the sleeves), and they were all dressed. His mask was even back in place, unfortunately.

“What’s our story?” she asked, suddenly feeling like she was in trouble.

“Don’t worry. I will handle it.”

“Okay,” she said. She was so thankful that whoever was coming wouldn’t have the power to read minds like Kylo Ren did.

“I agree,” he murmured, as the ship landed in front of them.

General Hux strolled out with a contingent of stormtroopers, looking smug. “Congratulations, Ren, you managed to not only crash your ship, but to crash it on the wrong planet.”

“I also managed not to die,” Kylo growled.

“I’m sure you didn’t manage that on your own. This girl probably flew you to safety.”

“Yes, she did, but I used the Force to cushion my fall. Even if I hadn’t done that, what’s wrong with her flying me down? Her job is to help me. Wouldn’t saving my life count?”

General Hux’s sneer fell off. “Whatever. Why didn’t you call for help sooner? Clearly you were well.”

Kylo glared at Hux, and explained to him what happened. He was much kinder to her than she would have expected, and was able to tout her abilities while not diminishing his own. It was a good balance, because she knew that Hux was looking for an excuse to mark him as useless (even if it would never happen). When describing her injuries, he made it seem much worse than it had been (or maybe they were actually that bad, and she was incredibly lucky).

General Hux’s glare deepened as Kylo explained the scenario. “So, she was hurt? Isn’t that what medpacs are for?”

“Her injuries were quite bad. Despite being healed, her body needed the rest,” Kylo said, tone daring Hux to question it.

General Hux pursed his lips and considered the story he had been given. Instead of confirming or denying it, he changed the subject. “Fine, come on then. Let’s get you back to the ship. That battle was less than helpful. We have work to do.” Without another word, General Hux led them onto the transporter.

When he was sure no one was looking, Kylo took her hand and squeezed it once, before boarding the ship. Confusion swept over her at the gesture. After righting herself, she followed him on board.


	16. Love Bites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo and Elia deal with the aftermath of the Hiergre crash.
> 
> Tags: Further description of injury, muscle soreness, fear of Death, consequences of near-death, using sex to fill a hole, rough sex, masochism mention (light), abusive relationship mention, manipulation, lost time, memory loss, nightmares.

General Hux couldn’t complain about her needing rest after the medical droid looked at her. It measured the amount of bacta that had been used, against the current severity of her injuries, to analyze how badly she had been hurt. According to the droid, she should have permanently lost the use of her wings, and she was lucky to be alive.

She hadn’t realized it had been that bad, but it gave them a good excuse.

They all parted ways when they got back to the  _ Finalizer. _ She still lived in the lower quarters, despite her rank. It didn’t bother her, but it prevented her from talking to Kylo about what it had all meant, or what they were going to do.

She took a long, hot shower, letting the scalding water relax her tense muscles. Her wings had still been a tad sore, so her back was sore after the transformation. She found herself shaking a little, despite the heat. How many times was she going to almost die? How many times would she get terribly hurt and heal in the same ten minute chunk? Probably a lot more in this galaxy than her own, and it was starting to take a toll on her.

After a too long shower, she dried off and got ready for bed. She was naked, about to slip under the covers, when there was a knock at her door. No one had ever knocked on her bedroom door. She didn’t even know who knew where she lived.

“Who is it?” she called, rather unwilling to get out of bed.

“It’s, uh, me,” Kylo’s undisguised voice replied.

She wrapped the blanket around her shoulders and opened the door. “What are you doing here?”

He didn’t reply for a moment as he took her in. She was freshly clean, her hair loose, and the blanket was all she was wearing. He was distracted by all this, so she pulled him in and closed the door. It wouldn’t be good to be seen with a strange man while almost naked.

“Kylo, what are you doing here?” she asked again.

“Oh! Sorry… You are not going to Pillio tomorrow. General Hux has decided to take your injury seriously, so you are on bedrest for three days. No missions, no training, nothing. Someone will bring you food, too.”

“Fuuuuuck!” she groaned, dragging the sound on for at least half a minute.

“I thought you would like a break?”

“A break? Yes. Confinement and ‘helplessness?’ No. Besides, I want to be on Pillio. I want to do my damn job.”

“I know that the terms are a little extreme, but you should really rest. You keep getting hurt. It worries me…” He cleared his throat. “I mean, I need you in top shape.”

“Thank you, Kylo,” she murmured, knowing what he meant.

“You’re welcome.”

“Is there anything else?”

“Yes, just one more thing.” He leaned in and kissed her softly.

She immediately fell into it, no qualms. Even if this was the only day they would ever do it, she wanted to make the most of it.

“Wait, Elia,” he said between kisses.

“Yes?” she asked, immediately letting go.

“I just want to say, it doesn’t have to be just tonight. We can keep meeting up. It’s good stress relief and it will make us fight harder to defend each other.”

She cocked her head to the side, confused as to how things had changed.

“Snoke found out and he doesn’t care,” Kylo confessed.

“Oh, that’s all? Why didn’t you just say that?” She shrugged the blanket off her shoulders.

His eyes glittered with delight, and he led her to the bed, stripping his as they went.

The sex was intense and passionate. Pleasure heights she had never reached, pain to depths she had never dared try, and at the center of it all was Kylo. He claimed her body as his with a kind of worship she had never experienced. He was careful to find every erogenous zone, every pleasurable area, making her soaked before he even approached her clit. He was also sure to use his teeth, nails, and hands to bring that little sting that made it all better. After her first orgasm, she did the same for him.

They didn’t know how long they spent on that bed, fucking and teasing. She was sure he would get tired after he came, but he just wanted more. He hadn’t been allowed to enjoy her before, and now she was fully available to him. They were alone, and no one would stop them.

After they finished, he fell asleep on the bed, too exhausted to leave. She was sure that he just wanted to stay the night, but she wasn’t going to say anything about it. She got to fall asleep in the warmth and comfort of his strong arms, after having some fantastic sex. There was nothing bad about that. The nightmares she had expected from the events of the day never came, and she slept without interruption, until he slipped out of her room in the wee hours.

He slid out from under her body, gave her a quick kiss on the forehead, and whispered, “I’m going to Pillio. I’ll see you when I get back.”

\---

She slept through most of the morning. It was good sleep, restful and relaxing. She awoke with a lazy sigh and a good stretch. Maybe it was good that she was on bedrest. She didn’t want to get up for anything (except to maybe let Kylo in when he got back from Pillio). Her stomach burbled, and she realized she might have to get up for more than just Kylo. Oh well. It was a good fantasy while it lasted.

She got out of bed, took a shower, and put on her uniform, ready to go get some breakfast (or lunch). A knock interrupted her as she finished fastening the last button on her uniform. Without a thought, she opened the door. Kylo was the only person who knew where she lived.

“Welcome back, K-” she started, before her eyes met with Ohn’toh.

“You are supposed to be on bedrest, dearie!” Ohn’toh chided, inviting himself into the room.

“I didn’t think Hux was serious about someone bringing me food. Besides, no one came this morning.”

“Oh no,” Ohn’toh countered, setting the plate of food on the dresser, “I came this morning. You were completely out. You didn’t seem to hear me knocking and saying your name.”

“I didn’t!”

“I know,” he teased, “I pegged you as a deep sleeper.”

She sighed. “Thank you for bringing me the food, but why did they send you. I am happy to see you, and I would love it if you stayed for a little while, but you are a tailor, not a server.”

He rolled his eyes and sat on the bed. “General Hux personally decided that I would bring the food. ‘She says she doesn’t know anyone else on base. I wouldn’t want to make her uncomfortable in her recovery.’” He mimicked Hux’s voice really well, and she couldn’t help but laugh.

“I honestly think Hux is going too far with this ‘recovery’ thing. I was really badly hurt, but I healed.” She sat next to him on the bed and opened the food tray. It didn’t look particularly appetizing, but she suddenly realized that she was starving. She hadn’t eaten since she left Hiergre.

The lights were dim in her room since she had just woken up, but Ohn’toh’s eyes started adjusting. She was complete focused on eating, so she didn’t notice his eyes widen as he scanned her neck.

“Who did that to you?” he asked, quietly.

“Did what?” She didn’t really stop eating to answer.

He stood and flicked the light switch. The light was blinding, and she threw her arms up to cover her eyes. From her bed, she could see the mirror, and she had three hickeys on her neck.

Shit.

“Who did that to you? Because those aren’t from a crash. Is that why you are on bedrest? Did Hux…?”

“I  _ was _ wounded in the crash. Like actually hurt really badly. Hux put my on bedrest so I couldn’t help Kylo on Pillio, not for actual healing. These are from last night. I snuck a guy in.” None of it was a lie, but she was omitting a huge part of it. She hoped he wouldn’t figure it out.

“Oh, those are on purpose?” He sat back down. “You had me worried there. Who’s the guy?”

She focused really hard on eating her next bite, chewing longer than necessary. She couldn’t think of anything. Like Ohn’toh had said, she didn’t know anyone else on base. “Um, just some random. I wanted to fuck my worries away. Almost dying can be really scary. I just wanted to relieve the tension. We may have gotten a little carried away.”

Her mind wandered to the previous night, and she smiled without even realizing. It had been a lot of fun, and she was hoping that they would get to do it all the time. She sighed, but refocused on eating.

“Some random? It seems like more than that. Do you like this guy?” Ohn’toh asked, grinning.

“Yeah, I guess I do. But I can’t tell you who it is.”

Something flashed across his face, suspicion or worry or both. “Is it-?”

“I. Can’t. Tell. You.” She repeated, interrupting him.

“Okay, okay. Fine. You can’t tell me.” He seemed to have a pretty good idea, but she couldn’t ask him.

“Don’t worry. This guy is good. Nothing like Hux.”

“Oh good!” he said, sarcastically, “I was  _ really _ worried that you were falling in love with General Hux. Thank you for saving me from these fears.” He paused and forced her to meet his gaze. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

“Yes,” she replied, without a second’s pause.

“Alright. Then I won’t push.”

“Thank you.”

“Just maybe try not to get hickeys all over your neck, alright?”

She laughed. “I didn’t mean to, but I will tell him to be careful.”

“Good.”

They fell into their easy conversation for a bit before he had to go back to his job. Occasionally, he would look at her too intensely, like he was trying to see something that he couldn’t see with his eyes. He must assume that the relationship with the mystery man was abusive, which it wasn’t. (Right?)

When Ohn’toh finally had to say goodbye (he had probably stayed longer than he was allowed to, honestly), he hugged her and whispered, “If things ever get bad, just tell me. I can help you.”

It seemed a little cryptic, and there was more to it than she knew, but it was sweet all the same. She knew Ohn’toh wasn’t interested in her like that, so it was pure, friendly protection, not possessiveness. “Thank you. I’ll keep it in mind.”

With that, he left her room, promising to bring her dinner later.

\---

She read for the rest of the night, curled up on her bed. Getting a real day of rest was feeling good, and she realized she hadn’t taken a day off since she got to the base. No weekends, no holidays, just training and fighting. It was lovely.

Ohn’toh brought her dinner later on and this time they ate together. She made sure to keep her mind open, letting Kylo see that Ohn’toh was there, so he wouldn’t walk in and get caught. She didn’t know when Kylo would be back, though, so she was in no rush to kick Ohn’toh out. The company was nice.

“Look,” he teased, “we’re not hanging out in the cantina.”

“I never expected to have two men in my room in one day,” she replied, “What will the base think of me!” She threw her arm over her head dramatically, making him laugh.

“Is your mysterious lover coming back tonight?” he asked, suddenly serious.

“I don’t know. Hopefully. We’ll see how things go.”

“Will he get… jealous of me in here?”

She almost laughed out loud. “No, god no. He trusts me, and he knows you aren’t trying anything. I mean, all we have done is hug, and you haven’t even glanced down. Besides, he… He wouldn’t get mad, if that’s what you are worried about.”

“Alright, alright. I’ll stop pushing. I just worry about you. You’re so new to everything here.”

“Hey, watch your tone, young man. I am older than you by 58 years!” she said, sternly.

“I completely forgot!” He blushed. “Sorry, ma’am.”

“I was kidding.”

“So was I.” He grinned at her.

They kept talking until nine in the night, when Ohn’toh said he really had to go. He had work the next day (unlike her). She wished him to have a good night, and curled back up in bed, reading.

Not a minute later, there was a knock at her door.  _ Kylo, _ she thought, grinning. Excitement bubbled through her as she hastened to the door.

The door slid open to reveal him, looking worn, but happy to see her. “Having the strength to kill my enemies is easier when I know that you will be here, so happy to see me.” One of his rare smiles graced his usually stern face.

She found herself blushing. “Sometimes I forget you can ‘hear’ me.”

“It’s a relief, honestly. I know that what you are thinking is real, and I am happy to hear it. Can I come in?”

“Yes, please.” She pulled him inside and closed the door behind him.

\---

From then on, they would fuck whenever they could. He would show up at her door in the middle of the night. They would leave a training session rosy and with clothes askew. There would be quickies at random meeting places all over the base. Kylo having the Force made meeting up so much easier. Either of them could think, “Are you free?” and the other could answer.

They had a missions all over the galaxy, trying to find the evasive Lor San Tekka, but he proved difficult to track. She had never been that invested in the search, so she was just happy to have an excuse to spend time with Kylo, even if that time was wearing on her morals. It didn’t get too bad though. She lost pieces of time on occasion, but he didn’t make her do anything too bad.

Sometimes, she would have nightmares. When Kylo wasn’t there, she would just try to meditate the anxiety away. It worked intermittently. When Kylo spent the night in her bed, he would calm her with the Force. She would only know it happened because the nightmare would suddenly dissipate, and she would be able to slip into a deeper unconsciousness. That worked much better.

They told no one about what they were doing. It wasn’t a relationship, per se, but they spent a lot of time together, mostly fighting enemies and fucking. If anyone had any suspicions, they kept it to themselves. Kylo didn’t share people’s opinions on their interactions, and she didn’t think she wanted to know. The most important part was that Hux and Ohn’toh didn’t know, and Kylo swore that they didn’t.

It was much easier to be one the  _ Finalizer _ then. She was (almost) never lonely, she was never bored, and she got fucked regularly. What more could she want?


	17. Everything Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Months pass, and Elia's situation completely changes.
> 
> Tags: Bound, held against will, Twi'lek, big reveal, flashback, everything is different now, don't know how this happened, a little hurt/comfort, he's formulating a plan, Ohn'toh loves her, and he is cannon asexual, queerplatonic relationship

**_Seven Months Later_ **

“Someone, please!!! Hello?!” Elia screamed, thrashing against her bindings. She was completely strapped down. Her wrists, ankles, waist, and wings were strapped to the inclined surface behind her. She didn’t know how she had gotten there.

She cycled through all the languages available to her, a surge of curse words pouring out as she did. There was no way out. Kylo couldn’t find her with the band she felt on her head. She didn’t even know who had found her. Was she going to die? She tugged at the restraints harder, even though it hurt.

“Miss Stone, please, calm down. Everything is fine,” a voice answered from the shadows.

“What? No the hell it isn’t! I am tied down!”

“That is for both your safety and mine. We are not going to hurt you.”

“Who’s we? Who are you?” Elia kept tugging. There had to be a weakness.

“You don’t need to know who we are. It will only blur things for you even more. Our goal is to help you.” The speaker stepped out into the light.

“Help m-?” Elia stopped mid-sentence. The speaker was an alien woman. Her skin was green like the grass back home, and though she looked humanoid, she had two tentacles growing from her skull, and cones where ears would be on a human. A sort of headdress was wrapped around her head, supporting the tentacles. It looked very fashionable.

“Ah, am I your first non-human, dear?” the woman asked.

“Yes, sorry. I don’t mean to stare. I just never thought I would get to see…”

“I understand. The Order is less than kind to non-humans. They call us aliens, even when on our planets. The  _ lekku _ can take some getting used to, but we aren’t that different.”

Elia just nodded, afraid to say anything rude.

“I have heard that you have been doubting the Order, Elia.”

Panic thrummed through her body. Was this an interrogation? Why wasn’t Kylo just doing it? Was he in trouble too? What the hell was happening?

She tried to keep her face calm and uninterested as she replied with, “No, not really. I mean, no more than the average person, I would think. The food could be better, but I am loyal to the Order. Completely.” Her voice was less confident than she would have liked.

“No, no, dear. Don’t misunderstand… We aren’t from the First Order.”

“Oh, so you’re Resistance then?” Elia spat on the ground next to her. “You won’t get anything from me.”

The non-human paced, considering her options. “Elia, please trust me. We are doing this to help you. You have been having memory loss, correct? Confusion? Brain fog? We think that something has happened, and we want to fix it.”

“Oh, so you can turn me into one of you?” Elia snapped, though doubt was creeping through her mind. She had been concerned with the direction of the First Order for a while. All those symptoms had been plaguing her for months, and they were getting steadily worse. She couldn’t believe them though. Kylo had warned her about something like this.

“No. We just want to free you from the Order’s clutches. We don’t think you know what they have been doing.”

“Of course I know!” Elia scoffed, “I’ve been going on the missions! I have been on almost every one.”

“Do you remember what happened? Or did your memory blank out at the end for some of them?”

Elia couldn’t reply to that, so she just kept her face neutral.

“How about this. Did you know that the Order destroyed five planets? It happened quite recently, but surely they must have told you of their plans.”

“Five planets? How is that even…?”

“Yes, five planets. Billions of lives were lost. Not just soldiers, civilians. An unfathomable number of people, gone.”

“How could they…? I mean, destroying a planet is impossible right?”

The non-human looked at Elia, startled. “You mean, you don’t know about the Death Star? I can understand them not telling you about the Starkiller Base, but the Death Star too?”

Her mind swam. The Order had weapons capable of destroying entire planets? How could she not have known? Unless it was a lie. They could be lying to her to try to make her turn.

Some part of her told it was the truth.

“You have to understand, the First Order wanted you loyal. They must have limited the information your datapad could access. They must have known that you wouldn’t be okay with death on a scale like that.”

“It can’t be true,” Elia whispered, “I don’t believe you.” She was trying to convince herself more than the woman before her.

“Elia, please. I promise we are just here to help you. We want to make it better, I know you have no reason to trust me, but please, you have to believe me.”

Elia said nothing, letting her gaze become unfocused on the wall in front of her. She couldn’t keep talking about this. It was making her uncomfortable, like the lid was about to come off of something huge.

“Fine, I guess, I will have to resort to plan B.” She pushed a button with a delicate green finger and said, “We’re ready for you.”

Elia fought the panic that was tearing through her mind. Were they going to torture her? She didn’t have any information for them, so she wouldn’t betray the Order, but could she survive torture?

She suddenly had an image of a chair just like the one she was in, with more harsh components. A tan man with brown hair was being tormented in the chair.  _ Poe in the Interrogation Chair _ . The words floated through her mind, like the name of a painting. She didn’t understand the context, but she knew Poe. He had been on Jakku. She had chased after him and… The rest was lost to her.

A door she couldn’t see opened with a hiss. What was it going to be?

“Don’t worry, Kasyda. I’ve got this,” a familiar voice said.

No… It couldn’t be. Elia craned her neck, trying to see the man’s face.

It was Ohn’toh.

\---

She woke up feeling wonderful. She remembered her nightmares (clawing, screaming, horror filled things that they were), but they seemed distant and meaningless. She felt completely fine.

Like most of her days off, she found herself at Ohn’toh’s door. He was always happy to see her (and, for some reason, relieved). He gave her an award winning grin, and she couldn’t help but to return it.

“Good morning, ‘Toh,” she said.

“Good afternoon, you mean,” he teased, pushing fabric through a sewing machine. (It looked nothing like sewing machine from back home, but that’s what it did.)

“Yeah, probably.” She shoved some things aside as plopped onto a chair that had been buried in cloth. She was no longer worried about bothering him.

“Rough battle last night?”

“I don’t really remember most of it. I hit my head.” She realized she hadn’t woken up with a head injury that morning, but then she remembered she hadn’t had a bullet wound either. The magic of technology.

“You don’t remember it…?”

This piqued her curiosity. “No… Why?”

“I heard from… someone who was there that you were rather… enraged?”

Something fluttered through her. For a moment, that fury overwhelmed her, though she didn’t know what she was angry at. Just as quickly, it faded. “Probably because I was shot, hit on the head, and we still didn’t get the map?”

“Yeah… That’s probably it…”

“Are you okay, ‘Toh? Seems like something is up.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just worry about you. You have been fighting a lot, and it seems to be taking a toll.”

“That’s true. It has been exhausting, but it will all be worth it when we get that map.”

“Do you know what the map is for?”

She paused, thinking it over. Her brain felt disturbingly fuzzy. “No, I guess I don’t know what it’s for.” She shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. I mean, it will lead us some place, but I don’t think it will be a wild goose chase like finding the map itself has been.”

“For your sake, I hope not.” He pointed to a stack of uniforms and linens.

She immediately began folding and sorting. Ohn’toh told her once that it would look better if she was helping, and she was happy to assuage any difficulties that might come from her friendship. They worked in silence for a bit, with Elia’s mind working over the whole Kylo situation. She wanted to talk to someone about what was happening, but Ohn’toh didn’t know who her man was, even after all these months. If he had known, she was sure he would have done something about it.

Ohn’toh, sensing her troubled contemplation, said, “Is everything alright?”

Elia sighed. He knew her too well, especially for someone without the Force. “Things are weird between me and the mystery man. Something feels off, and it has felt off for a long time. I really care about him, I might even…” she trailed off, unwilling to say it out loud.

“But?” he prompted.

“But… But everything is changing. Sometimes, I can’t get enough of him, and I worry that I am becoming too attached, and I don’t know if he feels the same way. What’s worse, is occasionally, I’ll get this, sort of, feeling in my stomach, and I don’t want to see him ever again.”

“Is it because he’s moving off base?”

“What?”

“I saw the order. He’s getting transferred in two days.”

“Who?”

“Jakyl,” Ohn’toh replied. He seemed so sure that he knew, that he was revealing this hidden knowledge for the first time.

“I’m not fucking Jakyl. Why the hell would I do that? I had to beat him up to make him leave me alone.”

Ohn’toh’s eyes widened, confusion spreading across his features. “It isn’t Jakyl?”

“No, god no.” She made a disgusted face. “I’m glad he’s leaving the base though. That’s good to know.”

“If not him, then who?”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “The point of the ‘mystery man’ is that he remains a mystery.”

“I know, but you don’t know anyone. Is it Hux?”

Her disgusted expression was magnified by the horror, and she pretended to gag.

“I guess not,” he said, laughing, “Who else… Um… One of the stormtroopers?”

“Yeah, that’s it. You got me. My ‘mystery man’ is actually FK-69420.”

“That isn’t a real designation.”

“Oh good! If it had been a real designation, that would have been awkward. Poor, innocent ‘trooper who’s never had sex in his life suddenly being investigated for code of conduct.”

“If you were fucking a ‘trooper, I wouldn’t report you,” he murmured solemnly, “But seriously, who could it be…”

“‘Toh, sweetheart, drop it. Please…” Desperation leaked into her voice, and their eyes met.

His jaw dropped as he figured it out, and he had to turn off the machine. “No…”

She feigned ignorance as best she could, though she had never been a good liar. “‘No,’ what?”

“You couldn’t have. You hate him. He literally tortured you.”

“What are you talking about?” she huffed. A tingly sensation of panic was crawling around her skull. She wanted to bolt, but that wouldn’t help anything.

“Your mystery man is Kylo Ren.”

“D-don’t be r-ridiculous,” she stammered, not even convincing herself.

Ohn’toh was suddenly beside her. He pushed a stray strand of hair out of her face and looked right into her eyes. “What happened during the last mission?”

She tried to remember, but the head injury had taken away a lot. She told him everything she could recollect, but stopped at the gap in her memory. Her mind went blank for a moment, foggy. The rest was lost to her.

Ohn’toh’s heavy gaze never left her, and it got sadder as she progressed in her story. She couldn’t understand why.

“I just hit my head…” she mumbled, “That’s why my memory is all foggy.”

He let out a strained breath of air, keeping his expression neutral. “Yeah, of course, that’s it...” His voice sounded strained. “Why are you dating Kylo Ren?”

“I’m not dating him,” she scoffed, “I’m fucking him.” She shrugged. “He’s good in bed and good to me. Well, most of the time. And who else is there? It’s not like we’re in love or anything.” She wasn’t lying when she said that. They weren’t in love together. She was in love alone, there was no doubt in her mind.

“A lack of options doesn’t mean you need to ‘fuck’ Kylo Ren! Do you know what he is capable of? Do you know what he has done?”

Something in her knew Ohn’toh was right, but she still became defensive. “I’m not marrying the guy! I’m just letting off some damn steam. When I got to this base, I hadn’t done it in over a decade! My husband didn’t want to do it anymore, because I looked 25 and he looked his age. I don’t begrudge him that, but it was isolating. I was lonely! And I’m not lonely anymore.”

“You’re not lonely anymore? Then why are you here?” Ohn’toh asked, coldly.

The truth of that sentence stabbed her in the gut. She was lonely all the time. When she was with Kylo, it was like she could breathe again, but without him… She tried to hide it from her face, but Ohn’toh’s increasing frown told her that she was unsuccessful.

He let all the anger and irritation drip away from him. “I’m sorry. This isn’t helping.” He wrapped his arms around her and held her close to him. She clung to his middle, taking solace in the comfort he was providing. This was as close to happy she felt without Kylo by her side.

“I am falling in love with him Ohn’toh, and I don’t want to leave him,” she murmured into his shoulder, “But…” She trailed off, unable to finish the sentence. She honestly didn’t know what the “but” was, but she could feel it.

He shushed her and pet her hair. “I know, hon, I know.”


	18. Ice Planet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elia remembers.
> 
> Tags: Trapped, mild interrogation, big reveal part 2: electric boogaloo, That's Not How the Force Works, flashback, lost memory, repressed memory, trauma mention, graphic depictions of violence, blood, animal death, explosion, grenade, force persuasion, force trick, jedi mind trick, manipulation.

“Ohn’toh? What are you doing here? Did they get to you too? Why aren’t you locked up?” The questions poured out of her uncontrollably, too fast to get real answers. As she spoke, she realized that he probably hadn’t been captured like she had. She was dangerous, but she couldn’t imagine any situation where an Order member, even a tailor, could be allowed to roam free.

Ohn’toh looked good. She hadn’t seen him since that last conversation. His hair had grown out, and he looked much more relaxed. She hadn’t realized how tense he had been until she saw him like this.

“I’m sorry, Elia. I would have told you sooner, but as you said, you work with a mind reader. I couldn’t trust you around Kylo Ren, even though I knew you would never turn me in on purpose.”

“Of course I wouldn’t! I-” She cut herself off before she confessed her doubts. It had to be a trick somehow.

“Hon, please, you have to believe me. We did this all for you. The only reason you are tied down is so we can explain.”

“We? We?!” Her brain started flipping through her memories with Ohn’toh, picking up clues she was too naive and/or ignorant to notice. “You were with the Resistance the whole time?!”

“The whole time I knew you, yes, but I was loyal to the Order at first. I got turned by some of the actions they took. I watched the propaganda contradict itself before my eyes and I woke up. I have been feeding the New Republic information for a few years now.”

“How did Kylo Ren not figure you out?”

“Minor neural implant. I could store secrets there with the rest of my mind wide open. I was careful to hide only real secrets, and nothing else. He could see every embarrassing thought. Makes it more believable, but less fun.”

Elia leaned back in the interrogation chair. She would have loved to have one of those neural bands when she had been around Kylo. Forgetting all the negative things she had been feeling about the Order was exhausting. “Did you feed them information on me…?”

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

“Was that why you were nice to me when we first met?” She couldn’t look at him. If the Order had done what “Kasyda” had said, she couldn’t go back to them, but the Resistance had been spying on her for so long… They knew too much about her already. She probably couldn’t go back to the Order even if she wanted to.

“No. I had no idea how important you were going to become. I was just worried for you. What I said wasn’t a lie. I thought you were going to be experimented on, or worse… I just wanted to give you a good thing before you died. Then you came back, and my contacts wanted to know about the new weapon…”

“I told you everything! I told you so much shit! God dammit!” She started cursing in French, so he couldn’t understand her, something like “Why in God’s heavenly hairy anus did I trust this sack of foreskins?”

“You didn’t tell me enough,” Ohn’toh began.

“Oh, and now you need to torture the rest out of me? Some ‘friend’ you are.”

“No, Elia. If you had told me more, I could have gotten you out sooner. I knew something was up with you, I knew you were losing yourself. If had known…”

“You would have what? ‘Saved’ me? Did it ever occur to you that I  _ like _ fucking him?"

Ohn’toh took a moment to control himself. “I know you liked it. You probably would be willing right now, were he here. But what happened on Yalnan? Korcusby? Ijido? Olbek? Jakku?”

“I went to the planet, kicked various ass, and returned without the map.”

“Do you remember anything else? In fact, from what I gather, your memory has been getting progressively fuzzy for the last six or seven months. You told me for a fact that you didn’t know what happened after a certain point on Jakku.”

She could feel him getting close to something, something she didn’t know if she could handle. “I hit my head…”

“Yes, that’s what you said. Do you remember anything specific about each planet? About  _ leaving _ each planet, or is it lost to you? You got ‘injured’ like this on all five of them!!"

“So, you’re point is that I am incredibly unlucky?”

“No, my point is that it’s all a lie. How did you get hit in the head while flying above the sands of Jakku? You told me after Yalnan that you had been knocked out by the explosion, but there is no record of that!”

She could feel the understanding bubbling to the surface. She had this feeling often, and usually, right before the bubble burst, it would dissolve, harmlessly. Everything became sharper, almost painfully bright, like she hadn’t been seeing before. It was becoming too much for her. Why wasn’t it going away?

Finally, the bubble burst. She suddenly realized that she was really in the Resistance base, talking to Ohn’toh and ‘Kasyda.’ She had been living on the  _ Finalizer _ for the past months, and she had been sleeping with Kylo Ren. They were all facts she had known, but suddenly, it clicked in her mind that it was  _ real, _ and it had all happened.

It was too much to handle. Memories of Yalnan tore through her, the turning point of the discussion. At first, they were a jumbled mess, but then they lined up, and she remembered.

\---

“It’s so fucking cold here,” Elia complained under her breath.

“It’s an ice planet, of course it’s cold,” Kylo pointed out.

“If we are aware of how cold it is, why the hell aren’t we properly clothed for the weather. Or, actually, why am  _ I _ not properly clothed for the weather?”

“You’ll warm up when the fighting starts.”

“God dammit,” she muttered. Even the stormtroopers had winter uniforms. She was freezing. It was weird for her to be this cold, but the planet was an unfathomable temperature. She was sure someone could tell her the exact degrees, but they wouldn’t mean anything to her.

Yalnan was a giant ball of ice. When she had seen it from the AAL, she was stunned. There was nothing but the blues and whites of frozen water. When they landed, she saw various animals (all white) and plants (also white). It was monotonous in a new way, and cold. The snow made the world silent, so that each footstep and breath sounded as loud as jet engines.

She had no idea why they were here, unless it was to find Lor San’s frozen corpse.

A small creature scurried past, the icicles on its skin clinking slightly. It looked like a tiny bear with bobcat ears. It was super cute, which helped break up the monotony. Several more of them skittered past, barely glancing at their group. She wondered what their furscicles felt like.

Finally, they came across an outcropping of what looked like quartz. The crystals were pure white, whereas on Earth they would have been stained. She had to admit, the planet would have a certain beauty if it wasn’t freezing.

“This is it,” Kylo whispered, creeping up on the crystal formation. Below the shelf, there was a small hole, barely large enough to fit a person through.

“Are you sure?”

Kylo said nothing in reply, instead gesturing at one of the stormtroopers. The ‘trooper threw a couple of grenades in the hole and jumped back. Kylo pulled Elia back with the rest of the ‘troopers, while her brain was still processing the grenades.

(This was where her memory normally cut off. She assumed she had been hit by debris. This time, her memory continued forward.)

The explosion was  _ loud _ . Snow and icicles fell in an avalanche for as far as the eye could see. Screams of pain and agony echoed through the rocks below, and the sound of glass scratching glass abraded her mind.

Thankfully, everyone in their party was fine. The area they had run to was out in the open, so the sudden snowfall hadn’t buried them more than a few inches. The entrance to the cave was a wide-open mouth torn into the side of the rocks. The ice had been thrown away from it, and some of it had even melted (though it was refreezing as she watched).

Kylo silently led them to the now wide crack in the quartz, trudging through new snow and ice. He never once slipped, which was better than she or the ‘troopers could say.

The hole led to a system of caves, much bigger than she could have imagined. It was beautiful. Quartz on all sides, with some impurities of more precious crystals and metals toward the back. There were stairs that led down into a great chamber, brilliant with unnatural lighting. She suddenly forgot about the cold, examining the natural and unnatural beauty that had been made in this cavern. Eventually, her eyes were drawn from the high ceilings to the floor.

It was chaos.

Huge chunks of quartz had rained down on the unsuspecting group of soldiers. Almost everyone in the chamber was dead, and the once pure quartz now reflected their blood like a prism. The few who were alive weren’t going to last long. She couldn’t even tell how many there had been. The whole floor was covered in shards of crystal.

The source of the glass on glass sound was from the bobcat bears. Several of them were screaming helplessly, trying desperately to escape from the huge weight on them. A few were free, trying to lift the rocks off of their fallen friends. She watched them die, one after another. The ones who were not trapped eventually ran away from the Order’s approach, like they knew whose fault the explosion had been.

“What was the purpose of this…?” she asked Kylo, feeling the weight of all the death crushing her.

He did not deign to answer her. He picked his way around the bodies of the bobcat bears, searching through the soldiers until he found one that was alive.

The soldier’s leg was crushed under its crystalline prison, but he was otherwise unharmed. Clearly, his pain was terrible. She could see him going into shock.

Kylo didn’t bother talking to the poor man, he just used the Force to rip information from the soldier’s fading mind. She could see him getting angrier, clenching his fist and thumbing his lightsaber. Finally, as the Resistance soldier collapsed to the ground, Kylo sliced off his head. He then turned on heel and headed back up the stairs.

Elia didn’t know what to do. None of the Resistance members in the chamber were free. If she left them, they would die slowly. If she killed them, she would have murdered helpless people. If she freed them, she would have betrayed the Order. She was rooted to the spot.

Footsteps approached from behind, and she cringed away from them. “Your ‘morals’ are becoming quite a nuisance,” Kylo said, “How many times do I have to tell you that they are the enemy?”

“This isn’t a good death,” was all she could say.

“No death is a ‘good death.’”

“I can’t keep doing this…”

He stepped in front of her, “Let me help you, like last time.”

She found herself shaking. She didn’t want to lose her way, but she didn’t want to die either. It wasn’t Kylo’s fault that she hadn’t known the Resistance’s wrath like he had. She knew he was right. At least she thought she did.

He didn’t wait for her answer before he caressed her cheek. Power poured into her skull, warm and inviting. It was as close to love as she ever felt from him. “Everything will be alright, Elia. We did what had to be done.”

He had said this to her before, and her brain had always accepted it. This time, it couldn’t. This wasn’t right. The Resistance weren’t so bad that she could excuse all she had witnessed. The two thoughts couldn’t coexist, even with the magic.

Kylo hesitated, unsure of what was happening. She didn’t know either. The power didn’t stop, and her brain folded in on itself. It bent to accommodate. She couldn’t handle the knowledge, so her brain hid it away, like it had done with her trauma countless times.

Everything became fuzzy, then black. Finally,  _ pop _ . Her eyes popped open, and the world slid into focus. She couldn’t see what was behind Kylo, and some part of her told her that she didn’t want to see.

“What happened?” she mumbled, “Did I get knocked out by the explosion?”

She felt Kylo raking through her memories, looking for something she couldn’t name. After several moments of this, he finally said, “Yes. Are you feeling alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry I missed out on helping the mission.”

“It’s fine. It wasn’t your fault.”

\---

The memory had rolled over her like a tidal wave, suffocating and heavy. When she came out of it, she found herself gasping, shaking, and horrorstruck. How much had she lost? Had Kylo known the entire time?

Tears were streaming down her cheeks, unbidden. There was more. She could feel it burbling beneath the surface.

“What the fuck was that?” she sputtered, her voice weak and pitchy.

Kasyda and Ohn’toh both looked as shocked as she was. They hadn’t seen what she had seen. All they had seen was her thrashing against the bindings before gasping awake.

“I… I have a theory…” Ohn’toh said, finally.

“That Kylo tried using Force persuasion on me to the point my brain couldn’t handle it, so it hid huge chunks of time from me for its own safety? I got that, thanks,” she snapped, “Why did it show me  _ now? _ ”

“Well, Force persuasion isn’t permanent. It eventually wears off, causing disorientation and confusion. Usually it isn’t as complicated as what he was apparently doing.” Ohn’toh started pacing. “Kylo isn’t a controlled Force user. It leaks out of him, like how his lightsaber is barely contained. We think, we were hoping, that once removed from his sphere of influence, the persuasion would be broken.”

“You were hoping that I would have to relive  _ that?! _ ” she growled, anger barely contained. Her fury melted away more of the confusion, and sick realization came to her. “Wait, is that why I felt so much better when I was around him?”

“If the theory is correct, then yes. The gaps and fuzziness would be least noticeable when close to him.”

“Did he know? Did he know what he was doing?!” she asked, fearing the answer.

Ohn’toh and Kasyda exchanged a look. “We don’t know.”

Elia lay back in the chair, suddenly exhausted. Snapshots of information passed through her mind, useless without context, but horrifying. The tsunami had passed, but the waves were still crashing against her. “He must have known at least a little bit,” she whispered, mostly to herself.


	19. To the Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another memory tears Elia down, and she makes a new decision.
> 
> Tags: POV change, nightmares, trauma, memory loss, abandonment issues, Miss them despite abuse, flashback, dreams, murder, death, war, punching the feelings away, blood, self-harm, hallucinations, force projection, force persuasion, that's not how the Force works, queer platonic partners, cuddling, non-sexual cuddling, tactile comfort

Elia passed out shortly after her revelations, leaving Ohn’toh and Kasyda alone in their horror.

“It was much worse than I thought,” Kasyda murmured.

“It’s worse than I thought too. It isn’t her fault, but her brain did it, not Kylo . I don’t think even Kylo Ren could have seen that coming,” Ohn’toh replied.

“Was she right? Did he know?”

“He couldn’t have been completely ignorant to what was happening. He could see into her head. He might not have understood it, but he knew  _ something _ was happening.” Ohn’toh felt himself getting angry. Elia deserved so much more than all this.

“You said she loves him…”

“She does. Or she did.”

“Poor thing.”

They released her restraints and carried her to a cot that had been put in the room. The door to the room had intense locking mechanisms, so they had no fears of her breaking out. Ohn’toh carefully laid a blanket over her sleeping form, trying to make her as comfortable as possible. He hoped they would be able to let her out soon, but, with whatever she was remembering, she wouldn’t be safe outside.

\---

Elia didn’t sleep well. Nonsensical nightmares left her tossing and turning, and part of her was aware that she wasn’t in her bed. Her dreams hadn’t been this bad in a long time, and she felt her brain calling out for him over and over.

He never came.

She knew he hadn’t abandoned her, but she needed him. It was too much. Part of her knew that he could take it away, but he couldn’t hear her. He couldn’t find her. She was alone.

After an unknown amount of time, she woke with a start, her eyes staring out into an unfamiliar room. She was drenched in a cold sweat and shaky. What…?

Everything came back in a rush, and the cold went to her core. At least she wasn’t locked up anymore.

She curled under the blanket, trying and failing to cover her whole body. She didn’t feel safe in this place, but what good would her wings be? They had clearly tied them down after knocking her out. They wouldn’t have any trouble doing it again. On the other hand, what if they weren’t lying? What if they really were here to help her, and Kylo had done what she had remembered?

She started to retract her wings in silence, curled around herself. They had been out for a long time, it seemed, and they were more reluctant than usual. It was a fight, one she was winning, but barely. A sob escaped her, something that never happened. She was pretty sure this was hell. There were more memories waiting to be unburied, and despite it all, some part of her still wanted Kylo to be there.

After quietly laying there for a while, Ohn’toh came in with food. It reminded her of the time she had been put on mandatory leave, except the food smelled better and the circumstances were worse. Her “mystery man” wouldn’t be coming after the food was gone.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Ohn’toh asked gently.

“Awful.” Still, she got up, blanket still wrapped around her shoulders, and took the food from him. It looked better, too, like real food.

He pulled a chair over and sat across from her. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean what you remembered.”

She glared at him. “For information? I promise you there is nothing useful there.”

“No, Elia, come on. I am still your friend. I convinced them to do all this for you. I want to know what happened so I can help you through it.”

She ignored him, instead focusing on her food. It was surprisingly delicious. She couldn’t remember the last time she had had real meat and fresh veggies.

“You don’t have to tell me, but if you want to, I am here.”

“Duly noted,” she replied callously.

She refused to say anything more to him, even after she finished her food. She just curled back into a ball, facing the wall, and lay there. Ohn’toh left after some time, clearing away her food.

For days, her routine would be the same. Ohn’toh brought her three meals and tried talking to her, but she wouldn’t say anything. She would eat and lie back down. When she was alone, she would do some isometric exercise, trying to maintain some of the strength she had. Her wings grew restless from being cooped up, but she couldn’t fly. She released them a few times and stretched them out. She considered talking, just so they would let her out for a flight, but decided against it.

Despite it all, she kept the neural band on. She did not like where she was, but with the new memories of Yalnan, she couldn’t go back either.

Most of her energy was spent not remembering anything new. She didn’t want to know. She didn’t know if she could handle it. Anytime the feeling started, she would do something else to cut it off.

This was her routine for almost a week, until she remembered something in her dreams.

\---

Elia gasped awake, the nightmare tearing through her. She had been standing on the sands of Jakku, watching in horror as everyone was slaughtered. Stormtroopers lined up and fired, killing everyone, young to old. Fires raged on the sands, and all she could do was watch, helpless even to scream.

The dream dissipated quickly, however, and all she was left with was an uneasy feeling in her gut.

She found herself crying. She was alone. Kylo hadn’t been able to come to her room the night before, and for once she was thankful. She couldn’t pinpoint why, but she really didn’t want to be around him. Some alone time would be good for her, she hoped. Her mind was frazzled from the battle yesterday. She couldn’t quite remember what happened after a certain point.

A lot of anxious energy was coursing through her, so she decided for some voluntary training. For some reason, she wanted to hit something.

The training room was empty, as it usually was. There weren’t any punching bags, so she jerry rigged one out of a weighted sacks, hanging it from the ceiling. The nervous energy was growing, and she felt like she was going to burst, even though she had released her wings. The order of the day was inconsistent, and she was becoming more jittery.

She had never done boxing or any kind of hand to hand fighting, but she knew she needed to protect her hands. She went back to her room and tore off strips from her old t-shirt (that she was still keeping for some reason), wrapping her hands in the strips of cloth as she walked. By the time she reached the training room, she was more than ready.

The weighted sack was heavier than a traditional punching bag, she assumed, but she didn’t care. She fell into the stance she had seen in the movies and started punching.

It hurt more than she expected, but it felt good. She didn’t know who the bag was supposed to be, but she wanted to destroy them. She flipped between incoherent rage and abject despair, punching all the while. It was violent, but cathartic. The pain felt good, deserved.

After several minutes of unhindered punching on the bag, she realized that she was crying again. She didn’t know why. The pain wasn’t bad enough for tears (it was nothing compared to the wings), but she couldn’t stop. She attacked the thing with a renewed vigor, trying to punch away the anguish that was surging through her. The tears kept falling.

Finally, after one particularly painful blow, she fell to her knees. Her knuckles were sore, and she wanted to do something. She wanted to fight. She wanted to scream. She wanted to fly across a planet. (When was the last time she had done that?)

She looked down at her hands and saw she was bleeding. The blood was soaking through the rags of her t-shirt quickly. The sight of blood on her hands was horrifying to her, and she fell back on her ass and scooted away from the makeshift punching bag, as if that would leave the bleeding behind. It would be easy to stem the flow, but she didn’t want to. She sat on the floor, hugging her knees, with her wings wrapped around her, and bled.

After some time, Kylo appeared in front of her. “Elia?”

“Over here,” she called. She was much calmer now. The panic attack seemed to have passed, but she still hadn’t made any effort to mend her wounds.

Kylo strode across the room, finding her scale-shielded body easily. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Just, the battle yesterday… I don’t know… I just wanted to punch something.”

He flicked through her memories quickly, going back farther than she would have thought necessary, and sighed in relief. “Don’t worry. You got hit on the head right after that, which is probably where all this is coming from. Falling on the battlefield, especially from that height, must have been taxing. Come on, let me help you.”

That made sense. The order of yesterday’s events fit with that, and she felt her brain reorganizing to accommodate the information. She unwrapped herself and held out her hand, so he could pull her up.

He didn’t comment on her bleeding knuckles. He just helped her up and embraced her. She felt warm and safe, like she always did in his arms. The residual flutteriness faded as warmth poured into her, and she relaxed. “There you go,” he murmured, voice as warm as the rest of him, “Now, let’s heal up those wounds.”

She pulled away from him, walking to the punching bag and retracting her wings as she went. The process still hurt, but she did it so often (and needed it to do it so quickly), that she didn’t even have to pause. After releasing them while falling from the sky, walking was no big thing. She pulled the bag down as her wings fully disappeared, and she lay it back on the stack of sacks. By the time she returned to Kylo, everything was back to normal. Her hands were still a little sore, but they were just old, scabbed bruises now.

She felt ridiculous over her little breakdown. This wasn’t the first time it had happened. She couldn’t fight it, and she hated feeling so weak all the time. Kylo was always there to make it better, but she didn’t like being a burden on him.

“You are not a burden on me,” he countered, “War is hard. We need to be there for each other.”

With that, he disappeared, just faded away into nothing. She didn’t know if it was a Force projection or just something in her mind, but this wasn’t the only time it had happened. She remembered how scared she was the first time, how alone, but now it was par for the course. She could never remember it until it happened, but it was helpful either way. It seemed to be a subroutine in her mind. She found comfort in it (now). He was incredibly busy, and he couldn’t always be there for her. The idea that he would help her in this way was sweet (even if it left her feeling a little lonely sometimes).

The rage and anguish that had filled her with such purpose had drained out of her, leaving her feeling hollow and empty. This was the next step in the process, as always. Rest and reset. She trudged back to her room, suddenly exhausted. All she needed to do was sleep, and it would all be better. She would be allowed to forget again.

She had only been awake for a few hours, but when she hit the sheets, she passed out immediately. She didn’t dream.

\---

Elia woke from the dream filled with a startling clarity. She had to tell them everything. She needed to know how much Kylo had done to her. Force persuasion was tricky, but what had that been? She still didn’t know.

Ohn’toh came with the first meal of the day only a few minutes later. Perfect timing.

“Good morning, Elia,” he said, as always. He didn’t expect a reply. It was just routine at this point.

“I’m ready.”

He almost dropped the tray at the sound of her voice. “What?”

“I’m ready to tell you what I remembered.”

He set the food on her lap and gingerly sat in the chair. “Go ahead.”

She told him everything she had remembered about Yalnan, and then the mysterious memory from her dream. He commented that he had seen her with healing knuckles many times, so the memory fit.

After she told him everything she had already recalled, new memories started surfacing about Korcusby. They worked through each together, and as he held her hand and helped her through the painful information, she regained her trust in him.

Kasyda eventually brought lunch, then dinner, when she realized what was happening, but didn’t stay long. Elia was thankful. The Resistance had to be listening, but it was easier to pretend if she couldn’t see them.

It was a long day, full of heartache and frustration. She had lost a lot more time than she had thought. There were a lot of missions where nothing had gone wrong, and she knew what happened until the end, but having memories selectively removed was awful.

At the end of the day, she curled up on the bed, exhausted. Ohn’toh stayed with her, and they platonically spooned throughout the night.

They spent the next several days working through the rest of the lost planets. Ijido, Olbek, and a few she hadn’t ever learned the name for. It was grueling work, and more often than not she would have to turn in early. Sometimes Ohn’toh would stay for comfort. Other times, he could not. She was fine either way. It just meant so much to her that someone cared. He didn’t want her sexually, but she felt like he loved her. It was the closest to real love that she had felt since her husband died.


	20. Jakku

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories of Jakku send Elia over the edge.
> 
> Tags: Force communication, flashback, concurrent with TFA (spoilers), abuse, abusive relationship, fear, gunshot wound, blaster bolt wound, murder, the destruction of Tuanal, killing all the villagers, murder, death, fire, trauma, mental manipulation, Force persuasion, Jedi mind tricks, That's Not How the Force Works, lack of consent, escapism, turning sides.

Kylo Ren had been looking for Lor San Tekka for too long. Elia wasn’t sure when his search began, but it had been months since they found out his name, and Kylo had been searching before that. His impatience grew with every failed mission. Sometimes he couldn’t come to her room because of his angry. He didn’t want to hurt her in a fit of rage. It scared her that it was a possibility, but at least he was preventing it.

This was it though. Lor San was on Jakku. There was no doubt about it. Preliminary stealth troops had confirmed that he was in the village of Tuanal. This was the last time they would be looking for him. She was sure of it. She could feel it in her bones. Everything was about to change.

Kylo Ren strode out ahead, robes billowing around him. Stormtroopers poured from either side of him. The sun was setting, painting the sands with a bronzy tone. He was putting on quite a show for this man.

_ Elia, focus please. _ Kylo force projected the thought into her mind.

_ Sorry, Kylo. Where do you want me? _

_ Circle above, look for anyone who is trying to escape. Lor San might have given the map to a trusted friend. I will  _ not  _ lose it this time. _

_ Yes, sir! _ She blinked a few times, realigning herself with the world around her. Force communication was distracting, and she always found herself to completely separate from reality when she did it. That was why she was clinging to the top of the ship, folded into a dark ball. No one could see her there.

She launched herself off the roof and took to the skies. Her eyesight was no better than any normal human, so she stayed only a few yards above the fighting, scanning the faces below. She had learned not to truly see the humans she was looking at. They were just enemies, things that needed to die. If she saw them as people, then…

There was movement to her left! She banked, pursuing the movement as fast as she could, which was faster than they could run. He tried though, refusing to give up even as she caught up. He pumped his legs, straining himself, to try to get away.

She was faster. She pulled ahead and dropped in front of him. He skidded to a halt, almost crashing into her, and tried to turn, but she grabbed his arm. She spun him around to reveal a dusty man, slightly terrified and easy on the eyes.

He started to fight her off, but she gripped his arm harder, saying, “That’s enough of that.”

“You can’t honestly expect me not to fight.”

“It would make it easier for both us, so yes, I can.”

He eyed her wings, silhouetted by the setting sun, and let out a low whistle. “So, you’re the secret weapon, huh? Not what I was expecting.”

“That’s kind of the point isn’t it?” she said.

“I suppose it is…” He tried to tug away again, so she dug her fingers into his arm until he winced.

“What’s your name?” she asked when he stopped fidgeting.

“Uh, I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”

She debated with herself for a moment, before finally replying, “Fine. My name is Elia Stone. You?”

“Poe Dameron. I would say it’s nice to meet you, but it’s not.”

She bit back the smile. Poe was an interesting change of pace, but it didn’t matter. He was an enemy and she had to be serious. “Well, Mr. Dameron, would you like to explain why you were running?”

“Running is good exercise,” he replied, “And please, call me Poe.”

She rolled her eyes. “Come now, Poe. Don’t treat me like I’m stupid.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, you’re right. I don’t have to tell you. You’re ripped!”

She jerked his arm, tired of his japes. “Where is the map?” she demanded, coldly. She felt Kylo in her voice as she said it, but Poe didn’t seem to care.

“I can tell you honestly that I don’t know. I don’t have it.”

“You  _ lost _ it?!”

“No, of course not! I hid it so well even I don’t know where it is anymore.” He gave her a dazzling grin. He would be more charming if he wasn’t actively preventing the success of her mission. She didn’t know how much longer Kylo could maintain his composure if they didn’t find the stupid map.

She narrowed her eyes, opening her wings and fully extending the claws. “You are wasting my time. I don’t appreciate that. I need to find that fucking map. Where is it?” She tried to paint her voice with power, but a small measure of desperation leaked through.

His eyes widened slightly, and the amused expression slid off his face. He seemed to feel bad for her. “I honestly don’t know, Elia. I’m sorry.” He shrugged, trying to slip back into his care free facade. “Could be anywhere by now. If I can’t find it, you definitely can’t.”

She wanted to strike him. The desire hit her so suddenly that it shocked her. She was going to have to tell Kylo she failed. She almost resisted, but it would feel so good to hit this man. Slap him right across the face for foiling the Order’s plan.

A stray blaster bolt interrupted her thoughts, slamming full force into her shoulder. She was thrown off balance, pitched to the sands below her. Poe started to fall with her, but he pulled free and started running again.

Instead of running away like she would expect, he ran right for Kylo Ren. Poe aimed to kill him, she could see it as she righted herself. It had all been a distraction. The real person with the map was probably far away from the battlefield by now, and this Poe had successfully stalled her. Her rage had her tearing up into the sky, ready to kill anything that got in her way. She fired a volley at him, but in her anger, she missed. She settled for warning Kylo with her mind.

As she got higher, she witnessed Kylo kill Lor San. She felt some relief. At least the chase for Lor San, the previously unknown man, was over. Kylo was still searching for the map, but at least the focus would be different. Hopefully that would make it easier on him, and her.

He flipped around just in time to stop Poe’s blaster bolt in its tracks, an impressive, if pointless, display of power. Even through Poe’s rigid, Force-controlled stance, she could see his shock and horror at the power of Kylo Ren.

Kylo had the situation well in hand, so she searched the outskirts of the battle, trying to find someone who wasn’t running in a panic, someone who was running with an aim, but there was no one like that. People of all ages and genders were screaming and tearing through the village, trying to escape the invading force. It tugged at her heartstrings, so she ignored it. She watched from a distance as Poe was taken aboard the transporter, bound in some way.

Something was happening, but she couldn’t see it. Her vision faded, and she couldn’t focus. Everything went dark.

(Then, like a projector screen starting up, the blackness flashed, once, twice, three times, and the story continued.)

Kylo gave an order, and the stormtroopers formed up. She knew what the order was before they started firing, but she was too far away to prevent the horror. Despite this, she cried out, begging them to stop. The only person to pay attention was Poe. She couldn’t discern his expression with the distance, but she knew she wouldn’t like it. He probably thought she was on his side. She just didn’t want the villagers to die.

The ‘troopers didn’t take orders from her, so the attack continued without interruption. The locals had no real defenses, especially against the Order, so they fell. She watched the entire village die from her vantage point high in the sky. She watched parents try to shield their children and fail. She watched people crying over the bodies of loved ones, only to be killed themselves. She watched in horror as the mission revealed its sinister underbelly.

In that moment, she saw the Order for what it really was. Everything Ohn’toh had said, all she had seen, everything she had been taught, they all clicked together. The Order was wrong, and she was sleeping with the man who had killed an entire village of people out of spite. It was a crushing blow, and she lost control, falling back to the ground.

Her landing was graceless, and she stumbled forward a few steps before finally she finally collapsed to her knees. The destruction was all around her. Flames ate the oxygen, making it hard to breathe. The wailing came from all sides, and it tore through her. She could hear every voice, even over the sounds of blaster bolts and crackling fire.

She knelt there, in the destruction she had helped create, and suppressed everything. She was Kylo’s. He would not let her go. This was the life she had. There was no escape. She had no escape. A scream ripped its way out of her before she could stop it. One final despair expressing itself before she desperately tried to move on.

After several minutes, she stood, brushed the dirt off her knees, and walked to the transporter.

Kylo was waiting for her on board. “Elia, are you alright? You seem to be injured.”

The bound Poe was sitting close by, and realization clicked in his eyes. Now he knew her dirty secret. It had become a dirty secret. But Poe didn’t quip about anything, not this time. He seemed to know better.

Kylo was looking at her expectantly, though his mask obstructed the view.

“I am injured, but otherwise fine,” she lied. She found her seat and let her gaze fall nowhere.

After the transporter took off, Kylo’s voice entered her mind,  _ They were harboring him. They knew what they were doing. I have to show that the Order doesn’t tolerate subversion. _

She kept her expression neutral, though her emotions were roiling inside her. It was mostly fury, but there was a strong undercurrent of despair.  _ No one deserves to die like that.  _ **_No one._ ** _ How could you do that? Do you have no control if I am not there to ‘temper’ you?! _

_ There are things that must be done. _

_ They would have been more afraid if you had left them alive. You could have even killed a few as a statement. You already killed Lor San in front of their eyes. How is this going to spread fear? Dead men tell no tales. _

There was no response for a moment. Finally, he thought,  _ I cannot be weak. I cannot be afraid to kill those who deserve it. I cannot fail the Order. I cannot become a Jedi again. It would ruin everything. _

_ So you fail the Order if you don’t casually murder children? _

_ Elia, t _ _ hey were the enemy. They would stand between the Order, between us, and success. They already did. We did not get the map. _

She said nothing in reply, seething quietly. How could anyone kill children? How could he have ordered that? Even one of the stormtroopers had seemed to against it, and they are all brainwashed.

A power crawled through her skull, and she didn’t notice it until it was too late. It told her that the deaths were necessary. It told her those children would have become enemies anyway. It told her that what had been done was justified.

Her brain fought, twisting against it. Children weren’t enemies! She couldn’t believe that.

He pushed harder. He was forcing her brain to hide this memory from her. He wasn’t trying to convince her that children were enemies. He knew that he couldn’t. The aim was to warp her mind. That was his goal. She could feel the memory warping and crumpling, becoming nothing.

Finally, it was gone. The last thing she remembered was a desperate, impotent fury. She was helpless to him, and she was exhausted. That feeling was a muck that soaked into her bones. She felt it, despite the hidden memory. He couldn’t get rid of it, no matter how he tried.

\---

She came out of the memory screaming.

There were hands on her, holding her down. She fought against them with all her strength, but she was exhausted and horrified.

“Elia! ELIA!” Ohn’toh was gripping her right shoulder. “Elia, it’s okay.”

She stopped struggling, letting her body go limp. “Oh God, he knew! He knew what he was doing!”

Someone brought her some water, and she downed it shakily. She couldn’t tell if she was more furious, horrified, or scared. After taking a few minutes to calm down, she shared the story with him. It poured out of her, and she couldn’t stop once she started, not until she finally finished the tale.

“Oh, Elia, I’m so sorry.”

“I need to get out of here,” she murmured.

The doors opened, and she slipped out before anyone could stop her. Her feet slapped on the cold stone ground as she ran through the base. She would find an exit eventually, and, for that moment, even just running was enough. She just wanted to move.

The people of the base started guiding her, encouraging her foray into the outside world. She finally burst through the front doors, welcomed by a huge roaring sun.

It was hot on the planet, but she didn’t care. She could breathe the fresh air. She could feel the red-grey sand squishing beneath her feet. She could feel the wind buffeting against her. Hot air is wonderful for flying.

She was off the ground in moments, tearing through the sky as fast as she could. It felt so good. It felt like she was clearing away all the nastiness that he had left in her head. She already had the coping mechanisms from her prior life, all she needed to do was start all over again. Now, she was free to do it.

Hours later, as the sun finished setting and the sands became dark, she landed in front of the great stone shelf that hid the base. She was pretty filthy from flying through sandstorms and sweating, but she stood proud and tall. By their reaction, she could tell they hadn’t expected her to come back.

Ohn’toh opened the door, shock playing across his face. “What are you doing here? What happened?”

“I’ve thought about it, and I have to atone for the things I did with the Order. I would like to join the Resistance.”


	21. There's No Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being in hiding, Kylo finally finds Elia.
> 
> Tags: Stalking, defense, arguing, fighting, suicide mention, suicide mission, some spoilers for The Last Jedi, sort of follows TLJ, but not really, touches on only one part honestly, Snoke, fighting, war, battle, death

**_One Year Later_ **

“Our reports indicate that Ilyani is going to be attacked. The Order is on their way,” Kasyda announced to the room.

Elia froze, but tried to remain casual. She had a reputation as the fearless woman. Her feats while with the Order had made her something of a folktale, and when they turned out to be true, people had expectations. They couldn’t know how terrified she was. It was almost true that nothing in the whole galaxy scared her anymore, except for Kylo Ren.

Ohn’toh noticed, and gently patted her shoulder.

She nodded slightly, as thanks, but otherwise remained as stoic as she could.

“What are they here for?” Someone asked.

“Elia, probably,” Poe commented. He was similarly lounging nonchalantly, mirroring her cool expression.

Kasyda threw a stern look at him.

“No, he’s right,” Elia said, trying to keep her voice level, “Why else would they come here? Our force isn’t close to a threat. The real Resistance base is on Crait, and everyone knows it. He will never stop following me. I’m sorry. I would suggest that you all escape. I can stay behind and pretend to be on their side, then try to tear it down from the inside.”

Several people grumbled at this, and not many were keen on the idea. She may have been the fearless woman, but everyone knew who she was. They trusted her to a point, but that was too far for them.

“Elia, we can’t let you go on a suicide mission!” Ohn’toh countered.

“I have to agree with ‘Toh,” Poe said, sitting up a little straighter, “I trust you to ruin the Order, but I also trust Kylo to kill you for trying.”

Elia had no doubts that Kylo would kill her. “He couldn’t kill me,” she lied, “but I could kill him.”

Discussion and dissension popped up throughout the room. Elia didn't know how everyone felt about her plan. Would the plan be better or worse to them if they knew her real goal?

“That is out of the question!” Kasyda shouted, trying to be heard over the din, “You have helped us more than you know. The information you had was priceless, and you have fought by our side without question. You are one of us, and we will defend you and our home.”

More people agreed with this, but there were still a lot of Resistance members who didn’t know where she stood. They had heard the rumors, heard of her frantic run through the base to feel the sun, but they had not been there. They didn’t know it. Most of the people who saw it happen had been sent around the galaxy, never to return. The remainder were wary of her, like she had the Order insignia carved into her back, instead of her scars.

“If we are going to defend this base, I am going to be at the front lines. I will not let you die to protect me, especially since I am so hard to kill,” she insisted

No one argued with that. Ohn’toh wanted to, but he kept his mouth shut. She could feel him shifting in his seat, trying to stop her. He even tightened his grip on her shoulder, ever so slightly. He wasn’t hard to read.

“That seems reasonable,” Kasyda said, though she seemed to not agree.

“Don’t worry,” Elia said, sitting up straight, “We won’t lose this battle. I will win it for us.” She tried to look as strong and brave as possible.

No one believed her.

\---

Elia scanned the battlefield, conflict stirring in her. She had fought beside the stormtroopers for a long time. She had fought beside the entire Order. The only person she would have no qualms about killing was General Hux. The stormtroopers could break free of their programming, she had learned that from the story of Finn. Killing brainwashed people, people who could be free, made her sick.

Then they started firing.

They clearly had no qualms about killing her (they never did), and they must have known who she was. Her wings were spread wide, glittering and vicious. No, they had been told to kill her. So she would have to kill them. It broke her heart, but she couldn’t die until she confronted _him_.

Killing the stormtroopers was easier than killing Resistance troops. The ‘troopers were better trained, and had better armor, but they were predictable and eye-catching on the red-grey sands. The setting sun was behind her, making their armor brilliant white targets. They fell before her without much resistance. The squad behind her was in awe, stopping momentarily as she effortlessly gunned them down. How she must have looked in that moment. She had taken to wearing her hair in multilayered plaits, so it would be down, but out of the way. Her wings framed her in the orange glow of dusk. She was a warrior goddess ascending before their eyes, even though the idea tormented her.

Maybe now they believed she would win it for them.

The pause was short though, and they fell in behind her. Blaster bolts exploded all around her, as she hovered in the middle of the fray. The Resistance didn’t use her to scare the troops, to terrorize them into submission. Those soldiers had finally decided to use her as a beacon of hope. She was their chance to succeed. If Kylo Ren’s secret weapon, trained by his hand, could fight for the right side, why couldn’t they? If she would stand at the forefront, killing those who had been on her side before, they could win. If she was willing to fight against _him_ , they all could.

She didn’t know if she could fight against him.

The battle roiled around her, and she tried to tune it out. Being on the Resistance’s side meant watching more people she knew die. She wasn’t allowed to know the ‘troopers, and less of them had died while she was with the Order. Her presence tipped the balance for the Resistance, but not enough to save everyone. All she could do was keep fighting, keep pushing forward. If she looked back, all would be lost.

As she got closer to the core of the Order’s ground troops, her anxiety grew. Kylo Ren had to be here somewhere. He was the Supreme Leader now, but he wasn’t one to sit on the sidelines. He had power, and he liked to use it. She couldn’t be caught off guard.

But she was.

“Elia?” Kylo’s voice. She heard it over everything. Over people dying, their screams, the gunshots. “Elia?!” He screamed her name.

She turned to him, hovering in the air with slow beats of her heavy wings. Her heart sank. _I’m sorry._ she thought.

She opened fire with both blasters. He was stunned and got hit by one in the shoulder before deflecting the rest. He had obviously not anticipated it this time. His mask was on, and that made it easier. She continued her rapid fire, pretending he wasn’t underneath that cold metal visage. She didn’t know if she could kill him while seeing his face, because she…

“Elia, please, it’s me!” he cried, falling back against her endless assault. He was only defending himself, and barely. He had no intention to hurt her, at least, not yet.

She didn’t hesitate. She didn’t stop. She drove him back, firing with abandon. She said nothing. The neural band was serving her well. He couldn’t pull what had happened since he had last seen her.

“Elia, whatever they’ve done to you, whatever lies they have told you, I can get you back. Please! I can save you! Whatever they’ve done to your brain, I can fix it!”

She lost control for a moment and stopped firing at him. “What _they_ did to my brain?! They didn’t do _anything._ They just told me who you are. You were the one who was messing with my mind! You lied! You filled me to the brim with propaganda and manipulated me into staying with you! You made me lo-” She cut herself off. Weakness was to be killed. He would kill her for it.

If she didn’t kill herself for that weakness first. Despite it all, that part of her couldn’t be changed. She had learned about the truth of the galaxy, the Order, and the war. She had learned about who Kylo Ren was, what he did, and what he had done. Despite that, some part of her still loved him. Immediately after she had learned the truth, she had hated him, but as time passed, she began to miss him. It was like a soreness in her mind. She hated missing him. It made her feel weak. The light side didn’t believe in killing weakness, but it was a hard habit to break. She had been destroying her inner fragility her whole life.

Kylo pulled his mask off, trying to get through. He had a new scar on his face, but it suited him. He was as handsome as she remembered, even with the changes. His face was full of love and concern. He always knew how to get to her. “Elia, please, you don’t understand-”

“What don’t I understand? That you isolated me so you would be the only person I could turn to? That you fostered a relationship with me so I would hesitate to leave of my own free will? That you used the Force to make me complacent in the murder of innocent people?! You knew what you were doing! You did it on purpose!”

“I- Yes, Elia, I did, I’m sorry, but… Don’t you see? Everything’s changed. I have power over the whole Order now! I can make them do whatever I want. It can be you and me. We can rule the whole galaxy together! No manipulations, no lies. Just you and me.” He held out his hand, just like that night in the training room.

It sounded so appealing, and a life flashed before her eyes. One where she had never left the Order. After he had killed Snoke, Kylo would change everything. The rules would be different, and they would have no one above them who could say no. They would have ruled together, benevolent dictators, working together to hold the tumultuous galaxy in place. And when Kylo aged out of power, it would all be hers. She could have whatever she wanted. She could have him back. She touched down on the ground, only a few feet away from him.

He could see her considering it, and he kept going. “Think about it Elia. We are both powerful. We are both strong. We could make sure the corruption of the past is gone. We’ll fire Hux. We’ll stop using stormtroopers and hire an army of willing volunteers. But I need your help. I can’t do it alone. You make me better.”

She took several careful steps towards him, closing the gap between them, but said nothing.

“Please, Elia,” he begged. He spread his arms, inviting her in for an embrace. “I love you.”

How long had she waited to finally hear those words? She fell into his embrace, letting herself feel one last time. He cradled her in his arms, pulling her so close she could almost feel his skin. She wrapped her wings around them, shielding them from the battle around them. For that moment, everything was perfect. She could pretend like he was just hers and nothing beyond that. But the moment couldn’t last. She knew what she had to do.

“I love you too,” she whispered, trying to hold back tears. Then, she pointed her gun at his chest.


	22. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tags: **Major Character Death,** graphic depictions of violence, emotional, sad, depressing, deceit, fighting, battle, fight scene, Hurt no comfort, murder, aftermath, violent outbursts, crying, martyrdom, martyr, suicidal ideation, Kylo Ren POV, POV switch

Something punched her gut, and she flew back several feet before she managed to right herself. The shot she had aimed at his chest went wide, streaking off into the sky, useless. The pain and despair on his face was almost too much for her. Almost.

“How could you?” he gasped, “I thought you loved me!” His despair quickly became rage. He flipped the switch so quickly that she wouldn’t have seen the transition if she hadn’t known it.

“I do love you!” she cried, “But you are ruining the galaxy! You slaughter villages! You kill children! I can’t stop you all the time, and I can’t stand beside you and watch it happen. You wouldn’t even let me! You stole memories, even after you saw what it was doing to me!”

“I would have done anything for you!” he growled.

“You wouldn’t stop the Order. You wouldn’t come back to the light. You wouldn’t let my mind remain intact.”

He didn’t have a reply for that. He just stood there, shaking with fury and grief. He was trying not to kill her, she could tell, but she had to kill him. She aimed her gun and fired at his chest. He blocked it automatically, still stunned that she would do it.

“Elia, please…”

“If I kill you, I destroy the Order. These are my people now, and they are real. They are alive. Their lives matter. I’m sorry.”

His face fell into a practiced mask, one she had never wanted to see. “So am I,” he said, voice hardened.

He lunged at her, lightsaber flashing, and slashed at her stomach. She flew back, desperate to escape, and he missed her by an inch. She could feel the heat of the lightsaber on her skin as she tore away from him, and she knew he wouldn’t hold back.

She pulled a grenade off her belt and threw it at him. It was non-lethal, an adhesive grenade, but it held him in place. She opened fire, and he blocked as best he could. Being stuck to the ground made it more difficult, but he blocked every bolt, albeit rather gracelessly.

He thrust his hand out and her gun arm was thrust to her side, trapped. She was being drawn towards him, and she pretended like she couldn’t escape, flapping and flailing her wings uselessly.

“Gone soft since you turned traitor, eh?” he teased.

When he pulled her close enough, she lashed out with one of her wings, slicing him across the torso with her claws. In the same motion, she beat her wings, pulling away from his retaliatory strike, though he managed to graze her calf.

“Never. I couldn’t disappoint my trainer by becoming weak,” she spat.

He clutched his now bleeding hip and chest, faltering slightly. She fired on him again, doubling her efforts. She put everything she could into killing him, but he was strong. He deflected, and as the adhesive grenade wore off, he managed to get a bolt to ricochet into her left wing. She hissed a stream of curse words, and pulled herself away again, focusing on not getting to close to his lightsaber. The fact that he could maintain a Force pull while being shot at made her feel hopeless.

“You think,” he panted, “that I don’t carry medpacs… after what happened… with the girl?”

Another stream of curses escaped her as he healed himself.  He stood straighter, and the wounds from the battlefield melted off of him. The Resistance didn’t have an endless supply of bacta, so she was stuck being hurt. This was not a fair fight. She had known that from the start, but it wasn’t pleasant being reminded of it.

She threw another grenade, a frag this time, and watched as the sand around him exploded. The Force grip stopped suddenly, and she soared backwards a few feet before correcting for the lack of resistance. She approached the crater carefully, guns drawn and aimed at where he had been standing.

The crater was empty, save for a supply belt he must have abandoned so he could escape.

Movement startled her, and she flipped to the right. He roared out of the smoke and dirt, weapon held high. She reversed directions as fast as she could, firing at him the entire time.

He didn’t pause. He followed her, running at full speed.

After trying to shake him for several yards, she went up instead, getting out his reach just as he got within range. The crackling lightsaber sliced apart the air beneath her as she took off. He immediately started pulling her back down to earth. He was throwing all his power behind this, probably tiring himself, and she found it hard to resist. She holstered her weapons so she could focus on getting away, but it wasn’t enough. She clawed at the air, trying to pull herself away, but she was losing by millimeters.

She unsheathed one of her vibroblades and dropped on his head. He sliced through it with ease, but was distracted long enough that she gained a good two feet, before being dragged back down again. How long could he keep this up? How long could she?

“Why couldn’t you just be good?” she groaned. Her feet were inches above his range of attack.

“Why couldn’t you just stay with me?” he asked, voice touched by sadness.

She was about to give in, but she had an idea. She dropped her other vibroblade, and he slashed it away angrily. With his lightsaber out of the way, she gave into the pulling force and dropped. She landed on top of him, and he was unable to stop her.

They collapsed on the ground together, dazed and confused. Since it had been her plan, she righted herself quickly, sitting on his chest, with her knees on his arms. His lightsaber was only a foot away, but she could kill him quickly.

“If this is what you wanted, all you had to do was ask,” he quipped, eyeing her body on top of him.

She drew her pistol and put it against his chin. One shot, and this would all be over. She didn’t even reply to his jape. Her finger slipped inside the trigger guard. “I’m going to kill you, here and now. You are weak, so weak you can’t even see it. You think the dark side has made you stronger? It’s just made you angrier.”

Her arm flew back, and the gun was lost to the battle. She tried to grab her other weapon, but that arm was thrust behind her too. She tried to fight it, but her body was useless against the Force. Her wings flashed forward, trying to gouge his eyes, his face, anything, but his lightsaber was in his hand.

He cut her wings away as they tried to tear into him, and she screamed. The whole battlefield became silent, and she wasn’t sure if it was the shock or the power behind anguish. Huge chunks of her wings fell beside his head, and shock coursed through her.

“Something I never told you about our fights,” he said, voice turning cold and remorseless, “I let you win for confidence. The idea that a person without the Force could beat me? Ridiculous! I have complete power of your body, and enough power outside of that to stop your wings.”

“I know,” she whispered, “I knew it then, too.”

His lightsaber was already primed to slice into her, and it tore into her torso like it was paper before Kylo could process what she said. It stabbed into her gut, clear to the other side. Nothing had ever hurt so badly in her life. Her screams were cut short, though, as her body lost the ability to vocalize the anguish. Her lungs and throat were intact, but the pain was beyond expression. The lightsaber slid back into its handle, and she crumpled, toppling to the side. She couldn’t fight anymore.

His face was before hers in a moment, and he yanked off her neural band. “You knew you couldn’t defeat me?” he asked.

_ Yes, I knew. I couldn’t beat you, but I could force you to live with my death.  _ She couldn’t speak, but thankfully he gave her the ability to make him realize who he was.

“Your death?” he said, bewildered. His eyes fell to her chest, and they bulged out of their sockets. His anger was what made him weak, and he couldn’t even see it. “No, you will not die! I can heal you! I can make you mine again!”  Anguish leaked through his expression, and he rooted around for a medpac.

_ You left your medpacs in the crater when you escaped. _ She laughed inside her mind. Death was painful, but this was going to be good, albeit slow. All her wounds were cauterized, so she wasn’t bleeding. She would die from shock before he could save her, but she would not bleed out.

“No! I didn’t want to kill you! I just wanted to…” He looked around helplessly, deciding if he was going to leave her side or be with her while she died.

_ I really did love you, Kylo. _

“You still do. I can see it,” he managed, voice catching.

_ Of course. You’re my weakness. _

“And you are mine.”

_ No. Yours is anger. _

She let her eyes slip closed. Holding them open was too much energy.

Kylo was shouting at her, at people around them, at anyone who would listen. Desperation painted his words, the agony clearly felt. It hurt to hear, but it was fading out. She couldn’t make herself focus on him anymore. She couldn’t focus on anything.

The last thing she heard was, “Please,” whispered right into her ear. She could feel him holding her entire body against his, and that please echoed through her mind.

She could not grant his wish.

\---

Kylo Ren was still screaming for help after Elia died in his arms.  His officers could not understand why he would save an enemy soldier, but they dare not disobey the Supreme Leader. The medpac came, but it was too late. The bacta injection was successful, but it couldn’t spread. The tissue was dying, and the blood wasn’t pumping. He tried to force the blood to pump, to inject it closer to her heart or to the gaping wound on her abdomen, but it didn’t work. She was dead. Her wings faded away like they were figments of his imagination, and she aged through all the years she had earned.

She was lost to him. He thought being Supreme Leader meant that he wouldn’t have to kill people he loved anymore. He had lost his father to his own hand and his mother to someone else. Now he was alone, completely, and it was all his fault.

His grief quickly became rage, and he went blind with it. He stood up and started attacking people. Everything and everyone in his way was killed, and it didn’t matter what side they were on. He was a blur of fury, cutting down soldiers of all kinds. The remaining troops scattered, trying to keep their distance from his unyielding anger. When he ran out of people to kill, he started to destroy anything he could find. TIE fighters, X-Wings, turrets, supply boxes, it didn’t matter. All of it became slag beneath his fiery lightsaber.

A wave of exhaustion hit him, and he collapsed to his knees. He could feel the emotions becoming agonizing grief again, and he couldn’t let his people witness that. He sheathed his sword, and, with the entire strength of his will, pushed down his emotions so that he could address one of his officers. They were trembling in fear at what he might do, but were more afraid of being seen as a deserter.

“Bury her body, and give her the last rights. If she is not buried properly, I will kill you and everyone you know,” he said, voice hard and cold. His tone was so frightening that even he was taken back.

“Yes, sir!” the man said.

Kylo didn’t even know his name, and thus, couldn’t follow through with the threat, but he was not worried. The threat would be enough.

He ordered a full retreat before slipping into the cockpit of his own TIE fighter, undamaged despite everything. As soon as he closed the cockpit door, tears started falling and he was helpless to stop them. Maybe Rey was right when she called him a monster.

He took off, not bothering to make sure everyone had gotten his orders. They would figure it out soon enough, or they would die trying. It didn’t matter to him.

\---

“Kasyda, I’m sorry. Elia… She… She didn’t make it.,” Ohn’toh reported, tears welling in his eyes.

“What? How? She is so hard to kill. How could she have died?” Kasyda replied. Elia was supposed to be invincible. Kasyda didn’t think she would lose Elia so soon.

“She went against Kylo Ren…”

“I didn’t think he would be able to do it…” Kasyda said, leaning back in her chair, “I thought he actually loved her.”

“He did. At least I think so. You should have seen him when he realized what he did. He single-handedly destroyed everything in a 500 meter radius. He even tried to save her life…” Ohn’toh dabbed at his eyes with his sleeve. “He didn’t succeed.”

Kasyda felt her eyes starting to prickle, and her voice caught as she said, “How did the mission itself go?”

“Uh… Kylo called a full retreat, and everyone left. We got to save the people on the planet, and we kept our stronghold. Moral is up. Everyone watched her fight Kylo to the death. She held her own for a long time, even without the Force. Everyone knows we have a powerful Force user on our side, and Kylo is weaker now. He might become more rash, but by all reports, he was broken. The spark is alive, and people really think we can do it. Poe led a group of pilots to spread the word throughout the Resistance.”

A tear fell down Kasyda’s cheek as she heard this news. “I think she did it on purpose, ‘Toh. I think she knew what it would do for us.”

Tears were falling down Ohn’toh’s face unbidden. “I didn’t want her to have to die for us. Not like that.”

Kasyda got out of her chair and wrapped her arms around him. He fell into her embrace, sobbing. “She died in the arms of the one she loved. She died for all of us. Kylo Ren would never let her go, but now she is free,” she murmured, voice cracking.

“But we’re still here,” Ohn’toh replied.

“Yes, we’re still here.”

~~~

Elia’s body had been buried by the Order officers, so the Resistance held a private ceremony (without her body) back on base. Those who knew her spoke about who she was and what she had done. They planted two trees side by side, in her memory, so that she might never be alone again.


End file.
